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Michael,

Why are you walking on eggs around your wife about her affair?

This man is, by definition, a PREDATOR, and he's trying to destroy your marriage. He is NOT your moral equal.

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Oh and just for fun. Here's the advice I was referencing earlier given to me by BrokenTrust in my other threat. This really spoke to me as being the way to specifically handle my W. I feel like I can play the role of "advisor" for her and it will make me attractive, AS LONG as I'm not a a doormatt.
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"She will soon be coming down off that high... and you can be available for her to talk to when not GALing. GALing is very important at this time... going out and having fun... finding yourself again and growing your confidence back as you become the person you want to and need to be.

Nothing is more attractive than a confident person who likes their own company.

So... be willing to be there... (hint hint) but not when you have plans.

Sound confusing yet? That is kind of the point, you need to confuse her, to be mysterious... she needs to work for your attention... she needs to be the one to beg you for your advice and when she does you need to be nice and supportive and give her advice you would want in her situation. Do not bring up your own R in the advice... simply tell her to do what you would tell your sister to do in her place, and if she comes back with "you are telling me this because you want me back" answer with "no, I just want you to be happy wherever you are". That will probably hit her like a ton of bricks because it will be the last thing she will expect.

As for waiting for her to come to her senses... stop waiting by the phone and by the door and get out there and start GALing. Change your hair style... change colognes... change the way you dress... remake yourself into the person you want to be. There something you used to like to do? Go out and do it... There something you have always wanted to do... whats stopping you?"


Age: 28
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And the context of this advice was for you to "be available for her to talk" about her OM???

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Quote:
simply tell her to do what you would tell your sister to do in her place


So what would you tell your sister that was having a affair about how to deal with her lover?

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I feel like I can play the role of "advisor"


Woman aren't looking for advisors when it comes to finding a husband.

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and it will make me attractive


Ask around to the women here if being your wife's advisor in her affair is attractive. You are not her hairdresser.

Telling your wife you want her to be happy is fine. But being her confidant in her affair????!!!!

These are not healthy dynamics in a relationship.


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Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Okay. I definately do not walk on Eggshells about the OM. In fact I feel like I've EXHAUSTED all the reasons why he is terrible and a predator. I'm not sure it does me much good to do anything at this point but plainly state he's no good for her and she knows why. Then tell her to pick herself up and make some good decisions about her life.

I think available to talk about the mess she made is more the way I would describe it. The OM helped her make the mess unfortunately.

Trust me I'm quick to remind her she's making a big mistake every day she chooses to remain unfaithful. And aside from that she's making a big mistake being with this guy EVEN if she was single.


Age: 28
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Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
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I think people are misunderstanding. I'm not giving her LOVE advice about her affair. I'm encouraging her to make healthy decisions in her life.


Age: 28
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Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael


I think available to talk about the mess she made is more the way I would describe it. The OM helped her make the mess unfortunately.


What I was taught to say and do was to say to my wife "This is your mess; you get to clean it up." Not to take any ownership of her poor decisions, nor to instruct her on what to do (which she would only see as "controlling" anyway.

A betrayed spouse shouldn't get involved with helping solve a wayward spouse's problems that are directly a result of their infidelity.

I guess we'll just have to disagree about this one, Michael.

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That's a good point... I've certainly already said MORE than my fair share about her mistakes. I've also done a LOT more of my fair share of research as to what the problems were in our relationship and how we can overcome them.

But I do think it's important that if SHE seeks ME out about something serious (like hurting herself), I shouldn't blow her off. If she's just calling to say hi, I can blow her off.


Age: 28
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I agree with that. And I have no problem with you "being there" for her for any and every other topic BESIDES OM.

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Oh and to be clear if she's just calling to say "OM and I are having problems" but she's otherwise behaving in a healthy mannor. Again, happy to blow her off. That's never happened.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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