My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Pup, you must have some insight or intuition or you read me well, because you generally seem to get it right!

Over the past week I've been seking out some of the stuff I wrote or read when I was doing ministry--just had the urge to do so. I honestly believe that was a period of time when I was my most authentic and best self and when I reconnect with some of those things, I see how much I have shrunk and withered over the past 18 months. So much of what happened in May '08 seemed to challenge my reality and my sense of self, and I've been looking at myself in funhouse mirrors ever since. But I'm getting back in touch with the "me" I liked, the "me" I worked years to get to. No point in throwing it all out the window, baby/bathwater-like; no need to completely re-invent. I have enough life experience to excavate the better parts, dust 'em off and take another look at how they fit. Like old dresses found in an attic trunk, some may no longer fit, some may no longer be flattering, some may just fall apart when exposed to the sunlight--but some remain a perfect fit, remind me of wonderful memories, and I can look at myself in them and feel beautiful. Interesting process. I think that for awhile I had misplaced that trunk, then couldn't find the key. But now I'm enjoying the rediscovery. I've always kinda liked vintage fashion!

[hoosiermama]

oh, and pup--yeah, I fully agree with what you said. sometimes you want advice, sometimes guidance, sometimes just support. I threw this thing up here because it's one way of offering support--not the only way--but it gives what I have found to be a good framework for "walking with."

[hoosiermama]

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hmmm; sounds a lot like DBing, to me!

[hoosiermama]

Hmmm; sounds a lot like DBing, to me!

Rilke was ahead of his time in many things!

[hoosiermama]

A few weeks have passed since Thanksgiving, which I think was a new low point for me. The holiday made me revisit a lot of grief--but the whole reason for the revisiting is working thru the losses from a more current perspective. This is why grief is not a linear process, but more of a cyclical one.

So having said that, here's what I've learned in the "working thru."

First of all, I've been trying to figure out what I contributed to my own misery in the marriage, and to its ultimate failure. While I consider that that there's no excuse for serial adultery, my pattern of ignoring my own needs made me bitter and resentful--especially when the end result was that becoming smaller and less "troublesome" didn't really make him love me. Living for so long with someone so narcissistic, I gradually stopped expecting that he'd care about my well-being. In doing that, I essentially taught him how to treat me. And the less I asked of him, the less he gave. I think this solves the mystery for me of why he is so completely different in his current relationship than he was in the marriage--she isn't content to disappear, she in fact is almost as self-serving as he is, and her needs come first. He's in the position I was in. He has learned about horses, he does heavy maintenance at her farm when he wouldn't even change a lightbulb in our house, his $2000 worth of drums (a big bone of contention between us) still sit in my house because he's lost interest in them. She's taught him that he must earn her love. I gave it to him sacrificially, and he came to expect it, and like most entitlements it was quite taken for granted. I realized this at some point in the marriage, and began doing things that fulfilled me--and it's when he pulled away emotionally. It was too much of a change, it was essentially too late. I will need to have enough self-worth to recognize, acknowledge and honor my own needs--and it's something I need to learn to do now. If I were to enter another relationship before learning this, it would end up similarly disastrous, I imagine. It's a FOO thing--children in alcoholic homes learn to deny their needs to survive; I've unlearned many other things, but this one seems to be my Achilles' heel.

The other thing I've learned at new levels is that, yes--I am grieving as much or more for lost dreams and hopes than for reality. It was not a great marriage, there are a lot of painful memories through the years. Idealizing is part of grief, and I think I spent a lot of time idealizing him and the relationship, both before and after he left. And grief over lost dreams is very valid--but it's different. I've recognized at some level that I would probably never have left, and it would probably never have improved to the level of my perception. And while it would have been much better if exH had tried harder (not in his capacity to do) or at least have been honest/honorable in his leaving (which would have been off-script) it would not have resulted in such shock and awe for D and myself. However, ultimately I probably should be grateful at some level that he ended the marriage. I kept waiting for the guy who woo'd me to return--kept thinking if I was just good enough to deserve it he'd love me. And that's just not a good way to live, or to model for a daughter.

As for his family--well, it is what it is. I will miss them at times, and they may want to reach out to me at some point. But they're not crucial to my well-being or my sense of who I am or who I can be.

Hope this is helpful for someone. If not, it's just my processing, and it helps me to put it in words. I feel much more solid, much more ready to move into the Christmas season without the pain I experienced at Thanksgiving.

[BeingMe]

I can identify with you, H'mama! I am still waiting for ... 'I don't know'. You are on your way to healing, and that brings good days, and bad.

Take care.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My dear Hoozh,

That is as insightful and introspective of a post (or any other correspondence) as I have EVER seen from you, and you've communicated a lot since I've known you.

I'm exhausted at the moment, and can hardly keep my eyes open, but I will say that -- based on what you have shared about yourself and your marriage -- I don't think I can disagree with ANY of what you've written here. I think it "rings true," and it's a good thing that you're able to identify your role in your past relationship dysfunction.

You're a pretty amazing lady, Hoozhawhatsit.

Puppy

[goldeylox]

Mama, that was one great post.
If it did nothing but help you reflect, it would have been enough. I suspect that your words are quite comforting to those who are grieving this holiday season.
I invited a newly divorced Dad over for dinner Christmas Eve, when he admitted he was going to be alone this year. Our kids are friends, and it's been a pretty awful year for the whole clan. Kids will be with Mom, and while I was friends with both, sometimes you just have to do the right thing.
So there's an extra place at Goldey's table, if you have nowhere else to go for Christmas.
Oh, and Mama, I'm having a virtual slumber party Saturday night on my thread, hope you can come by. Peace.

[bright_new_day]

my pattern of ignoring my own needs made me bitter and resentful--especially when the end result was that becoming smaller and less "troublesome" didn't really make him love me. Living for so long with someone so narcissistic, I gradually stopped expecting that he'd care about my well-being. In doing that, I essentially taught him how to treat me. And the less I asked of him, the less he gave.

What great insight! I thnk this is such an important lesson. I heard that phrase in the past, but never got it until about 6 months after the separation. If we expect less, we get less. I sure did.
I guess another thing that I learned through the divorce is how to expect more, and while X may not learn to give more, I no longer accept less. I taught him how to walk all over me when we were married, but I don't allow it anymore....and that leaves him a bit angry, but that is his problem!

The other thing I've learned at new levels is that, yes--I am grieving as much or more for lost dreams and hopes than for reality. It was not a great marriage, there are a lot of painful memories through the years. Idealizing is part of grief, and I think I spent a lot of time idealizing him and the relationship, both before and after he left. And grief over lost dreams is very valid--but it's different.

So very well put! I think a lot of us have fallen into that grief. Looking back realistically my marriage was not good, and I was very unhappy. But I still wish we could have worked to be happy in the marriage, at the very least for the sake of our kids.