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#2112878 - 12/09/10 08:41 PM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: angel61]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 503
Loc: Washington, the State
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
How has this progressed?


What I saw as progress was the success in her GAL efforts and her husband noticing the related changes. I also thought that her husband's feeling guilty and feeling bad about not providing her the kind of love she deserved was potentially a realization of the problem.

I guess my experience is that recognizing that there is a problem is a huge first step (aka progress). Feeling guilty/bad, etc. can be a sign of remorse or wanting to change at some level. While it is not yet to the point of actions that start rebuilding the relationship, they are first steps at least from my perspective.

I might be reading too much into her words, but they seemed to indicate "progress" to me. Not a lot, but my limited experience is that things start painfully slow and then seem to build up pace in coming together.





I do think he is starting to see my GAL efforts. Just yesterday, he asked how I was coping, and how he himself has been feeling guilty, unable to cope and feeling bad that he could not provide me with the kind of love I deserve....

Thats the first time I heard him say that, and not think that all of this is my fault.

Must be doing things right.

[/quote]
_________________________
>40 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2113394 - 12/12/10 04:35 PM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: Young at Heart]
DaddyLongShanks Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 1997
Guilt is a good things in these situations. They normally "block" the guilt and call it "strength".

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#2147576 - 04/16/11 02:42 PM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: robx]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 57
Loc: Switzerland
I identify with you, ssmguy. 30 years married. The sex was never great. There was always a big gap in our levels of desire. But it is a good marriage (no kids). Tried it all. I'm full of compassion and understanding: my wife's had breast cancer, been through therapy and depression. A lot of things on the check-list of potential lowerers of sex-drive.
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

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#2190929 - 10/05/11 05:20 AM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: ssmguy]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 57
Loc: Switzerland
Word for word, my situation too. I feel all the effort comes from me, none at all from the other side. If I had no desire, no sex drive, I'd want to try to find out why, to search for solutions. I think I'd feel that I was missing out on an important part of life and relationships. But she seems happy with the companionship, with living like brother and sister. I'm in total despair.
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

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#2206722 - 12/20/11 03:27 PM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: sbrass]
wstranger Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 1
Originally Posted By: sbrass
I identify with you, ssmguy. 30 years married. The sex was never great. There was always a big gap in our levels of desire. But it is a good marriage (no kids). Tried it all. I'm full of compassion and understanding: my wife's had breast cancer, been through therapy and depression. A lot of things on the check-list of potential lowerers of sex-drive.

30 years , no kids, big gap in our levels of desire – I’m really puzzled how marriage survived for 30 years.

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#2302199 - 11/24/12 05:49 AM Re: 9 Tips for the Spouse with a Higher Sex Drive [Re: wstranger]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 57
Loc: Switzerland
Yes, I'm puzzled too! But I promised to be faithful, and I have been. I promised to try to make it work, to work through difficulties. And there've been many good times.

But I am in total despair. I've followed as best I may all the advice that I've found here, and I see no signs of progress. I have no little glimpse of hope, of light at the end of the tunnel, of some small progress. On her side, there seems to be no desire at all, and no desire for desire. It's hard to feel loved and loveable when there is no desire, and so little awareness of the pain and frustration and anger that this can cause...
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

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