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#1773740 - 05/27/09 07:18 AM he was back, i think
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
starting a new thread.

i am just so overwelmed and confused and angry and hurt.

who knows what today will bring.

i have to complete papers for the short sale for our house today, as well as clear up our health insurance issues and other paperwork.

most of the night my mind was racing about everything and of course watching tv, each show i turned on involved a mistress, how ironic.

i just dont know what to do. i have to push myself to move on, but its not what i want.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

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#1773744 - 05/27/09 07:40 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
FightingFit Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Canberra, Australia
...

not knowing straight off your sitch (being new and stuff), I would say... let your mind race to an extent... one has to think... but agree within yourself a time and place you wont do that.. maybe you have some favorite shows, or maybe you like cooking, or a hobby...

is there something you do, where you could say to yourself, "when I am doing that, I cant think of this". and you could make that your special retreat... a place where you know you must not at all think of these things. you could call it a parachute of the psyche. for me I have a few things. One is "my shows", I have two in a row on a thurs night I watch, and nothing must intrude. also the other is cooking, when cooking nothing must intrude re my x or sitch, the kitchen is sacred space. and i also escape into my bible, or reading time, at night. I think if things are getting very hard and sore, its safe and good to plan some "getaway" things where its easy to distract yourself. OH thats right also THE SIMS. when I play THE SIMS, im not allowed to think of x or sitch. thats my red button of emergency. if things are getting out of hand in my mind I can run off to the sims.

that isnt healthy long term... but it can be quite healthy to give yourself a break for a while, as in several years, til you no longer need those props... i dont think there is anyhting wrong with those kind of escape mechanisms... depends if you can tell yourself and your mind and make the boundaries.

none of us want to move on, but life is going to carry on despite our protests so, to get thru it, it can help to have a few 'do not disturb' signs mentally.

who ever thought we'd be here? not i. im very glad I didnt have a crstal ball 20 years ago. id have been terrified. the kids wouldnt have been born! no one chooses this place of non choice, but its not ours alone, and we must abide by our spouses choice even tho it sits very ill with us. in the end though we must not confuse acceptance with a giving up of hope. we can both accept our situation, and STILL hope for a happy ending, at once. called FAITH, and though hard to hold onto, we do so bc we fear the alternative.

the alternative is often not as tragic or terrible as we think but we're not at that point yet so why talk about it this early on. but me, I highly suspect letting go of that faith isnt going to be as hard as i thought, nor giving up as it feels. I bet dying feels a lot like that. well im not ready to die yet, NOR give up faith, so in the meantime I'll keep suspecting it might not be so bad to let go completely, and not do so... I know in the end I will but i'll do it on my time when its right for me. this is my pain and im holding it as long as i want. it probably IS smart to let it go but let me decide when.

its the same for all of us... we can only comfort one another. life goes on, even when it sucks. i choose the sucky bit right now. Im sure one day ill be wise enough to be smart. thats not right now so...

\:\) smile... we're all human... xoxoxo blessings your doing the best you can...
_________________________
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

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#1773747 - 05/27/09 07:48 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
i dont know how to not talk to him, i dont know how to switch my mind so quickly.

this must be a total mlc, always thought it was. i just cant relate to it.

i dont operate like him.

im waiting for the phone to ring, like every other morning when he didnt live at home
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

Top
#1773752 - 05/27/09 08:05 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
FightingFit Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Canberra, Australia
in the end you wont... I was the same. In the end you wont. believe me.

its not a better place to be, but it is a lot more peaceful. of course you dont operate like him, hes being a selfish AHOLE. they always are.

keep reminding youself you can totally love someone, absolutely love them... but come to terms with the fact they dont feel the same about you. the pain never goes away or ends, but it does become manageable. think of it like say... learning to deal with a permanently bad back. it CAN BE DONE.

naturually we'd never choose that sitch. but you have to at least see you can live, if it comes to that, and quite well. this WONT KILL YOU. it only feels like it will LOL. but it WONT. you are going to LIVE. and you have a long TIME to live btw so you might as well do stuff you dont mind doing and do some of that stuff you always put off, maybe a new cooking course, learn to cook asian get a wok, or maybe its to do pottery, so get some classes. maybe once when you were 20 you liked the idea of quilting, or nail art, but never followed thru.

DO IT

you probably think right now, that yea you can live single and do stuff like above but overall its gonna suck, and not be what yo REALLY want. this is true. but remember this: you FAKE it til you MAKE it. it takes time before you realise your no longer FAKING.

we become as obsessed with saving our M as our ex does with the OP. that realisation alone is power. we think we have nothing else in our life, nothing to live for, so we suck on that addiction. Its better than NOTHING.

it might (or might not!) help to think that, and think, do i EVER want to be addicted to H, as he is to OW??? do ya???? given what hes DONE?

you know logically right, hes gonna regret her later.... or at least his actions. so logically, you might regret this pain and obsession with H that he doesnt really deserve, later on...

knowledge doesnt bring relief to pain but can illuminate ENOUGH for us to at least relieve our situations... to see a glimmer of truth, of POTENTIAL truth. that can be enough to walk towards, even if its not our dream, bc we know our dream may never come true...

theres alternatives...

and they aint so horrid. ideal no.. but not horrid. they're worth living for. and being happy about, grateful about. pain cant last forever... yours wont mine wont. every second wespend even talking to one another, thats more pain gone from hour "hourglass of emotional pain". this IS NOT forever. NOTHING in life stays the same. THIS wont either... you can BANK your faith on THAT, unlike a cheating spouse!

you wont always feel this way, itll pass, YAY. thank god for that. as for them, they can deal with their own issues! WE wont have "regret" as one!
_________________________
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

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#1773756 - 05/27/09 08:19 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: FightingFit]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
thank you. its nice to hear this support even though i know it, its still nice to have it reinforced.

its just so unfathomable to me (is that a word? lol)...things were made so much worse with opening this business and using our families' money to do it, on his word.

and now he can tell me its time to move on, its enough already?

how does someone do that and say that? how does someone come home to his little boy and leave again?

i just cant. i dont want to be in this situation. but i know i dont have a choice.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

Top
#1773760 - 05/27/09 08:30 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
FightingFit Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Canberra, Australia
at the end of the day, its not about questioning them, or how they can do the things they do - you wont ever get those questions answered - its about no longer caring what the answers ARE.

you will reach that point and its a point of 'no return'. thats why we fight it so much... we know thats the real 'death'. for US. but it creeps up on you anyhow just like death DOES. one day you'll look up at the stars and think "I just dont care how he made his choices, or even if he regrets them; I only care how I think and feel; I'll NEVER know HIS mind". and the truth sinks in kind of like acid, only not so painful as you thought it WOULD be, at all. more like say, quicksand. just envelopesy you. its not something to look forward to, but it is something to at least know is down the road so you might recognise it.

thru all this stuff you gotta remember: can LOVE exist where theres no RESPECT? do you still RESPECT him? in my case I realised I had lost respect for him a looong time ago baby; dont even know when it happened; i was so busy focussed on the love I forgot about it... but once i remembered it, i realised something hard... without that, theres nothing BUT love and its a LOVE of the PAST. a love of WHO HE WAS. I dont respect him at all and I dont respect anything hes done, or who he is today. If he came back right NOW, that respect would STILL not be there. it would STILL be gone no matter how I wished it was there... and no patience or time is going to revive it, either. its either THERE or GONE. LOVE can exist without RESPECT, but as a partnership, wont thrive. we just forget that cuz they're GONE. but if he was back it would bc an ISSUE...

even tho you probably think you can never LOVE again guess what??/ you can RESPECT again. and thats how it will happen... you will repsect someone, for a long time. LIKE them a lot. for who they are.

and love will come back to you.
_________________________
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

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#1773807 - 05/27/09 09:24 AM Re: he was back, i think [Re: FightingFit]
stillloveshim Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 626
Loc: Florida
mdoodles--luv you sister so I'm going to say this--knock it off, cut the crap and say bye to all your guests at your pity party.

This is me shaking the crap out of you, get it together. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.

You can do this, you just have to calm down and think.

Read DB or DR again. You have to figure out your More of the Same Behaviors and STOP IT. Stop talking about OW, stop talking about R/M and when he comes home today, just say, I was worried about you last night. A call or text would have made me feel better, but I'm glad you're ok -- then walk away or change the subject.

It's time to repackage you. Take the parts of the old you he fell in love with and parts of the new you that YOU love and put them together. Be the chick one million men would kick your H's butt for.

Snap out of it. This is your life--don't waste one more second of it.

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#1773969 - 05/27/09 01:07 PM Re: he was back, i think [Re: stillloveshim]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
i agree with u.

if it werent for the business, this wouldnt be as big of a mess.

the business will have to just close now, because i cant give more money.

i feel like this is my fault, and i know its not.

he chose this.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

Top
#1774050 - 05/27/09 03:04 PM Re: he was back, i think [Re: mdoodles]
stillloveshim Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 626
Loc: Florida
what kind of business is it?

What are you going to do next? What's your next plan of attack or whatever?

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#1774080 - 05/27/09 03:25 PM Re: he was back, i think [Re: stillloveshim]
mdoodles Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/08
Posts: 1011
Loc: new york
we opened a gourmet market - like a gourmet deli, butcher shop, bakery and catering business.

we have no choice but to sell it and close it at the same time.

i cannot give money to it knowing he is still paying some of the ow's bills.

the business was supposed to be able to support itself and us, and it is not. therefore my parents were helping it.

i cannot allow that to continue.

if we lose it all, fine, but we cant lose more.

big mess.
_________________________
me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09

Top
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