I am so sorry that W has made these statements. Personally, I would say to tread lightly here. DO NOT TELL her that you are going to see a L. Begin to write down the things you do with the kids. DO NOT speak to the kids about this. This is really between you and her. In my sitch I just found out this morning that W is NOT willing to give me the kids 50% of the time - so I will need to fight this.
Your W may have made these statement because she is hurt and scared. As hard as that is to believe right now, she really is scared and hurt. She probably refuses to face her own issues and uses the comfort of OM to do this so you need to understand that you are NOT to blame for all of this. Do you have some fault or role in this - YES. It does take two to tango.
As for the kids, I would set up a consulation with an L to find out what YOU need to do to position yourself to have 50/50 with the kids. You may not need to file, you may not need to do anything but I do suggest that you find out what your rights are. Pay close attention to what the L tells you.
As hard as this is...as hard as it will be speaking to an L - you are still in control of YOU. You still decide what is right for YOU and your kids. No one here can tell what the right answer is - only you what you need to do. As I said earlier just make sure that you do not have regrets. I believe that you will do what is right.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, Thank you for helping me not make mistakes and guiding me in this difficult time. A chapter in my life is at a close and I know that as hard as it will be to start writing a new one it will be for the better. I know that my children will know someday that I fought for something that was worth while. I don't know what the future holds for my w and I but I do know that letting her go completely is the right thing to do. She is in a place that I'm not welcome any more. I will grow from this and if I ever meet another I will be damn sure I do not repeat the mistakes I made. I will not compromise myself to make another happy. The sad thing is that my daughter and my son will not get to have the same experiances that I had growing up. I wish that my w was thinking of things like this but I know she cannot or will not.(mind reading I know)
Regrets regrets regrets, something that I do more than I like to admit. Praying to God asking him to let me just step back a few months or years to fix this, wow how I do not want to live like this any more. I think this is why Bruce Almighty is one of my favorite movies. Here is a man that has it great that if he just stop wanting and realized that he has all that he needs he would be happy. I'm Bruce, I would want and want, and never be truly thankful for what God blessed me with. Am I being punished? No I don't think so because we all have free will. She chose her path, I'm going to start my own, one that isn't nicely lit and easy. I'm going to start living for today. I will not regret that I didn't do today what I could have done yesterday. I will just do. How stupid I have been but my eyes are opened. I lost something I treasured beyond compair and the sad thing is she doesn't know how much I do love her. My heart isn't closed off to her, i dont think that I am capable of doing so. I just cant continue being married to someone that only has her interest at heart. I cannot fight for it any more.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
A chapter in my life is at a close and I know that as hard as it will be to start writing a new one it will be for the better.
It is only CLOSED when YOU DECIDE to close it.
Quote:
I know that my children will know someday that I fought for something that was worth while.
Yes they will and you will be able to stand as a MAN who did what was right!
You sound good man. Keep it up!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I had a...decent weekend. Took the kids to see a movie on friday, spent the entire day with them. Went to a family's house for a birthday and had a blast. Aside from the fact that stbxw called and tried to make me feel guilty for not going to the emergency room with her. Though she procrastinated for four days about going. I don't know, I had a good weekend.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Found out that she has an infection that has spread to her kedneys. Pretty much just makes me see that she isn't taking care of herself at all. It kills me because I want to help her and I want to be there for her, but it will result in nothing. I'll help her she will reap the benefits of me doing so and she'll still move on. I'll just be left feeling like I did all this for nothing.
Talking to my brother yesterday, and he said that he knows that I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. That I want someone in my life that I can care for, and then said that I need to learn to live without it. Which is what I am doing. It is just hard. The feeling of loneliness is at times overwhelming. I guess this is where I need to GAL. I just need to do things without expecting another to be there.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Ouch. Sounds like a fair dose of passive-aggressiveness there hey? (for putting off going to the doctor then laying a guilt trip on your for not going to ER with her). That's a tough personality type to have to work around. I'm glad you didn't get sucked into the pattern, that's important for your boundaries and to protect your sense of self (believe me I've been there). And managed to have a good weekend with your kids - that's great to hear - and great for your kids too.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely right now. Yes I think GAL will be really important. Do you have some activities you enjoy doing? I made a list of mine when I needed it, so I remembered to schedule time in for them through the week.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Ouch. Sounds like a fair dose of passive-aggressiveness there hey? (for putting off going to the doctor then laying a guilt trip on your for not going to ER with her). That's a tough personality type to have to work around. I'm glad you didn't get sucked into the pattern, that's important for your boundaries and to protect your sense of self (believe me I've been there). And managed to have a good weekend with your kids - that's great to hear - and great for your kids too.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely right now. Yes I think GAL will be really important. Do you have some activities you enjoy doing? I made a list of mine when I needed it, so I remembered to schedule time in for them through the week.
Yeah it all felt pretty crappy, luckily i was surrounded by family and friends and when I left to blow off steam they didn't let me get to far, didn't let me be upset and pretty much made me realize that I shouldn't have to deal with it.
She also took my kids up to the mountians with OM2, called me on his phone and then expected me to wait for her to get home around 4 or 5. So I text her telling her that I wouldn't be there hoping that since it was mothers day she would maybe spend more than 3 hours with them on the weekend. No, no I was wrong. She got upset with me because I wasn't there, then dropped my kids off at my parents lying to them telling them that she was going to the hospital. She calls me tells me that she dropped them off and I hear someone in the back ground ask what time they are going to see a movie. I was like WOW really. Anyways I didn't let it bother me, I just let it go and went and picked my kids up, read them a story and sang a song to them.
I do have activities, honestly PG I just need to get over feeling sorry for myself and get motivated. I went through a funk and I'm just seeing that wanting and wanting and wanting is doing me no good. That I have what I need and should just be happy for it. I have goals I just need to do it. I need to write them down.
Anywho, I'm doing good today. Not feeling sorry for myself. Strength...
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
How is it my W can justify her actions? I don't understand it. I'm bloody confused as to how someone can treat another like she treats me. Expecting everything and yet returning nothing. Does it matter? Does any of this really matter? If someone can state with out a waiver in their voice and look me in the eye and tell me that someone else is taking better care of them what do I do? I have no desire to suffer any more. Honestly it isn't me that is suffering it is my children. Can one be so blind and bound to themselves that they don't see it. I'm tired of hearing "their children they'll bounce back" I don't care they shouldn't have to go through it at all.
W came over late last night and ended up crashing at the house. Said that she wasn't feeling good because of her kedney infection so she didn't want to have to wake up at 4 am to come to my house. So my kids think that since mommy is at the house that they can get away with not going to sleep and they keep crying. Well I stick to my guns and just keep sending them back to bed and making sure they stay in bed. I dont get upset I just stay adament about them keeping to their routine. Well W gets defensive and says that I don't have to be so 'angry' that since I(w) haven't been here that is why the kids are acting out. Well I say that just because you stay here one night doesn't mean that they should have their routine screwed up, that I have been doing it alone for four months and that they are going to sleep in their own beds and they will sleep. She goes on the defensive and says that I'm making her feel bad and that she is their mother and that I shouldn't make her feel that way. Well I stopped her there and told her that I'm not making her feel any way that if she feels bad or upset it is because of her not me. That I am just doing what I have been doing and it isn't going stop.
So I get little to no fricken sleep last night because she comes into my room and honestly I should have just told her not to. Every conversation we had last night went no where. She is moving out of her friends apartment some time soon and moving into another friends. Though I honestly think she is going to move in with OM.
I'm still being manipulated and controlled by what she does and says. Sad thing is she knows it. It is really hard to detach from someone that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Wildaces, I just read your post and couldn't help but comment. No, children do not bounce back from divorce so well. It leaves scars for the rest of their lives. That's just something WAS tell themselves to try and relieve their guilt or to justify what they have done. Except in cases of abuse children do not fare better in broken homes. Not only have I read this, I see it every day when I go to work at school.
Your W sounds like she is experiencing a lot of guilt. Let her spew roll off your back. Giving your children a set routine and sticking to it gives them security and at least one parent they can trust. You sound like you're doing a great job in a difficult situation.
Take care of yourself, too. Detach further, you can't reason with your W at this time so don't even try. Validate where you can and let the rest go.
You have far more control over the sitch than you realize and I know that's hard to see when you're right in the middle of it.
seeking, I totally agree with you that my w is experiencing a lot of guilt. I don't let it bother me when she gets angry and pretty much I just roll with the punches, the only punch I cannot roll with is her taking the kids from me.
It really doesn't seem like I have any control most of the time. I just really do what I feel is right. Which is protecting my kids.
Wife admitted that this was all her fault last night, don't really know if she was trying to pull me into something but I told her that this situation was caused by both of us. She then goes on to say that she is the one that will be at fault because she walked away. I didn't really know how to validate what she was saying. I told her that we have/had our faults and that if she had just been honest and open with me I would have made the changes. It really pisses me off when someone says people don't change.
Anywhoo, I found out about a new job, which will give me just over a 6 dollar pay raise. So I'm going to be going out there to apply today.
Keep your heads up people, thanks for everything.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
