H was in contact over some videos of the kids that he was organising to be copied. Said he wanted to be friends. I said, "Do you mean friends or do you mean civil." He replied, "Hopefully friends" I asked what friends looked like but he couldn't articulate. Not good enough for me!
All through our M H seemed to choose work over the kids and I. He worked every weekend and holidays were about me taking the kids somewhere and H joining us for 2-3 days. He didn't really have to work but he 'had to' because he needed to stay in control. There were very few outings except to dinner as a family.
I hope this is taken in the manner it's meant as I have caught up on your thread in the last few days.
I can relate to your H because that is exactly what I did during the M (and my W did to the same extent). Since splitting I have had nights out, concerts etc. just like your H. And just like you and your H, me and W only ever really went out for family dinners and little else.
However, my reason for doing this is because prior to the separation I decided to stop work at 6pm or when my W came home from her work (I work from home). I noticed that a problem for us was the amount of time we both worked. I regulated my time. W didn't (although it was more difficult for her).
Since splitting I have realised that I should work to live and not live to work. My priorities have shifted and I hope stay that way, however I'm wondering if maybe your H is the same?
The difference between me and your H is I didn't leave, I have no OW. I know the thread has moved on slightly but as I said, I thought I'd throw it out there, feel free to shoot it down.
Last edited by P17; 12/30/0901:29 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Thanks for your wisdom. I agree with you. H worked incredibly hard and so did I. I was aware of my commitments to the family and regulated my hours and this, too was easier for me than him. My LL is Quality Time so that made it even more difficult for me to accept his non attendance at events and his lack of involvement.
H has said, like you, that he now realises that life is too short and is making the most of things. While I appreciate his personal growth it doesn't change the pain I feel when I know he is doing all the things I wish he'd shared with me. In fact, the outings and holidays are remarkably similar to those we would have chosen as a couple. OW is ten years younger and so I wonder at some of the music choices in her eyes. I am still certain the holidays and outings are all driven by him and she goes along for the ride.
It was really helpful to read your experience and I thank you for sharing.
Have to say I told H that if he insisted on us being divorced that I couldnt be friends. How can you be friends with someone you love/loved. Well I know I couldnt have been so yes it would just have to have been civil as thats all I could do without breaking my heart!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Rabbit, you're right but it's a non-event anyway because what H says and does are two different things.
H said I was too impatient and I should just let things unfold naturally. Well I think that's what I have been doing as I haven't made contact at all, not even for Christmas. I will resume my nc and see what happens.
I am feeling your thoughts and just wanted to tell you so....
I have been following along with your holidays, posting for me is once again painful.....I can't quite figure out why I go MIA so often. All I know is the subject matter is way to close to my heart and sitch and it's very painful for me to read so many like stories.....I hurt for us all.
I know you are a very strong-willed and wonderful person, you will be fine with your choices. It doesn't make them easier to follow....times will continue to be confusing and unjust to us, at least for a while longer.
I am thinking that if H and I follow through with a D, "civil" will be a possibility, while hopefully contact will be minimal. "Friends" = Impossible, for me it will be too painful to be a friend with what has happened between us and the fact I have no respect for his choices.
IMO for our H's wanting to be our friends (after D) will validate their choice and they won't deserve that gift from us.
Rabbit, It would break my heart too and I would never heal, rather remain in this state of want, wanting what would apparently be unattainable and delusional.
I still feel it is a shame for two people to D who have so very much in common and a mutual likeness for each other which is undeniable. A likeness which could very easily become a deep love for one another once again.....It takes two however to want the same things.
I have to stop rambling.....
Let's reach for Happiness in 2010!!!!
(((((Hugs))))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
As you know, I struggle with the friends thing too. I had to roll my eyes when your h said about you being impatient. Was that recently or a while ago? Wow, if you were impatient I would be really interested to hear his definition of patience - 1 year, 5 years to be friends. Sorry, perhaps that isn't helpful.
My h became job obsessed and is again with his new job. I wish more people would realise that work/ life balance. I read somewhere that if you were on your deathbed it is unlikely that your last thought would be 'I am so glad that I did all those extra hours in the office'. Imo that puts it in perspective, but I wouldn't point it out to h lol!
Happy New Year, as you said to me make this year about you.
No friends can't work. I feel I am just being used for my forgiving nature. Yes, Julia that patience comment was just the other day. It's just an excuse used to keep me close at hand. No!Can't do it anymore. Tonight S came home with some marinated cheese for me from H. Not sure what that was about and don't care either.
Yes, Julia 2010 is it! So far I have organised a trip to Melbourne, to Sydney for a weekend to see Wicked, a week in Phuket in June and one semi organised to Cebu July/Aug. It's all about me!! H has Fiji with ow, the classy one who whistles her children home for dinner. Just thinking that makes me feel better already!!
Talk about GAL then! Phuket in June ... that's gonna be fun, how I miss those days when I would visit 3 -6 times a year .
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
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