The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Nothing big to report. Had a great weekend.

Still not heard from my teenage daughter. Go figure. I did however occur to me that she is trying to fill the vacancy so to speak. Yikes. She is trying to mother my son and trying to be her mother. I may be wrong about that, but I've learned to recognize that I'm more often right. I am not sure what to do about that if anything, but just noting it for now.

Birthday is coming up. Big 40. Wheeeeeeee.... Looking forward to it, and plan to run a race that day. Should be fun. Haven't done that type of race in years, although plenty of 5k races. Looking forward to it.

Peace,
AJ

[AJM]

Still waiting to hear from the lawyers. The suspense.. is interesting. Still very little contact from my daughter. Spending quite a lot of time with my son though, which is good.
I was thinking more about my daughter. She is doing her best from what I can see. She is taking advantage of the situation, which seems normal to me. I would likely do the same. Still painful especially since she misses the opportunity to learn how to resolve conflict and take responsibility for her actions. That'll have to wait for now. I see that. I don't like it, but I see it.
Otherwise, I feel work sucking me in deeper. I can make the time though, so not a bad thing really. I'm thinking of going back to school as well. To get some new skills and maybe finish my degree. There's no money involved but it may be useful and it is a goal of mine. I've started looking at schools that I can attend at night. Looking forward to it...

AJ

[AJM]

Update: Ok. I'm a dummy. I finally got a chance to wait on the phone to talk to my mortgage company. Turns out I'm the only name on the mortgage. Duh. I remember now, but I also know why I didn't remember. Stress. My lawyer may decide to strangle me for it, but so be it. Nice surprise.
I'm looking forward to my kids being home tonight. Hopefully a good evening. I have to take daughter to the eye doc tomorrow, so I'll need her to be at the house. Son is already there. He's a funny lad....
My stbx's brother and wife had a child a couple of days ago. They look very happy and I'm very happy for them. You may recall that the bomb got dropped about a month after their then 12 year old son comitted suicide. They just had a healthy baby boy. I've been kidding my brother in law about the baby. He's very happy and it's fun to kid him about it. I couldn't help it: I joked with him that the baby got his looks because his mom kept hers And life goes on...
Hope to hear from the lawyer later today and put the sep agreement to rest. I'm tired of the distraction. I'm tired of the holding pattern. I'm just tired of that part of my life and feeling like I'm stuck in "can't move forward land" (at least with the legal details.)
cie la vie. But life is good and I'm happy to be in it!

Peace,
AJ

[AJM]

Note from the lawyer today. To follow up from yesterday I sent over the deed in trust (found it online. So much information available...)
She talked with stbx's lawyer and her lawyer came back asking about adding another 401k into the deal. Sheeeeeeesh. When is enough enough?
My lawyer was ok with me getting her that information. She said it would make it easier to finalize things. I hope so. This is getting tiring. Or maybe it's way past that and now that I'm seeing the end in sight I'm getting impatient. I'll have to watch that about myself...
Daughter is still staying away. Breaks my heart but I also put myself in her shoes and I can see why. Really doesn't seem that abnormal to me other than she has options available to her that are gut-wrenching to watch her take. I'll have to continue to monitor from afar...

Later,

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Still waiting to hear from the lawyer. Worked with her yesterday to correct some mathematical issues (about 12K worth in my favor). Silly lawyers and their math....

I feel changes in me again. Seems to go in fits and starts, but I feel it coming again. Not a bad thing, but more moving forward. I suspect I'm just feeling the end of the negotiations (again?) and like a horse heading for the stable, I'm ready to get there and get this off my radar.

Other things? Things are good. Work, personal life, etc are all good. I could stand for my daughter to be less rude, but the more I think about it, the more I think this is mostly normal and partially her way of showing her displeasure at the situation. She has stayed away from lashing out at me for the whole thing, and I suspect as she learns to trust her mother more (again), she is now shifting things to take it out on me. I know it isn't me, but rather her anger that she is aiming at me and also her wanting to control her own life without any intervention from me. She has options and in her place I might have done the same.
She has made some comments in the past few months about how she thinks I'm acting like a child because I won't talk to her mom. She also commented that I should sell the house (that was interesting) and hints at why don't I have a girlfriend (presumably like her mom has a boyfriend.) I don't expect her to understand any of that. It took me quite a while to understand all of that and why I make my choices the way I do. There really is no way to get her to understand either. She'll just have to figure things out her way and I'll have to be patient and wait to be more actively invovled. I'm thinking when she is 25 or so? (just kidding)

Peace!

AJ

[DumpedforMIL]

ajm .. are your kids in family therapy?

it concerns me that you seem to be taking a non-chalant position in your daughter's behaviour - chalking it up to her being a teenager. it's like you're hoping things will just work out in the end .. and you won't get involved for the time being.

i dunno .. just what it looks from an outside view.

it's good that you're moving on .. and there is less anger from you. but you need to work on that father/daughter relationship.

[ClingingToHope]

My 12-year-old already is having teen issues and the next few years really worry me. There's a fine line between being involved and trying to control time when they are at the ex's house.

[AJM]

DIL, I appreciate that feedback. I really do and it's a question I was asked by a friend last night as well. The thing is, I'm not sure where to go from here. My kids have so far refused therapy and the ex isn't helpful on that front. I was hoping that the last legal salvo she sent would result in a mandated therapy session for the kids. But I can't count on that.
I'm honestly open to suggestions on this one. I know my daughter is angry and soooooo much more and it's really not about me in many ways. I can look back and see that. But she is angry at us both for the situation and lately has just been swinging back to the ex as the favored parent. But it is not right and I am not hoping for the best or things to work out. I'm hoping for a way I can help my daughter and my son and I'm coming up blank. Still reaching out to others to look for help, but haven't found it yet.

If you have suggestions or advice or anything, I'd love to hear it. I really would.

Thanks for taking the time,

AJ

[DumpedforMIL]

the obvious answer is .. you need to get them into family therapy. find a female therapist who is experienced with teenagers.

just because you are divorcing your wife, it doesn't wipe away your duties as a father. and father knows best.

if your daughter says she wants fried chicken for breakfast, lunch, and dinner .. what are you going to say? she doesn't know better that it will clog her arteries down the road. but you as a father, have to know when to put your foot down.

don't let your daughter walk all over you like a doormat. one of the things i noticed with a lot of divorcing parents is that they crank up the coddling with their kids .. saying stuff like .. they didn't ask for this .. they are so innocent .. i just want to make sure they are happy because they don't deserve this, they shouldn't have to suffer .. blah blah ..

kids know it. and they use it to their advantage. teenagers especially.

who's in control? the kids or the parents? if your kid wants to dress like a hooker to school, are you going to say .. well, she's a teenager .. she's not going to listen to me.

uh .. nfw. yeah, your kids may be totally against the idea of therapy but you need to know that it's best for them because you don't know how to help them at the moment.

and does it matter if your stbxw doesn't go along with it? is that her decision? uh no. as far as you're concern, you are not a team. you need not run anything by her. you are a single parent .. with a single vote that counts. YOURS.

don't ever rely on the courts to make a decision for you. to have the courts decide on what's best for your kids is like asking the bum off the street which stocks to include in your investment portfolio.

sorry, if i seem a little bit abrasive .. but D4MIL operates in a no-coddling zone. i was raised on tough love and i've seen tough love work on others. kids who have been coddled are always weaker and less capable of surviving in the real world.

i spend a lot of time on the other marriage board and i've had a rough week scolding many to get off their butts and move on.

but in a nutshell .. you need to be the parent and know what's best for your kids. the fact that another friend asked you the same thing, says something about what you're doing now is .. not working. get help before it's too late.

parents splitting up isn't a free pass for your kids to act out.

[figgeroni]

I agree that therapy is a good idea but, speaking from experience, it does matter if the other parent objects to therapy...legally it can get tricky.

There is a great program called Parenting with Love and Logic and it talks about how we have to sometimes let our kids experience the natural consequence of something...that controlling them and telling them what to do because"we know best" isn't necessarily a good thing

for instance

my kids have a bed time...not super strict but pretty basic and average (theya re 12 and 13 and lights out at 10pm) INstead of fighting with them and tryign to bust them when they are up later with a movie on and then getting into a p*ssing match almost, Love and Logic says to let them know that you don't approve
"OK guys, you know lights out at 10. It's 10:30 and the TV is still on."
"But moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, EVERYONE is staying up late to watch this movie and I want to finish it."

In my house, my mom would have reached over, shut the TV off and that would have been the end of the discussion except for me thinking what an unfair witch she was and how she didn't know anything.

Love and Logic says...let YOU be right

"OK...I am not going to argue with you about this. You know when lights out is and you know it is because when you stay up later then you are grumpy and don't want to get up for school. You won't be allowed to sleep in and I don't want to hear you complain."

The next day, they ar a bear to get up...complaining and whining and not wanting to go to school. I say, as cheerfully as morning allows... "Sorry guys, no time to listen to the complaints. I am sorry you are tired but there is no skipping school for being tired or having a headache." then walk away

I did not engage them
they learned a natural consequence
and
I got to be right for a change!!!

CHeck it out...it is a really good concept
if we don't allow kids to experience natural consequences (obviously for things that aren't life threatening) they won't learn those lessons and they NEED to learn them before they go off on their own