thank you, as always, BeingMe. I appreciate the affirmation; sometimes it's difficult to see one's own "blossoming." I do know that over the past 8-10 weeks I've turned a corner, feel stronger and more joyful, look to the future instead of grieving the past. part of it was due to the new job (and better income), a bigger part was reading "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and recognizing the unique stages of grief in this process and then moving forward thru them, part was feeling connected to friends old and new and hence less isolated and ostracized. this is not to say there won't be occasional bad days or bad periods of time, but it's as if I'm alive again and not just slogging thru pain 24/7.
I do know that being present at events at my daughter's school/church (where I used to work) send me into a tailspin; not that I seek them out, but some are obligatory. it just isn't healthy for me, and I am so happy that her upcoming graduation (a week from Tuesday next) means I can put that entire dysfunctional system in my past. perhaps there will one day be peace with it, but for now the best thing for both of us is to make a "new start" as D14 often reminds me.
as for falling in love, oh--there are definitely days when I want to feel all those wonderful feelings again, to be giddy, to lose myself in the rapture of it all. but I don't know if I'll ever be able to see it without the filter of knowing about brain chemicals, seeing the "psychophysiology" of the whole thing. and that may or may not steal some of the magic!! but there's certainly no desperation for it. my friend who's coming for a visit this week...yes, I love him. yes, I think there's some serious potential for a very good and healthy relationship there. and I very much value his presence in my life and the support that we've been able to be to one another during the past painful year-and-a-half (we reconnected about 8 months after each of us had been left by our spouses). But I also know that, as much as it might feel otherwise, I don't really know him all that well. I know who he IS, always did--and that's a very good, real, kind person. but aside from that, it's difficult to get to know someone from such a distance, especially when we each have so many scars and such a protective wall built up around ourselves. I don't think I know him well enough to say I'm "in love" with him, to be that vulnerable; what I do know, I love and respect and it makes me want to get to know him better. and perhaps that will happen during this visit. and that's my only goal, really--to spend some relaxed time together, to get to know each other, to just "be" together and that's all. and then we'll see where that leaves us. because of the circumstances we've lived with, we have had a lot of intensity, a lot of "going deep" and helping each other process and heal and grow. it will be good to just be hoosiermama and Texasdaddy hanging out together. do I hope that it brings us closer? of course. but I don't feel any urgency to "make" that happen. and I think that's a good place to be.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Tomorrow? Mr. Texas is coming tomorrow? Shreeeeek! I am so excited for you. Do you have any butterflies in your tummy? Or, are you calm and collected?
Have fun!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
yes, tomorrow!!! omg. I feel like a fifteen-year-old. in part because Mother Nature decided to pay a surprise visit (sorry guys!! just an inconvenient fact of life) unpredictably (like when I was 15). and yes, the butterflies are threatening to drag me away!!!! he'll be meeting other friends and then family, from Wednesday afternoon, then returning on Memorial Day.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
first, tho, I have to get thru 8 hours of work orientation: corporate compliance, the joys of HIPAA, fire safety, confidentiality...yawn.....and my mind will certainly not be on those things!!! I'll see him tomorrow evening.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
so Texas professor is in town now. we spent last evening/night together, had breakfast, then had coffee for 2 hours. lots of talking about a variety of things, lots of...not talking. a lovely time overall, and he is now off to see family, then friends from grad school, then to the race (you know, that race we have here in Indianapolis in May!) and he will be back on my side of town on Memorial Day, then leaving the next day.
haven't seen each other for a year...so there was some awkwardness at times. but not too bad. once we started talking, it was very comfortable...we could always talk about anything together, even 28+ years ago. and we hit some deep topics, ranging from the need for public transit to community health to faith to grace to evil. he talked some about his son (in prison, bipolar, not well-managed there), some about his role in the failed marriage--as I also did. prior to his visit, we sort of cleared the air about "expectations" or lack thereof, and the goal was just to spend some time together relaxing, getting to know each other a bit better. it will be awhile before he wants to be in an exclusive, serious relationship--and that's probably ok; after 25 years of marriage, much of it "horrible," 2 years isn't a lot of recovery time. he spent quite a bit of time trying to convince me it was time to date--which I really feel no big need to do. not because of him, just because I'm pretty happy right now and I just want to dwell in the contentment for awhile. I mentioned that I had been in very few relationships, most were unhealthy, and then...there's this one. which feels very comfortable, very healthy--but then, he's in Texas, I'm here, we get together infrequently but communicate a lot and have been helpful in each others' healing (which has been significant since this time last year). and so we see each other at our best and don't have to deal with the day-to-day. neither of us is real sure we ever want to marry again...but both of us miss being married--the positive parts, like being an intact family, having someone to come home to, to sleep with, to talk to, to support and be supported by. except most of those parts were long in the past for both of us. we both value this relationship greatly, and I think we both fear losing the deep friendship if things got bad romantically. but at this point, neither of us feels desperate or "needs" this...and yet, here we still are.
I don't quite know what to do with this. the more I get to know him (as he is today, as well as how he was 28 years ago) the more I respect and value who he is. and I know that if he became serious with someone else (and I really don't know how likely that is) that person would NOT be comfortable with our relationship, as much as he says they'd have to accept it (well, obviously the physical part would have to change...and it's hard to put that genie back in the bottle!)--I really don't see anyone not feeling threatened by the emotional intimacy we have.
this feels safer, more comfortable than any relationship I've ever had; I'm far healthier than I've ever been when in a relationship. I would really like to give this a chance, and I don't know how patient I'm going to have to be for how long. I don't feel any urgency, but I would truly hate to lose this intimacy and positive, healthy support.
so I'm open to wisdom. anyone got any?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
ok, no wisdom at all? nobody's gonna tell me I'm obsessing, I'm looking for problems where there aren't any??!! oh, come on now!!
ok, so I was hormonal. I'm better now. interesting thing I realized today--he's a real person now, which is different from conceptual. warts and all. and I kinda like the real person even better than the conceptual one.
as for dating...don't need the drama right now. and really need to dwell in meeting my own emotional needs. not saying "never," but for the time being, I'm fine.
amazing how this stuff seems to go so much smoother for xH--once a target was identified, he moved in swiftly, assimilated that life form, and was one with it 24/7--until he got bored or sucked all the juices out and moved on to the next target. no loneliness, no eating alone, no holidays on his own...seems so simple for him.
and here I am, just trying to meet my own emotional needs. where's the fun in that??!!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I guess I will just say that I am in a similiar boat. Ex boyfriend from high school waded slowly back into my life. There is only 3.5 hours between us but he works like crazy traveling all over the state for work. I am still trying to figure my stuff out. So I guess the best I can say right now is..I hear ya!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
