Thanks everyone for listing and replying, this board really helps. I have been reading through other posts and can't believe how similar a lot of the situations are to mine. I have ordered the DB book and am looking forward to reading it. I have read about 180's and other things to do to change and freely admit there are things I need to change for myself that would make me a better person which is good for all involved. I guess my next question would be: What next? I am working on getting a telephone coaching session that I can pay for without W finding out. I could really use some more suggestions to move forward. Sandy and Puppy have some really good advice. I know to expect my W to get mad at times. I have stopped giving her a kiss goodnight and goodbye and told her why do it if it didn't mean anything to her. Went to super bowl party without her and she offered to make a snack tray for me to take to friends house, which she did and I told her thanks. I don't want to give an ultimatum and have read about boundaries. Is it time for something like this or too early or too late? I know I am guilty of thinking now that I GET IT, she should see it and try harder too. I need to be patient.
I know every sitch is different, but it seems like maybe they're not. I would appreciate that little push in the right direction. Thanks again, this place is a blessing!
Sorry, I'm not familiar w/ your sitch, baut I can say that even though all R's are diff- the commonalities are there in how to address the issues and the basic themes of each R/M failure or breakdown.
What boundaries would you set? What are the things that she is currently doing that you feel are disrespectful, or harmful, that you cannot continue to abide?
Just a hint on this:
Quote:
I have stopped giving her a kiss goodnight and goodbye and told her why do it if it didn't mean anything to her.
That's the wrong answer, and the wrong reason. Your reasons for doing things should be a combination of:
1) What is working?
2) What is The Right Thing to Do?"
3) What do YOU need, in order to heal/be happier/be healthier?
4) What things would represent a "180" for you? (be dramatically different from how you did things in the past)
Your answer is all about you looking for some REACTION out of her. That's "co-dependency" thinking, and to be honest, the rest of your post makes me think you do have co-dependency issues. I'm not sure if she even asked you why you stopped kissing her (did she?), but a better answer would have been:
A: "Considering where our relationship is at right now, I just have a lot of thinking to do. For right now, it just doesn't feel authentic (or "right") to me right now."
Puppy, I guess you're right. I never considered it co-dependant but I guess that's exactly what I am. In trying to make some changes in myself, I look for the reaction from her and get aggrivated when things are going good then when they turn sour, I feel as if I haven't acclompished anything and I have to start all over. The kissing thing came up Fri night after being an a$$ all night long, not talking, being snotty with me and kids when she did say something. She got ready for bed and came in kitchen where I was and said she was tired and going to bed, went to give me a kiss and I said no. Don't remember my exact words, but close to what I said earlier. Just trying to stand up for myself. It seems the kisses don't mean anything to her, just a way to keep me under her thumb and hoping. I really appreciate hearing from you again, Puppy, you have made me see things about my self that I have not seen. Need some ideas how to move forward. Do I not worry about her reaction as long as I am changing for the better? How do I keep things going good when they are and not let things slip back to how they were? Gardener-I am new and don't understand fully how this all works. My story is under( waw mood swings. )Thanks for any input. I have read some of your posts and welcome your advice.
How do I keep things going good when they are and not let things slip back to how they were?
For the time-being (and I wish everyone would try to work at this), try to be more even-keeled and consistent in your demeanor toward her. Maybe it's a full moon or something, but there seem to be SO many "passive-aggressive" interactions described on the boards the last week or so! Especially from the men, as they swing wildly from "melty-man"/purusing behavior to snotty controlling dikks, all in a day's work!
Try to portray "confident, upbeat, lovingly distant." Not available as often, but when you do have convos, be charming and empathetic. Just get in that MIDDLE FLOW.
Does that make any sense? I'm really not expressing it well . . .
I know I am guilty of thinking now that I GET IT, she should see it and try harder too.
She will not change right now. In fact, she may get really angry that you "finally" get it....but in her mind, it's too little--too late.
You have to make the choice that no matter how she reacts....you are going to do what you know is the right thing to do. That also includes becoming the best man you can become. You don't do it to please her. You aren't suppose to change to make her happy and please her. If that's your goal, then you need to stop right now and take another look and start over. You cannot "make" her happy and I haven't see a woman yet who doesn't think her H needs improving, so forget about pleasing her 100%. Your focus needs to be happy with who you become. (After improving yourself, of course.) When you like yourself and know yor are doing the best you can do, then you'll be more convident and you'll like yourself, and that raises you self-esteem. If you respect yourself, then others will also. Right now, your W doesn't respect you.
It will save you much, much pain if you will stop watching and waiting for her to change. The board isn't about her changing. It is about you changing and doing work. So, the first thing is to get your eyes off of her. Can you do that?
BTW, which thread are you going to use?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She got ready for bed and came in kitchen where I was and said she was tired and going to bed, went to give me a kiss and I said no.
You'll learn more as you go along here. To me, a better way of handling that would have been to just look at her and either turn around to do something else, or even say, "I'll pass". I think she needs to get the message that she is not conducting herself in an attractive manner and therefore you do not have any desire to kiss her. If she knows that you are not attracted to her, that will (or should) make an impression on her. I'm sure she didn't flinch at your rejections b/c she'll have you melting again when you are wanting to have sex. Will you be able to stand up to her then?
Staying balanced is important. Not backing down is important too (if you know you are right). So, as MWD says in her DR book, know what you really want. Don't refuse to kiss her and tell her "no" today and then give in for sex by night time. See what I mean? So, know what your goals are and have a plan as to how to reach those goals.
You can't learn everything in a couple of days, so be careful and don't jump off into something you don't understand and have enough information about.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
