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#1847818 - 09/30/09 07:52 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Michael,

Why are you walking on eggs around your wife about her affair?

This man is, by definition, a PREDATOR, and he's trying to destroy your marriage. He is NOT your moral equal.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1847820 - 09/30/09 07:53 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Oh and just for fun. Here's the advice I was referencing earlier given to me by BrokenTrust in my other threat. This really spoke to me as being the way to specifically handle my W. I feel like I can play the role of "advisor" for her and it will make me attractive, AS LONG as I'm not a a doormatt.
____________________________________________________________
"She will soon be coming down off that high... and you can be available for her to talk to when not GALing. GALing is very important at this time... going out and having fun... finding yourself again and growing your confidence back as you become the person you want to and need to be.

Nothing is more attractive than a confident person who likes their own company.

So... be willing to be there... (hint hint) but not when you have plans.

Sound confusing yet? That is kind of the point, you need to confuse her, to be mysterious... she needs to work for your attention... she needs to be the one to beg you for your advice and when she does you need to be nice and supportive and give her advice you would want in her situation. Do not bring up your own R in the advice... simply tell her to do what you would tell your sister to do in her place, and if she comes back with "you are telling me this because you want me back" answer with "no, I just want you to be happy wherever you are". That will probably hit her like a ton of bricks because it will be the last thing she will expect.

As for waiting for her to come to her senses... stop waiting by the phone and by the door and get out there and start GALing. Change your hair style... change colognes... change the way you dress... remake yourself into the person you want to be. There something you used to like to do? Go out and do it... There something you have always wanted to do... whats stopping you?"
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1847832 - 09/30/09 08:20 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
And the context of this advice was for you to "be available for her to talk" about her OM???
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1847837 - 09/30/09 08:27 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
simply tell her to do what you would tell your sister to do in her place


So what would you tell your sister that was having a affair about how to deal with her lover?

Quote:
I feel like I can play the role of "advisor"


Woman aren't looking for advisors when it comes to finding a husband.

Quote:
and it will make me attractive


Ask around to the women here if being your wife's advisor in her affair is attractive. You are not her hairdresser.

Telling your wife you want her to be happy is fine. But being her confidant in her affair????!!!!

These are not healthy dynamics in a relationship.
_________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1847838 - 09/30/09 08:30 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Okay. I definately do not walk on Eggshells about the OM. In fact I feel like I've EXHAUSTED all the reasons why he is terrible and a predator. I'm not sure it does me much good to do anything at this point but plainly state he's no good for her and she knows why. Then tell her to pick herself up and make some good decisions about her life.

I think available to talk about the mess she made is more the way I would describe it. The OM helped her make the mess unfortunately.

Trust me I'm quick to remind her she's making a big mistake every day she chooses to remain unfaithful. And aside from that she's making a big mistake being with this guy EVEN if she was single.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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#1847841 - 09/30/09 08:32 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
I think people are misunderstanding. I'm not giving her LOVE advice about her affair. I'm encouraging her to make healthy decisions in her life.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

Top
#1847847 - 09/30/09 08:44 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael


I think available to talk about the mess she made is more the way I would describe it. The OM helped her make the mess unfortunately.


What I was taught to say and do was to say to my wife "This is your mess; you get to clean it up." Not to take any ownership of her poor decisions, nor to instruct her on what to do (which she would only see as "controlling" anyway.

A betrayed spouse shouldn't get involved with helping solve a wayward spouse's problems that are directly a result of their infidelity.

I guess we'll just have to disagree about this one, Michael.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1847855 - 09/30/09 08:53 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
That's a good point... I've certainly already said MORE than my fair share about her mistakes. I've also done a LOT more of my fair share of research as to what the problems were in our relationship and how we can overcome them.

But I do think it's important that if SHE seeks ME out about something serious (like hurting herself), I shouldn't blow her off. If she's just calling to say hi, I can blow her off.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

Top
#1847857 - 09/30/09 08:55 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
I agree with that. And I have no problem with you "being there" for her for any and every other topic BESIDES OM.
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







Top
#1847859 - 09/30/09 08:56 PM Re: Newcomer with a long story... [Re: Frosty Michael]
Frosty Michael Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 133
Loc: Chicago IL
Oh and to be clear if she's just calling to say "OM and I are having problems" but she's otherwise behaving in a healthy mannor. Again, happy to blow her off. That's never happened.
_________________________
Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011

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