Me too. And it's disturbing how much of that I have internalized. I want to move forward on taking responsibility for my issues (which are there) and rejecting what has been projected onto me.

I like your goal of limiting the amount of time that you spend thinking about that <thumbs up>

Might be doing one brief family related thing with H in the coming few weeks. He sounded iffy but possible about it. We'll see if it happens or not. I have no expectations either way because I really would not be surprised if he cancelled at last minute. They all like me, but he has basically banned me from being around his family since this all started.

Doing a family activity would be kind of a big thing, wouldn't it? My H feels uncomfortable with me even phoning his MIL, even though she lives super far away and we don't discuss him. Do you think that it would be connecting to spend time with his family, with him? I find that family can bring up a lot of tensions, even though H and I like and get along with our ILs for the most part.

Giving it less real estate in your head is essential. Good for you! I can't tell you how I let my H move in 50% or more time in my brain! I seriously believe you can't listen to that blame stuff. It's not true, and it's really hard to hear what is the real issue when he's venting like that.

FM Said: Doing a family activity would be kind of a big thing, wouldn't it? My H feels uncomfortable with me even phoning his MIL, even though she lives super far away and we don't discuss him. Do you think that it would be connecting to spend time with his family, with him? I find that family can bring up a lot of tensions, even though H and I like and get along with our ILs for the most part.


I think it shouldn't be a big thing, but I think to him it is and has been. Otherwise I would not be banned. So that's why I think he may cancel and was surprised to hear he might be open to it. It's not parents. It's more distant relatives. Maybe that is why he is open to it. Or maybe it's not going to happen. Very few people know about our separation now as we live a long distance from our families. It has not been announced to all family or many friends. We are kind of waiting on a final decision for privacy and other reasons. It's complicated.

Yes, that 50% or more mark of brain real estate is what I"m worried about! That's another reason why I think I'll set a time limit on staying open to working on my M, unfortunately. I admire people who have been doing this for three years, but I do not think it would be healthy for me personally to be one of them.

My W's family is far away, so she's always gotten the daughter treatment from my parents. So...when any R problems came up for us, it was tough because my parents where involved from both sides but they were only hearing from us one at a time on the phone. It made it very complicated.

It also made the impact of a D more real for all of us. I'm not sure if anyone should ever be 'banned' - that sounds really controlling, but I understand that he might want to have his family supporting and understanding him and his perspective without hearing a different message from you.

It's great to see that you are ready for anything. Cool & calm gets everyone through tough situations and allows the brain to see possibility. Enjoy it~

OTM: I think he is embarrassed and ashamed and is worried that I will tell them what is happening. I think if we move to final D he wants to tell them we both agreed to it or tell them something negative about me. Neither of those things are the whole story. It's awkward, but I don't know that it matters in the long run anyway. It's also odd because mental health is somewhat involved, and everyone IS entitled to their own medical privacy... even with their families if they want it that way. I don't want to increase his stress in any way. And yes, no one should be banned, but I am. And he won't see my family anymore either even though they want to see him and still love him a lot. It's very sad.

It's interesting that you said talking to your parents made the impact of D more real for your family.

Ya, my mom at first said "cut your losses". Later, when she realized her grandkids were going and that my W wanted to make things work in her own odd way, mom changed her tune. That added some stress and pressure.

I know that mental health problems aren't the kind any man wants talked about. It leads to a lot of fears. Isolation makes a D easier for now for him; I doubt he'll be happy.

My W refuses to tell her mom (her dad died last year) because she thinks it would hurt her. I KNOW she'd benefit from her moms point of view, and from being able to cry it out with her. Still, she refuses. It sounds like you are saying your H doesn't want to discuss this with any family, so I hope he'll find a way to get C help. I wonder if he doesn't want to see your family because he expects they're biased. Either way, that isn't so much your problem, is it?

OTM:
My W refuses to tell her mom (her dad died last year) because she thinks it would hurt her. I KNOW she'd benefit from her moms point of view, and from being able to cry it out with her. Still, she refuses.


Your W may not want to be judged by her mother and may not think her mother would be helpful, and she may be right. Sounds like your wife needs some reasonable female friends or a C to talk to. If she had that, I bet it would improve her mood and outlook and your relationship. It's a lot of pressure to deal with marriage stress and children, as you well know. And you are getting a lot of support here and perhaps also with your mother. Help her find someone to talk to and you are helping yourself.