The year of not my problem

[kat727]

We are here when you are ready or need us!

hang in there, kat

[AJM]

Journaling:
I'm doing very well. She moved out yesterday. Good. No more having to live in the same house. She seemed surprised when I politely declined her offer to pay her phone bill and to store my stuff at her new house. I was very clear however that I do not trust her and do not want to be joined in any way.
Of course, she responded with something about her lawyer. Not surprised.
Came home to an empty house. The good part is that it's much easier to clean.

Have been reading more from Gucci's thread in newcomers. Good advice I think. Things I thought I knew before being brought back into focus. Like reconnecting with parts of myself. Absolutely right - let them go free. The sooner the better.
I know in my case it was very important that my children see it this way. It was very important that they see their mom leave and not me. It was very important for me to to know that I did everything I could think of to save my marriage. That I left nothing undone. I can say that is the case.
I can also say I would never recommend to anyone that they put up with the crap I've put up with. Nobody deserves that. Took me a while to really see how to deal with it though. She's a craft one.

My father made me nervous the other day. He mentioned that she won't stop antoginizing me for a long time. He mentioned that he thinks she won't be satisfied until she feels like she "won" and that won't happen until she feels like I "lost". I don't get that, but I can't dispute it either. My lawyer appt is next week and I am looking for some way to protect myself and my kids from her in the future. Hope he can offer some advice in that arena. By protect I mean protect from her legally harassing me. I know she will have much more disposable resources when she graduates and I can see where she may try to use them. Sad, but I can see it.

Anyway, just keeping busy getting some replacement furniture and a grill. Not sure what else is missing just yet, but still looking around and gathering whatever she forgot and putting it into bags.

I miss my kids.

AJ

[whatisis]

I was lucky in that when I moved out my kids came with me for the first week, so I had a bit of a buffer. What are your custody and visitation arrangements?

[Kalni]

I am sorry AJM. It doenst make sense but it is what it is. Hang in there. You sound strong, hope you are feeling strong too.
K

[AJM]

Thanks guys. Current visitation is M&Th with her, Tu&Wed with me and every other weekend.
Journaling:
Was a lot of fun to be in a mostly empty house. Made the best of it and could hear the laughter echoing off the walls.
While sitting where the table used to be, I opened the mail to find a card from church congratulating us on the 19th wedding anniversary. That's when I started laughing...I see the irony and humor in things again and I like that.
I interviewed two lawyers over the past few weeks. After the first one I had a therapist appt and while talking to her, it was apparent that wasn't the right lawyer. She didn't know him and he was very interested in litigating. I'm not. That's not what this is about. The therapist recommended several that she labeled as competent. She was right. The lawyer I talked to earlier in the week is very sharp and is not just interested in litigating. I like that. She is more about damage limitations. Limiting the money stbx is going to get etc. I told her I did NOT want to mess with the custody unless very clear it was for the best interests of the kids. I don't see that being an issue right now.
On that note, it's not lost on me that she wants joint custody and yet will hardly be there with the kids. Her mom has been helping her out with the transportation etc of the kids. The kids are NOT happy. I don't blame them. They want to spend time with their mom and she is unavailable - either school or friends seem to get in the way. Can't change that but I notice for the kids sake. I'll keep watching.
Talking it over with the therapist she mentioned it is unusual that couples that come to her have 16 years of a good marriage (it was) and then suddenly one partner just leaves like this. Says she has seen it, but it is not usual. I agree. It is what it is, but it is anything but normal in this situation. I think that's why it has been so hard to come to terms with for me. Christmas was good and then by the following summer she wanted out and hated me. Hard to understand.
I realize now that you can't rationalize the irrational.
I also realize she won't stop trying to control me and won't stop trying to hurt me just because we don't live together. She is still trying. It's weird. I mentioned to the therapist that it was hard to deal with her statement that, "you'll be done and then sometime after that she'll make up her mind." That made things tough to deal with this.
That's behind me now. I realize that while I still hurt, it's not nearly as much as before and I realize that there is no going back. It won't be possible. Only forward. Deal with the pieces and move on.
But I do have to be careful to structure things so that she cannot antagonize in the future. She'll have many more resources to do that.
I got a text from her the other day about my son "freaking out" because there was a car in the driveway. My friend left a car in the driveway and when my son came to the house he thought it was somebody looking at the house. The neighbor called the stbx (why they didn't call me, I don't know), and asked about it. That came to me as "you should tell your son what to expect. I don't care what you do or who you do it with, but you should let him know when there is a car in the driveway." I had already had the conversation with my son, but that's irrelevant for the conversation. I was surprised to hear her even bring that up. I am very clear how she feels about me. In fact, I resent that she even brings it up like that. Feels controlling and mean for some reason. Maybe I'm just sensitive....

Meanwhile, just putting my house and life back together still. Getting some traffic on the house which seems a good thing. Just have to see how that goes. Tough market to sell anything.

AJ

[AJM]

Oh, almost forgot: she moved out a few weeks ago. I got a text on a Tuesday and she was gone Friday. Been a while since I was here on the boards...


AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
And so it continues. She is still trying to tell me about herself. Unnecessary things about her schedule and such. It grates on my nerves, but only a little.
Lawyer is hired. House price is lowered for the weekend. Daughter is with her and son is going with his grandfather to california for a week for his birthday.
Birthday celebration at home was fun, although I was coming down with some illness and got really sleepy later in the evening. Son seemed to enjoy the time though.
Sent more stuff to her that is hers including the Christmas present I didn't give her. It was a repaired ring I gave her when we were dating that later broke. Also her original engagement ring which had been broken a few years ago and not repaired.
As for me, I feel a coldness I thought I already had. Weird. That coldness extends to quite a few things, but it struck me as odd that I feel cold now. I thought I had already been there. Truth is I have, but apparently there is more.
I'm starting to suspect there will be more for a long time to come. I'm ok with that though. Which also surprises me

More later,
AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Nothing much to report. More traffic on the house. Maybe it will sell? Who knows...
More texts from STBX. Didn't grate on me as much, but my conversations with the lawyers and therapist has been. I realized that this morning. My issue was more around the time lines (can you tell?) and the rehashing of the story. I think that caused it to come back. Doesn't help that I've been burning the candle at both ends as well. I suspect I'm over tired. That's ok, knowing it helps and I'm starting to cut back on some things to help.
I recall the therapist telling me that we are a bit unique from what she's seen. Different than most. That I'll be done and sometime after that STBX will make up her mind. That this would have happened now or in a few years, but that it was bound to have happened. That has haunted me for a bit, and the lawyers questions brought that all back up.

Is what it is and that's how it will be. There can be no other way, and I like that. The ambiguity that went on for so long was enough to kill a horse; thankfully I'm not a horse, although I sometimes play one on the internet...

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Not really too much to talk about. I'm finally starting to realize that I've been very tired and over-doing things as of late. Very much headed for burn out. Seems to keep me busy though. That's been different than how I have been, but I'm guessing it's a defensive mechanism. And it is not a bad thing. Just that I'm tired and can feel that I need a break very soon.

I'm going to take my D to the amusement this weekend. I promised her I would last year when we tried and the place was closed. Different one this time. Should be fun.

Ciao!

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

I'm going to feel like that in about a month. I packed a lot into the summer with my girls and now I'm in a stretch where I'll have them on the weekend or be working my second job for four straight weeks. Plus, my gig with running the scoreboard starts in two weeks.

So lots of extra money, but little time for anything else.

It keeps my mind occupied though. Have fun at amusement park. I took my daughters to Six Flags Great America last week. Fun ... but how the money flew away.