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It is not the loneliness, really. It is the loneliness of being in subtle connection with someone while still being alone. He's got one little nail dug into me that I can't shake off...you know?
I know you know. I guess, in truth, I am not alone here.
It's such a hard thing. O'dog sometimes wishes he could just leave and not have to deal with this again. But with two kids and joint interests it's just not possible. The reminder will always be there.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Yes Thinker, I mis-phrased that. I meant that I am probably as hopeless with regard to our M as H is (if not more).
But, I am in a great mood tonight. Finally gaining some clarity.
H texted me about some psycho bimbo contacting him on FB saying that she told his wife everything...and so on. LOL. I am soooo glad I did nothing last night. H called me and this led to an interesting conversation in which he was extremely apologetic and was surprised I hadn't said anything. I told him that we are separated and if I have an issue, I'll deal with it. I don't want drama. He was really freaked out and kept apologizing and acknowledging that he needs to be more careful and explaining. I kept it light but straight forward. He went on to invite me to a show tonight (4th invitation), I told him again that I didn't know if the timing would work and I am also uncomfortable not knowing what I am walking into. He suggested I meet him for a drink after. I just said I didn't know.
He texted me that he is so sorry that I had to deal with that girl and I didn't deserve that. I haven't answered. I am not going to meet him for a drink. My phone died a bit ago and though I am charging it, I don't want to respond to him...oh, he just called...
Ok. I am a total f*cking idiot (feels that way at least). H wanted to chat tonight (computer)...we were flirting and having a good time. He said something about me coming over and getting a massage and I LOL'd...didn't take any of it seriously but he pursued and eventually, when he said something about how strongly he's feeling, I asked, "what are you feeling?" He answered "Just really feeling like having you here now, can't explain more than that" and when I said if I come over I'm wearing padlocked undies. He said "not about that."
And he asked for the "fun AK who would drive over in the middle of the night"...so I surprised him and drove over.
Long story short, he was quite serious about the massage and he gave me one (with a few boundary violations but I reigned him in) and then I gave him a very neutral back massage and then we laid down and he was caressing me and I put my hand on his chest to reciprocate. And then we started to fall asleep until he went for it. And I kept reiterating that I had limits (blah blah blah) and things progressed and we ended up doing the do (can't say ML) and then in the middle of it, he gets weird and sort of distant and I asked what was wrong and he said "I'm just thinking" in a sort of befuddled tone and I wanted to just die. It was awful and I started to cry (yikes) and he felt like crap and then eventually we pulled it together. After, he showered and then I did and when I got into bed, there was a flippin pillow between H and my spot. I laid down and he started talking about business and mundane things and I just couldn't take how lonely I felt. I got up and said I was leaving. And when he asked why, I lost my sh*t. I told him that you don't seduce someone and then decide it is "weird" midway through. He said he didn't think that we'd have sex...and I said that he straight out seduced me, he had no thought that we might have sex??? He said he thought we'd "mess around"...is this f*cking high school? I went off...so a BJ isn't sex? But intercourse is a huge issue? I told him that I think that he wants everything. That it was just a conquest because I haven't been giving him attention. That once he was in, he was satiated. That a one night stand would get treated better. That I felt like a two dollar whore. I don't think I skipped anything. I told him I feel like he wants me to be his friend (he nodded yes) and be here for him and raise his kids with him and know that I'm not f*cking someone else.
What a nightmare. I stepped right into it. He got me with the "fun AK" comment. Me, I'm fun, I can be fun...
He called me as I was driving home (4 am) and he kept saying he didn't mean for that to happen. I said, if this is how you operate you are going to end up with your d*ck accidentally in a lot of people. Finally we agreed to forget it happened.
So, I'm disgusted. I shouldn't have gone over there. I should have stuck to doing my own thing and I feel like utter sh*t right now. Plus, I have to get up in two hours to pick up my kids and take them to school. I scr*wed myself. Aaargh.
Loc: Coastal City
Okay, slow down keemosabe. You made a call, turns out not to have been a good call, but you made it.
Alert the media: Humans are fallible.
Lesson-learned; now you know: There's a line you can't safely cross. "It" isn't there, whatever the "it" is that was required in that situation.
I agree with the implication of your assessment "it was just a conquest because I haven't been giving him attention" -- it's that power-shift thing I'd written about a couple threads ago and am experiencing now. It has to be about Monsoor, so when it wasn't, he had to take action and turn on the Pepe LePew charm; when it was (i.e., when you were "happily" married and (wo)manning the Home Front), he didn't have to lift a finger and could focus on all the other things that had to be all about Le Shmedlap.
So you're a Left-Behind who, in spite of everything, still digs the Wayward. Take a number, right? You know that about yourself now, and you know what it means in terms of all future interactions.
Give yourself two breaks and call someone in the morning.
"I wanted to change the world. But I found the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself." -- Aldous Huxley
I am actually feeling bad that I tore him a new one. He's clueless. Whatever feelings came up for him are as valid as my feelings. I just was doing something I already felt I didn't want to do, so I have to own that...when he got tentative and weird, I felt completely duped but that was from vantage point.
Bottom line is that I need to draw the line where I want it drawn and stop trying to prove something to him.
I'm sorry I went off on you. Your feelings were valid, just the timing was very painful. I suppose you don't always know why you're doing what you're doing or want what you want. I felt like a lamb led to slaughter but I'm not. I'm a big girl.
If you want to talk about it, we can or if you want to put it behind us, I'm ready for that. I just want to acknowledge that I see your side.