I think being in limbo is the worst. My limbo lasted about a year and a half. I was always afraid that I was doing the wrong thing. I wish I had found this site prior to his filing but it is what it is.
Everything happens for a reason. We are only allowed to see part of the picture at a time. Life does continue to get better.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My D process took two years and two months, mostly because she had a cheapo lawyer and I didn't push anything. I hoped in vain it was all just a phase.
Looking back, perhaps it would have been better to just rip the band-aid off. But I wasn't ready for it to be over and my daughters weren't either. They would be fine with mommy and daddy being married but not living together. It took me a while.
Even with the time, the first few days after were rough. Old emotions I thought I'd worked through cycled back.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Yep, I'm seeing those old emotions coming back to haunt like old ghosts I thought I had exorcised. I got the news today that she'll sign the latest iteration of the sep agrement and send that over with the lawsuit. Meanwhile, she is just as mean and hateful. Ojbectively, that seems about right. But the feelings are wandering. I feel like between that and the rest of my vida loca, I'm stressed out. But I see light and even if an oncoming train it'll be over soon It's not an oncoming train though. It's freedom from the legal portion. The emotional prison is something I hold the key to. Now where did I put those keys....? LOL.
Thanks!
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
At some point, I'd really like to see the emotional roller coaster come to an end. Ya know? I've noticed that I've been withdrawing lately. To be honest, I'm crushed at work, my grandparents failing health I'm dealing with, my daughter, and...oh yeah, my divorce is about to go through.
I had hoped to have been more done with the feelings toward stbx, but it seems not quite. Or at least the old stbx. Not the monster I interact with infrequently now. Under protest.
Part of me wants to sail away. Part of me wants to party like a rock start. And part of me wants to smile myself to sleep knowing that I'm almost done with at least part of the things on my plate clamoring for attention. I know this set of feelings though. Fight or flight. I've had them before and I'm ready to face them. Just that I originally thought I had been done facing them so a bit of a surprise.
Now. Enough of that. I have a party to throw. People will be here shortly so I should at least comb my hair
Later!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Does it seem negative, after all of the effort and love, to feel like I'm free of the monster she became? I was served with the divorce papers today. I have the sep agreement. After everything else, I feel...free. Free of the monster she became. Would I want the old her back? Hmm... I don't think so. I prefer to have the memories I think. They were good memories up to the end. Would I do it all again? Absolutely. Would I do it again with her? Nope. No thanks. There is no going back and I really don't want to. I am just dealing the feelings of guilt that I'm happy she's gone. They aren't strong feelings, just a little pang because I know it wasn't something I did or did not do. I can look with total honesty and know it was nothing to do with me (mostly - nobody's perfect.) I know I did everything I could have done and held nothing back. Very peaceful to know that.
Still, just a little numb at the moment. Some feelings coming back, but not very strong. To tell the truth I'm more interested in what tomorrow brings and some other things I have in my life that need attention.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I had a lot of moments I felt free. I remember XW calling me up and demanding that I stay home from work the next day because one of the daughters was sick.
I told her she could ask, but she couldn't demand.
When she hung up I just smiled because I didn't have to put up with her moods and putting her job above everyone else.
But there will be lots of moments where you pine for ... something that died long ago.
I still struggle with it. Marriage done, finally, six weeks ago.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I guess the question is this then, "is what gets severed off something we cannot do without? Or is it like a cancer and needs to be gone?"
Really, it matters not. We are headed in regardless. I don't feel bad about that. That seems strange to me. I feel at peace. Not happy she's gone or what's happened to the kids, but at peace. Calm. If a little on the overwhelmed side....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
(Just back from a week-long tour playing percussion for a professional music friend - a hobby I took up after the divorce - and waiting for my date to arrive - a very tall, handsome man I met a few weeks ago, who thinks I am gorgeous just as I am Life is good!!!)
