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#1821128 - 08/18/09 01:42 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
I agree this is silly. It is less about this text and more about getting clear about my approach in general so I don't spend time on it.

Alive Kicking is a fan of DB on FB...

I have to be honest with myself that my fear of losing financially, friends etc is still influencing me.
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#1821140 - 08/18/09 01:57 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
I couldnt agree more with 25yrs. Too much brain wasted over nothing. In the great scheme of things, a text will not bring him back or push him away.

And just for Gucci: H said he wanted back (I was polite friendly to him but completely detached), when I fell in love with a wonderful man. At that time, his A was going downhill but OW was still talking about moving in together so not that bad...
K
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Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
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#1821147 - 08/18/09 02:04 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: Kalni]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Ok. I am not trying to get him back. I am trying to communicate in the way that will position me best in negotiating finances and other items until I can retain an attorney.

And it is not about this text, it is about setting boundaries that are clear and reasonable that I stick to.

Other people commented on hooking him in and that is NOT what I want to do.

So the energy spent here is not about bringing him back or pushing him away (very broad concepts) but trying to live the very consequential realities of my sitch.

I hope I am being clearer. I really need help staying on track and "Moving On." I wish moving on meant just packing up and heading for the hills but as it is, moving on requires regular communication and negotiation.

BTW- Kalni, you're a Goddess and don't you forget it!
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#1821152 - 08/18/09 02:12 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
I am at a similar position. And was endangering my position going nuts lately.

BUT, boundaries are set by consistency. By actions. By tone of voice. By choosing your battles wisely. Last time I went thru this, it worked. I am back on the saddle to make it work again.

Regular communication sucks. I was dreading it while I was on vacation. Today, I "switched". He is not allowed to touch me anymore. And if he does, he will never know.
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1821154 - 08/18/09 02:14 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10325
Loc: west coast
I don't get it. You are acting as if you have some financial security WITH him and you don't.

He is NOT reliable so how do you lose by enforcing boundaries financially? As in getting a legal order for support so you don't have to keep asking him and hoping he pays enough and isn't borrowing money or spending it like a drunken sailor and blah blah blah. ALL THIS POWER TO HIM and yet he is NOT reliable.

What are you losing by enforcing something with him? YES You are letting your financial insecurity dictate and I think it's irrational b/c you think you have $$ security with him, in the face of overwhelming evidence that you do not...that's the thing.
j-

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#1821159 - 08/18/09 02:19 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
davidswife Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 819
Loc: Midwest
And once again, DB fans, 25 hits one out of the park.

Stacy
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D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



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#1821160 - 08/18/09 02:19 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Quote:
BUT, boundaries are set by consistency. By actions. By tone of voice. By choosing your battles wisely
.

This issue of consistency is exactly why I chose to bring this text issue to the board. So I can make a clear decision about how I am going to interact with H and stick to it.

I feel like I'm speaking Chinese. I get that I have to set boundaries and be consistent; I am here to define what that will be so I can implement it.

Trust me, I had already detached pretty well but your sitch really drove home that I must take care of me and not make concessions.
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#1821171 - 08/18/09 02:27 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I don't get it. You are acting as if you have some financial security WITH him and you don't.

He is NOT reliable so how do you lose by enforcing boundaries financially? As in getting a legal order for support so you don't have to keep asking him and hoping he pays enough and isn't borrowing money or spending it like a drunken sailor and blah blah blah. ALL THIS POWER TO HIM and yet he is NOT reliable.

What are you losing by enforcing something with him? YES You are letting your financial insecurity dictate and I think it's irrational b/c you think you have $$ security with him, in the face of overwhelming evidence that you do not...that's the thing.
j-




Here me out please. Right now, I can get H to give me what I ask for most of the time. The insecurity comes from me not having a steady income and my dependence on him. Without a good/great lawyer, I will get no where near what I am getting now. He has already given me more than I would get for child support. The alimony needs to be hashed out plus his diminished income and refusal to go get a job (he could easily make 4-5 times what I can) are issues that a great lawyer can address.

Regardless, I am going to meet with H soon to agree on a monthly amount and I will move into a cheaper place (lease is up here soon and it is waaay too expensive). I would love to discuss this with you IRL.

I have a modicum of control with H right now. I am hopefully going to find out this week if something I am selling will garner me enough money to move and hire an attorney.

While I do not have financial security, I do have most of the bills paid.
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#1821216 - 08/18/09 03:16 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
So, putting the text saga to bed. I had to send H an email about $ so I mentioned that I have a head cold but I'm alright, thanks for asking...

That felt comfortable to me as I have asked him to please communicate via email anyway (I prefer to not have those damn text messages springing up willy nilly).

Anyway, I guess I just have to handle things as they come though I would LOVE to be clearer and more consistent.
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#1821276 - 08/18/09 04:25 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Lightbulb moment, reading someone else's thread...I forgot that I can "handle it" regardless of what comes up...duh!
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