The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Gorilla Glue? LOL. That's good stuff though.

I agree kml. I see and have seen a lot of guilt. But I think she has made her peace with that. Who knows, but I suspect so. She blamed me for her leaving (flimsy, but seemed to work for her) for reasons I may never understand; I've stopped trying to understand and just rely on the facts of what I've seen and experienced. I remember during all of this going on I actually thought about just agreeing with her so she wouldn't suffer so much and so visibly. That thinking influenced my decisions and I came dangerously close to completely losing myself. My father pointed that out to me at one point. It was his concern that I would get really messed up in the head. I can see where his concerns were valid.

Kat, you are absolutely correct. I did what I could. I can see, based on some other interactions with her mother, that I can honestly feel sorry for my stbx. Yikes. But not my place to fix her. Really, I have let that go. I get wound up about a few things, but it passes and it is situational now - has been for a long time.

I did get a complaint letter from her lawyer yesterday. Funny. She couldn't complain about what she was in a rage about on Friday, so she lashed out however she could from what I can see. Ok. It's going to get ugly I'm sure. And only over about 3K worth of money from what I can see. I may have to surprise her and agree to that just to end it. I'll play that by ear....

I spoke to her last night. That was weird. She was actually polite although visibly shaking and had very watery eyes. I had no emotion about it. Surprised me and then again, it didn't. Just discussing some emails she thought she sent, it ocurred to me she was angrier at her (perceived) no response. That strikes me as odd as well, but I suspect I just don't know what normal is yet.

I started to feel sorry for her before. I realize that isn't right. She made her choices and she will have to live with them. I made my choices and I have to live with mine. I make mine every day and live with them. But it did strike me as odd that she seemed to want to talk more than just to pass on the information about the kids. She seemed disappointed that I didn't have anything else to say. I'm not. I don't want to talk to her in the first place. Every time I do, I get slapped up side the head not long afterwards almost like it is some sort of game and I'm the whipping post in it. No thanks.

I had to remind myself that this is the same woman that offered me sex if I would initiate the divorce. That Moved out on Mother's day the first time. That couldn't spend time with the kids unless her new friends were around. I remember thinking she shattered into a thousand pieces. I watched this trainwreck for a long time and I know that she did this. Wasn't what I wanted. Still isn't if the truth be known, but I have accepted it and I am moving on as much as I can while still in this legal limbo.

I've told myself I may talk to her again at some point. But conversation is not something I want from her in her current mind. If she ever becomes a reasonable human being again, I'll talk to her. One that doesn't fly into a rage if things aren't as she wants them. One that doesn't try to hurt me at every opportunity she gets. If that happens, I might be willing to talk. Then again, I may not make the time beyond hello. I really couldn't say. It's not that I don't love her. I do. I hope and pray for the best for her (several times a day), but I in no way intend to be abused like that ever again. By anybody. I'll do whatever it takes to not. To that end, when she is polite, I respond. When she is in a rage and mean, I do not. Simple as that.

Don't get me wrong. It still hurts. It pains me to no end to see my kids in this situation. Especially my daughter. I see her idolizing her mother and trying to have a relationship with her and not getting what she is after. I can only guide and help, but not much more. I have offered to help my stbx in her endeavor to be a better parent. Not in those words, but the meaning was there. I support that. It is after all, in the best interest of my kids and myself. My stbx benefits as well, but that's not the deciding factor although I'm not against it. It just is. Surprisingly sometimes, I harbor no ill will towards her. I wouldn't be happy if she got hurt, or was destitute (that won't likely happen) or any harm came to her. I really wouldn't.

The legal stuff? It's a pain in the neck. It really is. But it'll pass. And it could be worse. Several co-workers were at a funeral today for a 14 yr old that died suddenly after flu-like symptoms. Matter of days. My problems are really insignificant if you put it in perspective. Insignificant but annoying.

Peace,

AJ

[AJM]

Funny how things come to us. It occurred to me this evening that part of the anger and frustration I've been feeling has been more related to fairness. Silly huh? But I don't think I realized how it was affecting me.
The issue is my kids. I'm frustrated and angry how they were unfairly treated by my stbx and how her decisions affect them. And me consequently of course. I do know that they will work out what they work out. But they miss out on having two parents during their teen years. They miss out on that foundation. It bothers me.
Just sayin'
For me, getting something out in the open is a way of dealing with it. This is now out in the open.

Cheers,
AJ

[AJM]

Yuck. Thought I was done with that crud. That feeling of dread and general low feelings. I know what brought it about. The conversation with the STBX the other night. Can't help but feel it's like looking at somebody in the eyes and feeling that knife slide up the back. Ever so slowwwwly.
I also know it doesn't last long. That's a plus.
And it's not really realistic. She can't really hurt me any longer. She can make it a pain with the kids, but that's about all. She is trying based on the emails. And heck, I have been trying to get her to want to spend more time with them for years.
It's just crazy. I shouldn't live like this. I should keep my sights where they belong. Heck, that's been the struggle all along really. Keeping my perspective (i.e. sanity) during all of this. It goes back years and crept in slowly, so I don't beat myself up about it. Just is part of the journey out of the hole I was in.
But damnit, I'm ready to be out of it. And to stop sliding around and back into it, even if just a little bit.

Enough griping. I'm going to do something more positive with my evening.

AJ

[AJM]

More positive helped. Much better perspective now. Could use some sleep, but we can't have it all, right?
Met with a friend who went through similar with her husband. She is just starting to date and is about to be dumped by the first guy she started to trust. I can see it plainly - she needs to learn to trust her own instincts again. It's easy to see because I am on the outside of that one. Funny how that works, eh?
I also sent a (I thought) positive note to stbx letting her know that she doesn't have to be worried about time with the kids. She sent me an email and started it with, "per the sep agreement" checking to see about time with the kids for Easter. Easter happens to fall on my daughter's 16th birthday as well this year. At first I was a bit angry about the way stbx worded things. I let that go and instead noticed that it would put my daughter in a tug of war. I opted to not do that and instead suggested my stbx pick the kids up the night before, even though it's my weekend with the kids. I just can't put my kids into a tug of war - this isn't because of them. It's not about them. They deserve better than that and I can help in this case, even though it's not what I want. So I let stbx know that, and her reply was still caustic. I wasn't clear from her writing that this was about Easter, and her caustic response to me asking about it wasn't necessary. I thought about it and decided to let her know that starting a message with "per our sep agreement" came across as angry and fearful and that since she told me she was neither, it wasn't necessary. That's as nice as I can be towards her. It's as nice as I would be towards a stranger, so I don't feel like I'm giving her any special attention.

Anyway, I'm worried about my relationships with my kids as they still try to understand the difference between how things were and how they are now. As they try to understand what is, in the end, not understandable. There is no explanation and believe me I tried to get one. I got many conflicting ones instead. It was pointless to try when all was said and done.

I still notice the anger. I still can't figure out why it's there. Instead I'll adjust my interactions to protect my kids and my interest and leave it at that. I have better things to do...

Peace,

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

I'm getting better at the kid time too. Last year I was very, very protective of my time with them. Now ... if it makes sense to give up some time for their good then I do it.

I gave up asking STBXW why a long, long time ago. I still think about why she chose to bankrupt both of us -- and perhaps her mother -- and limit the resources available to our daughters. I don't think I'll ever stop totally.

[AJM]

Yeah, don't get me wrong. My mind looks for "why" all the time. I'm a super-curious person to begin with. Once, when I left a job years ago, they gave me a book of answers to all kinds of trivial things. They used to joke about it but I love that book.
The thing is, I like a good puzzle. I do. But this is not a solveable puzzle. At least not by me. I know that. I accept that. I ask why anyway, not because I need an answer to this, but because it is who I am. Always have been and likely will be.
I can honestly say I still love her. But not in the same way. I cannot picture myself with her. Not even walking beside her on the street. I used to look at what she said and trusted her to do what she said. I don't any longer. I learned. I thought for a while it might be me or something about the way I was towards her. It wasn't. This divorce has very little to do with me and I know that. I've gone over everything about me, us, our past etc. Belive me, I have had a long time to do that and many sleepness nights looking and searching for things. I did find some things about me I didn't like. I changed them long ago. There were not too many, and many were reactionary behaviors. I don't like to react but rather prefer to act. That is one reason it took me so long to change some of the things I didn't like - I refused to believe I was reacting to something. But I was.
I don't even ask why she wanted out any longer. I still don't understand it, but come to realize I won't and that even if I did, it is meaningless. Instead I look at the actions. Past and present. And I choose to deal with those as I have to in the best way that I can. I am at peace with that.
I have not been protective of the kids w regards to the time. I was jealous. My mind was screaming, "don't you know what she did?!??" or "don't you know that man is not her 'friend'?!??" I don't do that any longer. Instead, I choose to let that go.
I realize my emotions are still around. They are not as strong as they once were, but I do still work on things. I do still realize that I have to deal with her and loathe that time when I do. Why? Because I don't appreciate being treated that way. By anyone. And I've been treated poorly for a very long time without lashing out. It's stressful, but I find that it brings me more peace if I let it go than if I react. Most of the time. Some times it is appropriate to get angry and react to the junk she pulls. For respect if nothing else.
I also realize that she has to fight very hard to not respect me. I get that. I don't take pride in that but I recognize it. And the more I think about it, it's possible that's why she had tears in her eyes when talking to me the other day. It may have been that rage being held back and being scared that I'll be what she has constructed in her mind. I at least can admire that she faced me anyway. I have no respect for her. I feel sorry for her sometimes, but that passes quickly. She made her choices. I am making mine. The rest will be dealt with as it comes up.
I look back and know I treated her well. I know that because I went back over all of it a while back. I could see with clarity there was NOTHING else I could have done at any time in our relationship. I am at peace with that. I know that I'll find somebody else and be able to have a great relationship with them. Not because I've changed greatly, but because I can and I because I will change with somebody else. And be very happy with that.

What's ahead? There be dragons...

Peace,
AJ

[AJM]

Had a great weekend. Well mostly. I do have a teenage daughter after all. I can see, after going through similar with my stbx that this is something my daughter needs to do. I notice that she is great and nice and polite with others but venemous towards me. I joked with a friend that I could say the exact same thing as the stranger next to me and that person would be hailed as a genius while I am given venemous and evil glances.
I'm ok with that. Really. While it is NOT any fun, I see it as a normal thing for her growth. It doesn't feel wrong if that makes sense?
I was so worried for so long about how the kids were acting that this is something I see with mixed emotions. While I miss my little girl and refuse to be treated poorly, I am glad that she is struggling for her independence. And trusts me enough to do that. That sounds bad, but I know that she would have a harder time if she didn't trust me. I still remember the conversation we had about her and if I would love her no matter what she did or became. I follow the french backing method here: great bread like great children, need a strong foundation to grow properly. I will do that for her
I didn't spend much time thinking about the past this weekend. I did realize however that I am coming to terms with some of the things holding me back. For example, I feel robbed of my children's teen years and being able to be a solid parental front during that time. As I mentioned before, I think that plays back into my not being sure I'm done wanting children. I need to put the two to rest and I can feel myself working on those issues. Almost there
I also realized that I am very much working to forgive myself and my inability to save my marriage alone. There is nothing I could have done differently. I know that. It seems I just haven't accepted all of that yet. Identification is the first step, right?
Otherwise, things are good. Still have to get the sep agreement and house squared away, but it's moving along. Slower than I'd like of course.
It is funny though. I was talking to a friend last night who is going through a hard time. She was talking about when she was in grad school and the stress and how she needed meds. She stopped taking them a while back and may have to go back on them. When she mentioned that stress level and needing meds it took me back to watching my stbx and how she handled or didn't handle stress. And her seeming anxiety about things. She worries about the strangest things even now from the little interaction we have. It's bizarre to me.
I heard the words. I went back briefly to that place and realized that no matter what, the actions are what count. The reasons are immaterial when all is said and done. She chose what she chose. I have made my choices - I told her if she left again, it was final. She had already mentioned divorce and was already mixed up the boyfriend for a long period of time. Enough is enough. Was and is. In effect, while she did the leaving, I am now following through on my promises (I always do so it's no surprise, but it is a little later internally than I thought it would be). I am leaving her. I have been for a long time now. I see that. But I see it much more clearly now and realize it more and more. I think it has to be that I leave her even after the fact. I thought that would matter, but it seems more important now.

Cheers,
AJ

[AJM]

Sheesh. If it's not one thing, it's another
Got a response to the house pre-qual letter I've been trying to get. It makes it look like the house is worth a heck of a lot more. Her lawyer responded that she thought I was hiding money. LOL. As if.
Then there was the issue of my daughter and I. She and I argued the other day. She's 15 and taking advantage of the situation. I don't blame her. We argued over her treatment of me and her choices on facebook. It's complicated only because her mother and I don't talk. Leaves her room to do what she wants. Guess what? She is.
So the argument got heated and I got in her face. She raised her hands to me and I decided it was time to cool it off and made her sit down on the ground. Twice. My son walked over as well, but went inside after that. After daughter cooled off, the three of us sat down to discuss. She was angry to say the least, but then she was angry anyway even before that. She doesn't want to be told what to do. I can understand that. But I also can't allow that kind of behavior. That would be unparental of me in my opinion.

Anyway, that's now how the conversation with the lawyer went. I expected that. Especially once I went after stbx for her parenting or lack thereof since that's what she accused me of. I pointed out to her that if that were the case, she wouldn't have left the kids with me. So honestly, I expected this from her or worse. There will be more I'm sure because I'm not stupid: I do realize that for her to deal with herself she has to make what she said come true if she can. Or at least look for the opportunities to make it seem true.

I stand by my decisions to parent my children and not be disrespected nor threatened. I honestly believe my child deserves to be parented and to know she is being looked after. It still [censored] though.

Anyway, just venting. We'll see how it goes. I've seen this sort of thing in others prior to this, and I have no doubt it will take time to go through the process. Sadly, I suspect my daughter will be off to college by then.

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Yep, it's painful to see my daughter push away even more. But I still stand by my decisions. I talked it out with several friends; why? Just to see. If there is somewhere I need to improve, I want to do it. But I see my place as her father. As her father some things are unacceptable. They cannot be allowed. Unfortunately the situation allows for her to run and hide from that.
So, I stand by what I did and you know what? I stand by the parenting I've done all along. I knew that already, but today I reexamined that because that's how I am. I constantly do that.
I believe wholeheartedly that I have and continue to do the right thing by my children with or without her help.
Confirmation class was interersting tonight. We had a guest speaker come in with a tora. It was very interesting. My son and I couldn't stop talking about it. Pretty cool.

Later,
AJ

[AJM]

Update:
My son and I had a conversation the other night. My daughter is trying to get him to go with her to a rowing event on my birthday. I could feel his pain as he was looking at what to do. I told him I would like him to go with me and pointed out that it wasn't her only or last event. I also told him if he wanted to spend some time with his mom (it's her birthday too) that night, to go for it. I told him at no time will I put him in a position to have to choose. This wasn't what he asked for and I in no way will put him or his sister in that position.
Otherwise, I have a new mort broker working for me. He's doing a bang up job and moving things right along. That's good news!
Looking forward to the weekend and getting some much needed downtime. If any can be had... New job duties are starting to creep in
AJ