he was back, i think

[mdoodles]

ok puppy, i need your advice because this time around im not waiting anything out anymore and willing to do what you tell me, the first time lol...

situation with boyfriend is still the same, he is wrapped up in his life and stressful events, im completely back burner and havent seen him. we know im patient and understanding but im not his wife and this hasnt been fair.

i have pulled away, not answered his texts, but of course eventually i always do. this week i was angry enough that i told him to leave my belongings with his doorman as i will be dropping his off, that ive had enough. of course, he talked me out of it and wants to see me tomorrow if he isnt away on his business trip.

i swear i feel like a mistress! even though i know he isnt with his wife! i know for a fact the stress in his life is valid, very heavy things that do occupy his nights. and really, i did end things with him so if he is playing around, i cant say anything.

i told him this week that i realize i have no credibility when i say im done with this but i did go out with someone else. i wasnt happy about it but i went because this isnt fair.

so puppy, what now, do i wait and see if plans materialize tomorrow? if he is away, do i see if when he comes back that plans are actually made? and if not, then really be finished, drop off his things and move on?

what do you advise?

on another note, h is still rather friendly and flirty even with his wages being garnished...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Doodles,

I think you should meet with him, and before he says anything, just tell him "You know, I've been thinking, and this really isn't working for me anymore. I really like you, and we've had a lot of fun, and who knows, maybe we can get back together in the future, or even date every now and again if we'd both like, but I'd like to take some new directions with my life right now."

Do a "Robx" on him, mixed with a little "Pearlharbor." Pearl was exceptional at laying out for her boyfriend "Look, the boyfriend that I have in my life will be exclusive and committed with me. He will be considerate, X, Y and Z, and if that's YOU, then he will be more understanding that -- considering his past infidelity -- that he needs to make me feel safe again in the relationship. Now, whether or not that boyfriend is YOU, is COMPLETELY UP TO YOU . . . but this is what I need. Please let me know if you think you can do that."

In other words, you base this on what YOU need and want in your life, not on trying to control HIM.

Make sense??

Puppy

[mdoodles]

ok, ive basically done that. he has asked me to wait and be patient and chill and relax and give him time to sort out his stuff for things to be normal again. ok, thats great. so i relax. and well, its been a while now and he makes plans to see me and they always change. to me, he should be dieing to see me already. so when i get fed up and end things, he stops me and i let him because ending things isnt what i want.

do i take the stand of dropping off his things to make it clear that im not playing around here?

or, do i wait till i actually see him to have a real discussion. i prefer this option but im sooooo losing my patience.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wouldn't attack this with his possessions. I'd do it by dating others, and portraying yourself once again as a single, available woman.

My daughter recently did this with POWERFUL results -- FINALLY listened to her old man!!

Puppy

[mdoodles]

i agree with you. however, ive done it. and for me, mentally, i last a few days and then talk to him. i go out with someone else and miss him. i even told him i went out with someone else.

the only thing that shakes him is when i threaten im done. so maybe, does he need me to follow through? and by follow through, take my things and drop off his? is there another option? something in between that allows me to mentally move on without actually moving his belongings?

he is a powerful business man, very in control. he thinks he has me. i do shake him but at the end of the conversation, he isnt too concerned anymore.

i dont want to be a fool again and wait for someone and sit quietly. is there another way to spin this? to say something that leaves me in control?

[mdoodles]

so now he is going away tomorrow until sun. told me that on monday we will pick which night works for us. it is normal for us to wait until monday to figure out our schedule for the week but i was pissed anyway. i wanted to know now, i wanted time set aside for me now. i flip on him,and he takes it from me.

i flip i think because i didnt flip enough in the beginning of the demise with h. i was too quiet, too much a doormat. and i dont want to be one again. i may like him, may wait around alittle more than most, but im not doing it quietly.

i waited enough in my life. but i really really like this guy.

perhaps next week something will get resolved. however, if our plans do not materialize, if he cancels, i am finished with this whole situation. and i think this time he knows it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So why don't YOU set the agenda for when you meet, and what you discuss, Doodles? Why are you letting HIM dictate all of that?

Puppy

[mdoodles]

i agree with you. and i tried. he told me we would talk in monday to see which night worked. like i said, big businessman, constantly taking client out, meeting clients, one night seeing his kids after work. so we usually made the plans on monday,figuring out our schedules.

so as much as that was normal for us, i told him i wanted to set the day now (as in yesterday) and he didnt budge. said we can figure it out on monday. so i said, i heard that, but im afraid next week will pan out like every other week and even him promising these days doesnt mean too much.

so here we are. i wanted to say forget it and at the same time, ive waited this long, i can wait till monday, make the plans and see if they materialize. if they do, i have the chance to talk to him finally in person and discuss where we really stand. if the plans dont work, im finished.

any thoughts? i realize he is in control here, as much as im speaking up, im tolerating his controlling behavior.

i think he is completely wrapped up in his issues right now and he knows he has me so im on a shelf. but i think he sees im more serious right now than i have been.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So find another shelf (date someone else). Shake up the dynamic.

[newmama]

Hi, doodles, a post you made under LRT caught my eye so I just read a lot of your thread. Call me jaded, but could your boyfriend be dating his mistress again? Forgive me if I am jumping to conclusions!

Since you are not in a serious relationship with him or marriage, there is little to lose by NC and 180. Keep it up! This relationship could just be your healing rebound so to speak...