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#1895601 - 12/16/09 12:24 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: bright_new_day
Quote:
It takes 2 people to wreck a marriage, but it also takes 2 to put one back together. And if one person chooses to blame the other for all the problems and fails to look at their own contribution, it just won't work.


I asked for several years to go to marriage counseling because I could see that things were going bad, but he always said I needed counseling because it was all my problems, he wouldn't go. Maybe if I had gone to counseling on my own things might have changed, but no use wondering now. And I doubt he will ever recognize his role in the failure. The only "apology" I ever got from him regarding the demise of our marriage was him writing that he was sorry that he wasn't strong enough to carry us through all of my problems. Sad but true, that is the only "fault" he has ever claimed
Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895779 - 12/16/09 02:40 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
bright_new_day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2791
Loc: VA
Quote:
Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.


I am even more saddened by the fact that I accepted that line of thinking for so long. I accepted that I had problems and was not good enough...
_________________________
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
M: 6/22/85; D: 1/31/08

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#1895879 - 12/16/09 03:54 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: bright_new_day
Quote:
Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.


I am even more saddened by the fact that I accepted that line of thinking for so long. I accepted that I had problems and was not good enough...

Well, that's 2 of us. And we're probably the tip of the iceberg!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1896066 - 12/16/09 06:12 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 877
we accepted it because someone we loved and who we believed loved us was telling us that...in actions as well as in words...

i compare it to an abusive relationship
(which I have been in too...)
no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date
but
they don't smack you on the 1st date

they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date

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#1896174 - 12/16/09 09:00 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: figgeroni]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Quote:
no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date
but
they don't smack you on the 1st date

they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date

exactly. it crept up on us. then somehow we bought the ideology. we were like the Stanford Prison Experiment--we were impressionable and obedient, when presented with a legitimizing ideology (we're faulty) and social and institutional support (xH is a great guy, garrulous, a leader in his field, he's gotta be right). or maybe we were just like those frogs in the pot of boiling water. your choice.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1896307 - 12/17/09 12:57 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
goldeylox Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 1518
Loc: OR
Ribbit.

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#1896601 - 12/17/09 01:14 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: goldeylox]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Quote:
inviting you to wisdom

I love that phrase ---- so true. All kinds of tragedy, pain, and upheaval in ones life is an invitation to wisdom, if you allow it.

BTW, have you thought of selling your XH's drum set on E-bay? I bet he bought the best set money could buy, so you should get quite a bit for it. cool

Take care.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1896608 - 12/17/09 01:17 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: figgeroni]
bright_new_day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2791
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: figgeroni
we accepted it because someone we loved and who we believed loved us was telling us that...in actions as well as in words...

i compare it to an abusive relationship
(which I have been in too...)
no one would be in a relationship with a person who punched them on the 1st date
but
they don't smack you on the 1st date

they didn't treat us like we sucked on the 1st date


Sadly it was the opposite. I think that is part of the personality disorder, making you trust and eventually become dependent on them.
_________________________
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
M: 6/22/85; D: 1/31/08

Top
#1896766 - 12/17/09 03:18 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: goldeylox]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: goldeylox
Ribbit.
lol!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1896767 - 12/17/09 03:21 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: BeingMe]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: BeingMe
Quote:
inviting you to wisdom

I love that phrase ---- so true. All kinds of tragedy, pain, and upheaval in ones life is an invitation to wisdom, if you allow it.

BTW, have you thought of selling your XH's drum set on E-bay? I bet he bought the best set money could buy, so you should get quite a bit for it. cool

Take care.

part of the D settlement--that he wants his drums and his bike (is it just me, or does that sound a lot like an 8-year-old?!). He just hasn't picked them up. But I can't sell them. and yes, his drums are top-of-the-line.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
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