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RedSoxFan #1862350 10/26/09 06:11 PM
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Wouldn't know what was gained or lost until after the fact.

Best case, I get the experience of being on an island with my kids and writing, reconnecting with H in a low stress environment...

What I likely lose is starting my long journey toward self-sufficiency and a "new" life (though I could be writing/studying).

I'm sure it is as much a trap for me as it is for him...tempting as it is...and, more importantly, the offer has not been presented only alluded to and without any reference to our together-ness. So, for now, no.

To be continued.



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Nice to hear from you.

(Sorry if I came off a little nutty last week.)


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
orangedog #1862711 10/27/09 02:06 AM
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I didn't notice the nutty. wink



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Well, not too much new except that slowly H is telling the truth and acknowledging his dysfunction and fessing up. I've been naughty and given in to a few dates and intimacy. Problem (one of many) is he's got this faraway GF on his mind. He acknowledges that it is fantasy and he seems to be testing to see if the feelings are there with me.

Aside from the individual issues we each are battling (which I have a much clearer picture of), I think we both really struggle to envision and/or believe in a healthy and gratifying version of "us."

H requested that before he leaves for another extended trip (this time getting paid handsomely) he comes in to my therapist with me. I have no idea and did not ask what his agenda is. That meeting will be first thing tomorrow morning. I am nervous because no therapist worth more than a nickel would allow us to continue on like this; meaning, this has to come to a head. We have two very confused kids and we have to grow the f*ck up. I see his initiating the therapy as a positive step in the direction of that growth. That does not mean we will be together.

I am more and more okay with it going either way. Strange how when I feel the possibility of reconciliation looming, I am haunted by what I've been through and I am really attracted to other men and appreciative of my solitude and privacy and potential for growth without him. This is a bizarre and unpredictable existence. In my youth I swore I would never settle for a mundane, white picket fence life; as an adult that was all I wanted and now...it's a toss up.



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Missed you!

I think the last time I saw you was on that convoluted thread of SP's. Bygones.

You both sound like you're committed to understanding and making improvements in your own selves and your situation. So good to hear.

[quote]This is a bizarre and unpredictable existence. In my youth I swore I would never settle for a mundane, white picket fence life; as an adult that was all I wanted and now...it's a toss up.[quote]

That's what happens when everything in life is pulled up by the roots. It's been a time of reevaluation for me. Keep doing the work and no matter what outcome of the toss up you choose, you will thrive.

My thread is now on "Surviving the Big D" but I stop by here to see the 'ol gang.


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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Hey there! I have found less time posting here works better for me.

Quote:
I think the last time I saw you was on that convoluted thread of SP's. Bygones.


There was a point to be made, I just don't think I was adept enough to make it...

Quote:
You both sound like you're committed to understanding and making improvements in your own selves and your situation. So good to hear.


Ha, we'll see about that...I'll report back.

I hope you are doing well, I'll check your thread. wink



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Hey, so you are "Alive and Kicking" after all smile


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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AAK,

Glad to hear you're still around!

I totally understand your conflict. I'm getting close to a friend of mine who I would like to continue in terms of intimacy, but am torn about wanting to R with my W.

Right now my W is like your H in terms of not wanting to deal with me. She really hasn't said anything and continues to be emotionally distant.

I told my friend we could just play it by ear and when the time comes to make a decision, we'll do it then.

Never imagined in a million years that I'd be in this sitch either.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hey Stuck, I'm sure we can relate but my sitch is quite different. H left 11 months ago but has never really left me alone. I was more like your wife before H left (though I was clear I wanted to make our M work).

Therapy today was a trip. He was really honest. My therapist was great. Basically, she called him out (gently but directly on his cake eating)...I'm going to go in to see her again and really try to hone in on what I want. He's struggling with what he wants and seems to understand that he's in a fantasy world. I'm the only woman he can really trust (despite his involvement with other women). Interesting stuff. I was pretty clear that I feel devalued and that he doesn't see me and my experience as of equal importance to his...I don't know if that can ever change, just listening to him go on and on about his desires and confusion, other women, critical importance on this planet etc. was turning me off but, he was there and owned up to a lot.

We'll see. He asked for a referral for a male therapist for when he gets back (he's got a long stretch of being gone, leaving tonight). I'm glad he wants to work on himself. In the meantime, we need to figure out what our boundaries are and how we can create some security for our kids (I guess that's pretty much on me since he'll be gone).

On the money front, he has gone to great lengths to ensure that he is earning enough to cover our overhead, risked losing a huge opportunity by insisting on a guarantee of hefty compensation.

So, things are moving along.

I really wish MWD would write more or dedicate a book to how the heck we are supposed to deal with the kids when in "limbo"...they must be the first concern.



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Limboland: When the WAS is outspokenly not committed to the R, but at the same time is not leaving either.

There seem to be whole lot of us living in exactly this place, but you are right. Though it get's talked about a fair amount here on the boards, it is never directly addressed in any book that I have read.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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