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Therapists can be very destructive to marriages. That's why Michele wrote this article, Choosing a Marital Therapist. I will post it here to give you all a heads up and some tips if you do decide to seek help. If, after reading this, you still don't feel comfortable, we highly suggest you speak to a Divore Busting coach. The DB coaches totally believe in the sanctity of marriage, and are highly skilled at helping you get your marriage back on track. 303-444-7004

However, if you're certain that you want to go the therapist
route, read this.

Choosing a Marital Therapist
by Michele Weiner-Davis

It amazes me that most people decide to end their marriages without seeking professional help. The decision of whether to divorce or not is probably the most important decision anyone will ever make. Yet, the facts remains that only a minority of people in the throes of marital problems consult marriage therapists.

Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That’s why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.
*Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting in the office. This definition of couples therapy is ludicrous. You can’t identify the type of therapy that is taking place by doing a head count. Marital therapy requires very different skills from doing individual therapy. Individual therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They assist them in achieving personal goals.

Couples therapists, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need to know what makes marriages tick. A therapist can be very skilled as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples change. For this reason, don’t be shy. Ask your therapist about his or her training and experience.

*Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask him or her to give you a ballpark figure about the percentage of couples he or she works with who leave with their marriages intact and are happier as a result of therapy. Although your therapist is unlikely to have a specific answer to that question, his or her reaction will speak volumes. You should end up feeling confident that your therapist’s primary goal is to help you work out your problems so that you can remain together.

*You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist- that he or she understands your perspective and feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that’s not acceptable. No one should feel ganged up on. Good marriage therapists understand both sides of the story and help couples negotiate solutions. If you aren’t comfortable with something your therapist is suggesting- like setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage- say so. If your therapist honors your feedback, that’s a good sign. If not, leave.

*The therapist’s own values about relationships definitely plays a part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist.

Also, although some people think that their therapists are able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on his or her marriage, therapists really don’t have this sort of knowledge. If they say things like, “It seems that you are incompatible,” or “Why are you willing to put up with this,?” or “It is time to move on with your life,” they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an unethical act, in my opinion.

*Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on. If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them. If you don’t begin to see some progress or start to feel somewhat better within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.

*It’s my belief that couples in crisis don’t have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation. If he or she isn’t willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will.

*Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don’t let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.

*Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it. If he or she isn’t, you’ll know that too. Don’t stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who will help you swim.

*Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth. Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It increases the odds you’ll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.

So don’t give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the judge. There’s a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find simple solutions to life’s complicated problems. Happy divorce busting!

2010 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis MSW. All rights reserved.


Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center

Transform your marriage with a private 2-day intensive with Michele Weiner-Davis. http://www.themarriageintensive.com
Email michele@divorcebusting.com
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Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center

Transform your marriage with a private 2-day intensive with Michele Weiner-Davis. http://www.themarriageintensive.com
Email michele@divorcebusting.com
Joined: Nov 2009
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I think that is a great article. If you are paying good money, you might as well get good service and what you need.

May I ask a few questions. I found a good therapist and they helped restory my marriage along with things I learned on this website and in reading the MWD SSM book and other books.

So while I don't need a therapist, I was wondering if you could comment on some of the styles of therapy and some catagories.

Specifically, Emotionally Focused therapy versus Gottman trained therapists versus other styles....and when a board certified sex therapist as opposed to a marriage councelor/therapist might bring the best results? I think that some couples may benefit more with certain approaches as opposed to a one-size-fits-all. I also understand that personal chemistry and confidence is important.

Again, I no longer need a therapist, but thought that others might benefit from an expansion of information in the article.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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