how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

I am new to this site. I have read DR and multiple other books, as well as having 2 phone sessions with a DB coach. My H is a WAS. We are both 30, been married only 2 years. Broke up twice before getting engaged, then 9 months into our marriage, he dropped the bomb that he didn't want to be married anymore. Never really moved out, but did stay with family/friends for a while before deciding that he wanted to change. Diagnosed with adult ADHD, attended counseling on his own and eventually the 2 of us together. Things got back to good and I learned to heal the hurt he'd caused. Time passed, I pursued him, seeking assurance of his love, he withdrew. This is a recurring thing with us. In November 09, I told him I felt we were on different pages - we'd been talking about a home and starting a family (we have no children), and he changed his mind, which scared me so I began seeking assurance. Nothing really resolved, but tension between us for several months until early January he again dropped the bomb. Said it would be better for both of us in the long run, he'd lost faith in our relationship, that he just didn't have it in him to fight for us anymore. I have owned up to my responsibilities in getting us here, I have been critical and acted resentfully and made him feel like nothing he ever did was good enough. I have apologized and asked for a chance to make the same changes he wanted to make in himself last year. I am sorry, he is sorry. We are both heartbroken. He still insists this is the only option. He has not moved out yet but plans to look at apartments this weekend. He also just got a new job an hour away that he starts a week from Monday. I am (as everyone else here seems to be) completely devastated. We have had our problems and our ups and downs and sometimes it's a roller coaster ride, but I have never questioned our commitment to each other, nor have I ever doubted that we weren't right for one another.

I have read, researched, made changes, kept my calm, said all the right things, talked to a coach, prayed and prayed and prayed again...and I still feel so hopeless. How do you keep the hope going when the most important thing in your life is heading out the door? He says we should split now before we have kids because he doesn't want to battle over custody later...but there has been no infidelity. No lying, no sneaking around. No lack of intimacy, no weeks without speaking, no days without doing things together. He is my best friend and I don't know how to keep up with hoping that my DB steps are going to work when he keeps saying he's done.

[happywithchange]

I'm not sure how you are DB'ing when you are so in contact with him. Disappear from him. Focus on yourself in the meantime. I'm not sure what's wrong with you but whatever it is, it's what wasn't working. Time to do the opposite. You say you are hopeless. Hope will only come when you come to the realization that you can live without him. I was hopeless and felt tremendous despair. Then while I was working out one day one of the divorced mom's in town flirted with me. I have known this woman for 5 years because our boys are good friends and she never gave me a second thought. But while I was walking around the gym positive and full of life, practically glowing (while at home my wife sat, not loving me, and dreaming of her fantasy life without me), this woman walked up to me gave me a pretty extended hug (she had never hugged me before) and then talked to me for 15 minutes. That was when I realized that no matter what I will be ok as long as I continue with the new me. The "positive confident upbeat and happy to be alive" me. And I went home and told my wife that I will be ok no matter what. She was baffled and said I know you will. And I said "What you think doesn't matter, *I KNOW* I will. And that's when I offered to start looking for apts for her. Not what I wanted obviously, but I did it anyway. And it helped tremendously in changing her view of me. I wouldnt have gotten to that point if I hadn't truly tried to make permanent positive changes in my life. MY wife doesn't say she loves me yet, and wont for a long time, but she's still here. And if she leaves, I know that I will be just fine! Sure it will hurt, but I have been hurt before and survived.

[Onthemountaintop]

Diagnosed with adult ADHD, attended counseling on his own and eventually the 2 of us together.

You or him? If it is him, I can relate...having attention problems means that many things that need attention, including sex, can be missing something unintentionally while still making him/you happy or satisfied (otherwise known as unaware...or oblivious!)

Things got back to good and I learned to heal the hurt he'd caused. Time passed, I pursued him, seeking assurance of his love, he withdrew. This is a recurring thing with us. In November 09, I told him I felt we were on different pages - we'd been talking about a home and starting a family (we have no children), and he changed his mind, which scared me so I began seeking assurance.

I read a book by Patricia Love ("How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"). If he is the ADHD person, you might be feeling insecure by accident and he might not be able to see why. I don't blame him for not wanting kids with a rocky M. Would you want to be pregnant while he/you come to deal with ADHD, possibly meds, and more?

He has not moved out yet but plans to look at apartments this weekend. He also just got a new job an hour away that he starts a week from Monday.

Maybe you could let him know you want to move with him if he wants you too. The worst thing my W did was making me feel that the damage was done and that she didn't see hope in the M. After that, separation became easy.

I have read, researched, made changes, kept my calm, said all the right things, talked to a coach, prayed and prayed and prayed again...and I still feel so hopeless.

In another book, I was reminded to pray, but not to blame God for our personal mistakes. You mentioned being critical. Try being supportive. He doesn't want kids yet, let him know you'll wait one/two/three years before rediscussing it. If he is the one with ADHD, he needs a wife that can help him become better by filling in the gaps in his life where he struggles, not by telling him to be better (if you do this.

I know you feel you said all the right things and you may have. But isn't how we react/respond/interpret part of communication?

No lying, no sneaking around. No lack of intimacy, no weeks without speaking, no days without doing things together. He is my best friend and I don't know how to keep up with hoping that my DB steps are going to work when he keeps saying he's done.

Let him know what you are sure of. It is hard to make a decision, D can almost be running away from a decision making it an easy choice. Maybe there is something else bothering him but he's afraid to say it.

I hope I don't sound too much like I'm defending him - you seem very hurt and have the right to be feeling that way. I know what my W did/has been doing that didn't help and I want to encourage you to re-evaluate what messages you might be sending today.

'God's luck' helping you being patient...

[trytryagain]

Diagnosed with adult ADHD, attended counseling on his own and eventually the 2 of us together.

You or him? If it is him, I can relate...having attention problems means that many things that need attention, including sex, can be missing something unintentionally while still making him/you happy or satisfied (otherwise known as unaware...or oblivious!)

he was diagnosed with ADHD. he does constantly crave social interaction and other types of stimulation, but even leading up to him wanting to separate, sex has never been a problem. in fact, i usually want it more than he does.

Things got back to good and I learned to heal the hurt he'd caused. Time passed, I pursued him, seeking assurance of his love, he withdrew. This is a recurring thing with us. In November 09, I told him I felt we were on different pages - we'd been talking about a home and starting a family (we have no children), and he changed his mind, which scared me so I began seeking assurance.

I read a book by Patricia Love ("How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"). If he is the ADHD person, you might be feeling insecure by accident and he might not be able to see why. I don't blame him for not wanting kids with a rocky M. Would you want to be pregnant while he/you come to deal with ADHD, possibly meds, and more?
i did pick up that book and read it front to back in one night. it's made me see things from an entirely new perspective. but i often am guilty of forgetting that his brain doesn't function the same way mind does. and we both talked about a family, up until about november, when he suddenly changed his mind. even if he came back tomorrow, no way would i think about kids for at least a few years.

He has not moved out yet but plans to look at apartments this weekend. He also just got a new job an hour away that he starts a week from Monday.

Maybe you could let him know you want to move with him if he wants you too. The worst thing my W did was making me feel that the damage was done and that she didn't see hope in the M. After that, separation became easy.

he put a deposit on a place yesterday. he has made it clear he does not want me to move with him. he has also made me feel that the damage is done and he saw no hope in us. he actually told me he'd lost faith in our marriage.

I have read, researched, made changes, kept my calm, said all the right things, talked to a coach, prayed and prayed and prayed again...and I still feel so hopeless.

In another book, I was reminded to pray, but not to blame God for our personal mistakes. You mentioned being critical. Try being supportive. He doesn't want kids yet, let him know you'll wait one/two/three years before rediscussing it. If he is the one with ADHD, he needs a wife that can help him become better by filling in the gaps in his life where he struggles, not by telling him to be better (if you do this.
i don't blame god at all...i just feel like my prayers aren't being heard. i have been critical, and have done a 180. he just got a new job last week. i was nothing but supportive and excited. he leaves the house and doesn't tell me where he's going i tell him to have a nice time and don't ask another question. but i've told him already that i'm willing to wait 3-5 years on kids. i'm just worried about my ability to conceive and i'd be 35 by then and fear it may take me 5 years of trying (it took my mother 8).

I know you feel you said all the right things and you may have. But isn't how we react/respond/interpret part of communication?
good point. i guess i just mean i feel like i'm following the steps and the advice of my coach pretty closely.

No lying, no sneaking around. No lack of intimacy, no weeks without speaking, no days without doing things together. He is my best friend and I don't know how to keep up with hoping that my DB steps are going to work when he keeps saying he's done.

Let him know what you are sure of. It is hard to make a decision, D can almost be running away from a decision making it an easy choice. Maybe there is something else bothering him but he's afraid to say it.
it's sort of his M.O. to run away from decisions...that's more or less why we've broken up multiple times, including once after marriage. he says this isn't an impulse decision, but i don't buy that he honestly thinks D is easier than working on our M.

I hope I don't sound too much like I'm defending him - you seem very hurt and have the right to be feeling that way. I know what my W did/has been doing that didn't help and I want to encourage you to re-evaluate what messages you might be sending today.
no worries. after all, you're only hearing my side of the story, right?

'God's luck' helping you being patient...

[trytryagain]

has anyone else experienced a rocky start to their M? as i said, this is the 2nd time in 2 years my H has wanted to separate, and we broke up 2 times before getting married. in his eyes, that means we just aren't meant to be together.

does a rough start necessarily mean a rough finish? i want to get to stage 4 of the marriage map, but my H has said he does not want to work on this anymore. when i say rough, i mean we have had lots of ups and great times together, but he says it should be "easier" for us to solve conflict without the breakups...

thoughts?

[trytryagain]

ps i mean i want to get to stage 4 someday...i know those are the best years of marriage and are generally reserved for those who have put their time into really making their marriage work.

[trytryagain]

ps again, i have NEVER initiated a breakup, i may raise questions about where we are in our M, but i've never suggested separation or D, just thought we had some things to work on (like any normal M does)...

i know in the past he's acted impulsively and broken up with me totally out of the blue (including 9 months into our marriage), but he says this is not an impulse and that he's been thinking about this for at least 2 months now.

[trytryagain]

also, has anyone tried a divorce support group? i found one via meetup.com and have a meeting next tuesday. the meeting is facilitated by a family lawyer who offers legal advice during the meetings, and of course is attended by people either considering D, going through a D, or recovering from D.

ugh...why am i putting in all this work when my WAH just gets to walk away? kinda frustrating to have to do all the work with the other person just wants to quit.

[CityGirl]

I belong to an "in person" divorce support group and I really like it very much. My C suggested it to me. The people are great and I am not sure I would have survived without it.

Why not give it a try? If nothing else it might help you and at this point that is the most important thing!

[trytryagain]

thanks, CG. i've actually been to this group once before when my H wanted to separate back in Sept. 2008. i met a really nice girl there who was going through the EXACT same thing i was, so it was nice to connect with someone in person. it was also nice to hear that other people had it way worse than me - i don't mean that in a nasty way, but it did make me grateful that i wasn't going through what some of the others there were - like the poor woman who's ex had taken their children to another state and because of D laws she had been unable to get them back or see them in months!

on another note, i'm keeping up with my GAL-ing...but i will admit i've been checking my phone and my email inbox at least every hour. just hoping. i know i'm being pathetic but i MISS HIM SO MUCH.