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Thanks Lotus. I firmly believe this is currently about our individual issues more than our relationship. It is scary but worth the risk for us to focus on ourselves rather than diverting to our relationship, DYKWIM? If/When we are two relatively whole sound minded people, I will look into Retrovaille for sure.
Coach, I think I knew when I went to see him with the kids that that would be our last bout of family life together. It was wonderful. But, it was blatantly confusing to my kids and for us...sometimes the limbo implodes itself. I think coming up to the anniversary of our separation and recognizing how little had changed/been dealt with really hit me. And, I also really faced the truth for me which is that I will not be married to a man who has a girlfriend. I cannot date while married. I do not want to share my life with a quarter of a person. It became clear that he was willing to go on like this indefinitely. He told me outright that would be his ideal...and, once it was spoken that he was in love with her, something snapped. And it is not that I believe it, it is just that if he is there emotionally then he needs to go physically. I realize though, that my setting a boundary forced him to make a choice but he hasn't changed. He has no clue what is reasonable to share and expose me to. He is still very much about him in a way that I think is pathological. He is doing and saying a lot of the right things and is going to start therapy. I hope it works. I hope he grows up and finds some self-control and some stability in his life. Ideally it will be together but it is not something I hold tightly to.
Also, it looks like he's hit a bottom and breaking up with his girlfriend and having to make a decision has plunged him into depression and anxiety...I know that on the other side of that can be progress because I've lived it, I hope that works out for him.
I suppose the main factor in my evolution has been committing to a creative outlet for myself. I am inspired. This has really altered my energy and the whole situation. So, I think turning on your own life is the best thing one can do.
If divorce is the path we go down, it will suck. I know that, but now that I've already been dead...I KNOW I'll get through it.
I think you will do fine no matter what your decision.
My bomb anniversary is next month on Feb 14th (thanks for ruining that holiday). I don't care about her or the marriage anymore but I don't look forward to remembering the day and the devastating feelings.
O-Dog, my bomb anniversary wasn't so bad for me, just brought with it a stark realization. For you, that can be a kind of freedom. Even if you're alone this Valentines day, you KNOW things you didn't know a year ago. You are better in so many ways. Celebrate yourself. I know it sounds trite but, clarity is such a gift that so many don't have (especially here in DB land)...your marriage is over, that sucks...what is next for you? I'm not diminishing the pain. Still, I think you are better off than so many who are stuck..
I don't feel ready to go over to piecing...H has dropped GF, has altered plans and involved me and been spending lots of time (while he is briefly in town). He has started IC...no proclamation of wanting to officially get back together but we've had some heated talks about some of the ramifications of him having villainized me with his close friends (creating a real chasm for such a social guy)...and there have been references to his "stupidity" (his word)...
I just don't know how to navigate this. I see a very self-centered admittedly insecure and immature man. But this is the man I married and made my kids with. If we can stay married, that seems to be optimal but it also seems I'm settling for the same sh*t that I was unbearably miserable living with before.
Unconditional love is beautiful in theory but unconditional marriage is really a challenge. I was a "controlling, nagging, difficult" wife before, how do I get reasonable needs and necessities met and dealt with without hitting that nerve with him? (I'm not to keen on wearing the pants anyway)...
I'm really more the WAW at this point than the LBS (except of course that I have now been left twice by him)...but when push comes to shove, it is me who is willing to seal the deal and end this if need be. Oh, Limbo, such a mediocre place to be...no "I love you[s]," no promises of a life spent together no matter what...and frankly I wouldn't believe those words if I heard them unless/until some major work was done on his part.
Yes, I have changed, I have worked on myself, I have carried some major weight with relative grace...so now how does the new me fit with the old he? To be determined...
Yes, how to get equal work and understanding out of both partners....? Chances are good that if you wander around in the dark long enough, you will just get tired and give up. Face it, to get to a hoped for destination, the best way is to use a map. Follow the paths created by the footsteps of those who have gone before. Here's the website, www.helpourmarriage.org.
I've been thinking about Retrovaille...Do you think it matters that he is having significant anxiety and emotional issues that he is just now going to start addressing in therapy (he's had these issues to some extent his whole life). Part of me feels that he needs to figure his own [censored] out. He will be gone for at least a month so we have time in our own corners...
That is a good question. Retrouvaille is very much a meditative and contemplative weekend. There is a lot of self-analysis. Much more, I think, than relationship analysis. Retrouvaille is not a complete solution. It is a turning point. If it works, it gives the spouses motivation to make themselves better and to be nicer to each other. From there they go home and the real work begins. The Post sessions help to keep you directed.
I think it could all dove-tail nicely with IC. For us, Retrouvaille helped to rekindle the spark that made us want to be nice to each other, and to let go of the mountain of hurts that we both were nurturing.
I'm sure different people get different results. And, it is only offered 4 times a year, so chances are good you won't be able to schedule it right away.