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#1980692 04/13/10 05:18 AM
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Well, I have finally found the right moment to post my story. Some of you may remember me from months in past, and I may be a new name to some of you. I have decided to tell my story for enlightenment, hope, advice or even just a plain good read to brighten your day and make each and every one of you reading this aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it CAN be a happy ending! It IS possible! I am living proof. Foe any of you having trouble keeping the hope and holding on please read my story...when I was in your position I searched day in and day out for stories like these to get me through the days and keep my hope alive.

Here is how my story began (quick version)


My husband and I got pregnant before we were married. We had dated for just over a year and within one year from pregancy he proposed and we got married. Everything was perfect! A year later we decided to have another baby. So we did. 2 1/2 yrs into our marriage we are happy, own our own home, married, parents of two beautiful baby boys. And then hell breaks loose. My husband wakes up one day and tells me "he is not happy". Why I ask? He has no idea... well wonderful so how are we supposed to fix this if he doesn't know why? So I suggested marriage counseling. He agreed. He said he realized a lot in his session and by the end of the week we went to our session together and an hour after the session he left. Packed a suitcase and went to his sisters.

Throughout our time apart he gave me mixed signals from the day he walked out the door. It was very confusing and gave me a lot of hope with his talk of being together one day again, but then the next day he would take it all away from me with feelings and comments that he had no desire to come home whatsoever, and we were back at square one.

I had serious troubles letting go, I was scared to death of lonliness. All my friends are married with kids. I don't have single friends. He did. If he was bored he had people to be with to keep him busy. These are the types of things that went through my head every single day! NOT TRUE! YOU NEED TO GAL!!! It was my number one change. And as you will find out it changed my life for the better!

When the veterans say you can't trust what they say it is 100% true. My H went on and on every day and everything was always so off from day to day, I eventually learned to ignore it. He was so confused about what he wanted that he would just say what he was feeling at that moment, or what he thought he should say at that moment, or what would just come out to get out of the moment. They don't know what they want at this point and this is a trial and error stage for them. You have to let them sail through this how they need to and in the maintime only trust in yourself.

I have to little boys, 3 and 1. When there were days where I didn't think I had enough strength to get out of bed, I always did. FOR THEM. If you have children remember that they come number one, and you are here to live for them and take them through the cycle of life as well. There are good days and bad days, but in the end I had my little boys to wake up to every morning and they were the strength I needed to start my day.

Now when it comes to affection, touch, anything physical it gets tricky. You have probably heard about boundaries. I had a hard time with this. Many of you probably do, cause that first time the WAS gives you any of this or insinuates this, most LBS's will jump at the chance thinking its a huge stride. And it may be! But it may not be also. SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. I cannot express this enough! I went through a stage where my H came over one day, fed me all this crap about moving home, seeing change in me, wanting to be a family again for it to end in intercourse...and him leaving after as he had plans...and into not hearing from him for 3 days. This will get you nowhere except to drive you crazy. This is where my anxiety began. He finally reached out to me, only for it to be out of lonliness. Great. And now I have shown him where i stand in the situation and he can continue to take advantage of me and the sitch if needed. Not good. As hard as these boundaries are, they not only save you from hurt, pain, rejection but they give you a sense of power, confidence and self-respect. The next time H tried with me i turned him down. Stating it was not a good idea until the decision has been made to take our relationship to a new level. This is where the turnaround takes place. And it all started from there! The WAS is HUMAN, be it woman or man, they are human. People want what they can't have, and sure enough, my man wanted what he couldn't have.

Exert from my story..(advice from TrentC)

[b]Lovemaking will be the one you have to be the most clear about; our first attempt after the bomb was dropped was, to put it mildly, a disaster and make things worse for a while. If you're not comfortable, he needs to know and needs to know what it'll take to earn that privilege back (even if the answer is "I'm not sure yet"). This is him taking responsibility for his actions, and he should respect you for it.[/b]


Mind Reading:
Many of you are probably guilty of this. I will tell you I was number one culprit. I had a hard time with this. Every word that came out of his mouth stuck in my mind and I sat for hours replaying it in my mind tring to figure out what it meant. ANSWER: You will never ever know!!! Don't waste your time! You will drive yourself crazy and if you read something the wrong way your next move or reaction may be detrimental to the sitch.

Comment from TrentC when I was reading into mixed signals:

You will ultimately be the best judge of it, but there's no reason to indulge his mixed signals. If he's seriously having second thoughts about leaving, he WILL to tell you

Timeline of my sitch:

Sept. 09 H left
Oct. 28 Sexual intercourse, talk of coming home
Nov. 7 Public outing together, went really bad. Things looking bad.
Nov. 30 H is unhappy living at his sisters and asks to come home, I say yes of course even though it was for the wrong reasons
Jan. 25 H tells me he is still unhappy and wants out AGAIN!
Jan 25 (evening) I finally get a back bone and make use of the changes I'v made in the prior 4 months and stand up for myself and state that this is a good decision and that I don't want to live with a man who doesn't want to live with me..obviously and i'm glad he made the decision.
Jan 25 ( late evening) H comes home in hysterics after having a panic attack at work.

How my situation turned around:

For some of you experiencing a separation you may think your life is over and if you are in a better place than that, well good for you. It took me a long time to get there. To be honest I may not have. As hard as it is i honestly and truly believe that my H and I would not be where we are today had he not left. It sucked, it ripped my heart out, it was extremely hard to wake up some days, but it changed our lives. I changed as a person in the areas I needed changing. When you lose what seems like your whole life, you realize so much about yourself, your marriage, your family, your way of living and your wants and needs in life. I took many opportunities to portray these new "finding" I discovered and he reacted very well to my new found changes. But its a two way street and he was not perfect. After that panic attack, I had a new husband. One that wanted to try, learn, change for the better, be there for me and help me through my changes and rebuild our marriage from the bottom up.

What I believe as a new "start" date of our marriage came to be from me finally setting some boundaries, standing my ground, respecting myself and my children and my life, and DB'ing. When I put this all into action, I saw results. Many times, the veteran giving me advice on this board stated that as much as I thought I was DB'ing at the beginning. I really wasn't. I had a much longed SEPARATION mainly due to MY actions. Well when i had had enough and I followed the RULES and used my new found self and views and changes that I made I feel I changed our lives forever.

H came home at lunch Jan. 25 and stated to me that he wanted to leave, it wasn't working...he tried and it just wasn't meant to be. Well, the new me came out and simply replied. "good". I agree. I feel that it is not working either. We are not in the place we need to be in order to "rebuild" our marriage, and therefore this is the best decision. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be loved and treated the best. And I want to find that in life and if it wasn't with him, then so be it.

Well when this kind of reaction hits a WAS, its not in their "plan" When my H left, it was his decision, when he came over and we had intercourse, it was his decision, when he didn't call for 3 days, it was his decision, when he decided to come home again, it was his decision, and when he wanted to leave again, it was his decision. So when I finally voiced "my decision" It turned him upside down! Later that afternoon he had a panic attack at work and had to leave. He came home only to profess his love for me and explain. He felt like once I was doing the walking away, it hit him, that he may not have me anymore, and he can't do anything about it because it was "my decision" This made him realize this is not what he wanted. He wanted me in his life. Its sad, and I don't agree with the circumstances and his actions. But it was a step in the right direction. People change, people make bad decisions but I am a forgiver and I was willing to forgive. He committed to marriage counselling with me and admitted to being at fault which was a huge step on his behalf.

To skip a few months this is where we are today, 7 months later:

My H and I are happier than I feel we have ever been. We have learned alot about ourselves and one another. When we were walking on eggshells prior to the split in fear of reactions and arguments, we have developed the tools needed to talk about trials and tribulations with no fear and hope that each other will be there and we will get through it. In a healthy way. We hardly argue. I am working on the changes and keeping them everlasting as so is he. So far so good. It was hard work at first, but as we keep going, it gets easier. We are in a good place now, and have recently put our house up for sale and looking for a bigger, better house for sale. Baby number 3 has come into conversation, but not quite in the near future yet. I am not totally comfortable to make that decision. But I know I will be soon, and that's more than I could ask for and a dream come true.

Keep your heads up. Listen to the veterans, they got me through this day after day. If it weren't for them and DB I would not be where i am today. Keep that hope alive. And when the hope diminishes, make the changes you need to make to make yourself a better person for you and for your children if you have any. That is what is most important. You will survive and I am a firm believer God puts us through what he puts us through for a reason. He always has a plan. Remember that.

If anyone has any questions or need some advise or just someone to listen to you feel free to post on here. If anybody wants to read my sitch, for the good, the bad and the ugly I was in "Newcomers - Can I Save My Marriage?"

Good Luck!
Britt54


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
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oh my gosh... THANK YOU! I had given up all hope here recently.... and you just gave it back to me. THANK YOU

No kids in my story, but otherwise, very similar backgrounds... and VERY similar situations... the intercourse things really hits home for me... and I am about to be moving out (currently live overseas on a military base with H) but I am leaving soon because being in the house together is doing NOTHING to help our situation, so, like you, I feel that the separation will be exactly what we might need...

I am really happy to have come across this post


Me: 25
H:25
M: 2yrs
T: 4yrs
No Kids
Bomb: 11 Feb 10
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Posts: 331
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Wow Britt, Long time since you have posted! I am so happy that things have worked out in your sitch. I have been around long enough to remember you and your sitch and I think it is great that you have come back to inspire some of the Newcomers with your story!

Take Care!


Me:41
W: 35
Married: 6
Together: 15
Bomb: 08/09
Currently: Investing in me!

"You can't do anything about anything you can't do anything about" - Larry King
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Thank you for posting this; it means a lot to the people here.

I am so glad to hear that things are working out for you!

May this be the beginning of the best times of your lives.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
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It is always good to see a success story! Cogratulations!


M48 H53
M16 T18
S16 D13
SS30
H drops bomb PA/8-30-09
H leaves 12-30-09
D filed by H 2-10
H asks to come home 4-11
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Britt,

I am so happy to hear from you, and about your continued success. I will admit, at the beginning I didn't think you had it in you, but you took the 2x4s and kept on persevering, and showed incredible strength and grace. I tip my cap to you:

whistle whistle whistle whistle whistle

There was a poster on the old SSM board, named Corri. She used to say "When you're not ready, you're not ready. And then you are." I think that's so true.

May God continue to richly bless your family!

Puppy

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Cheers Britt! Glad for you and your family.

Coach


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Thank you so much for this. I had tears in my eyes reading this. I can relate to so much of your sitch.

Best of luck to you!


M: 32
H: 34
S:5
D: 3
D: 1
Together 11 years
Married 7
Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off)
ILYBINILWY: 08/09

"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting."
-Laura Munson
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Britt!

So good to hear from you and that things are going well. Don't forget to stick to your personal boundaries (they are for life and can be used with everyone in your life) and your GAL. Keep your hard earned changes and self-esteem.

Wishing you continued success and happiness in your M and life.


M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married
4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
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Thanks for the upbeat posting. I am early in DBing and sometimes feel as if no matter what I do that things won't turn out well. However, a success story like yours give me pause - that things can and will turn out for the better.

Even if my WAS and I separate forever I know that the changes I'm making will put me in a better place.

Thanks again!


M 47
W 45
T 24
M 18
S 17 D 14
Bomb 3/1/10
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