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Posted a minor update in the other thread I started, and thought I'd pop in here too. I'm trying to sublimate my frustrations a little by posting here more.

Basically I sent her an Email explaining to her why I thought we had a SSM. She finally responded with some gratitude that I was working so hard to figure all of this out. I responded briefly that I agreed with her and tried to give a casual impression that I had "stuff" going on in my own life, and was doing fine.

This weekend I'm going to try and keep very busy with friends, but I don't have any concrete plans yet.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Another update...

Thank you so much to everyone who has given me advice but especially to those who suggested I stop calling/waiting by the phone and GAL.

For about two weeks my contact with W has been very minimal. I've only replied to her Emails (concisely)and have avoided the topic of our relationship. I'm coming to terms with the fact that (for now) our relationship is non existant.

I saw that she had been calling me on the ground line, but did NOT call her back. She left a message and again I let it go. She's been saying that she misses me. Finally she called Sunday night after midnight. I figured it's late so I should answer in case there was an emergency. It was obvious that she is HEAVILY affected by my sudden loss of interest. She misses me, is impressed by how I've started to move on, and is extremely depressed.

But now it's tricky again. She called me again the following night (in tears), complaining about OM (who she can't seem to make happy, surpirse surprise.) But the conversation was very brief and I got the impression that he had called her back or come back to her apartment becasue she quickly ended our call and apologized for dragging me into her problem.

The next day I decided to be safe I'd send a quick "how are you?" Email. I found out she's miserable and behaving in self-destructive ways. She's devastated by her guilt over what she's done to me, and by the fact that the OM is not satisfied by her, and her self-esteem has taken a major blow. I replied, trying to give her the advice I'd give a relative or a friend telling her that OM is selfish and immature and if he's not happy that's his problem. That she is very accomplished and should feel good about herself and not let her mistakes define her. But I tried to leave our marriage out of the equation and make my advice objective.

I decided last night to break my no innitiating contact rule and give her a call out of concern but she didn't answer or call back. Now I'm mostly just concerned for her mental health, but I don't want to seem like I'm pursuing her too much.

My instincts are telling me to continue on my course and just wait until she contacts me even if it takes a week or so. What do you guys think???


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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I think you were doing great (and it worked), and then you blew it by pursuing.

GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING THAT WAS WORKING.

Also, I'm a little shocked that it's considered kosher for her to talk about OM to you? And you give her LOVE ADVICE???? Isn't that emasculating????? confused confused mad

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You're right Puppy. The problem is, I'd rather blow it a little bit than have her hurting herself. Although at the same time she's not really my responsiblity right now.

And yeah, how odd that she comes to me with OM problems? But at the same time I'm not going to discourage because it confirms for me that things are going sour for them.

My policy has been (starting just over two weeks ago) bare minimal contact. Let her innitiate all contact. Don't call her back right away. Try not to reply to Emails right away, be concise in emails and casually suggest to her that I'm having fun and doing well without seeming like I'm rubbing it in.

I feel like if she's coming to me in a moment of crisis however I want to respond WITHOUT commenting on myself or our Relationship. Just so she knows I care about her well being, but am generally disinterested in how it applies to me personally.

Someone on these boards gave me GAL advice to "be there" but not at beck and call so to speak. Don't drop my plans for her, which I haven't done. She knows I'm around and am not indifferent to her well being; but as far as needing her, I don't. I want to believe I can strike that balance.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Your WORDS, the description you just gave, strike that balance.

Your ACTION -- of initiating a "how are you?" text message -- say otherwise.

I think you're rationalizing, but that's just my opinion. Even if YOU don't mind her talking about her boyfriend to you, I would bet that SHE loses respect (and therefore LOVE) for you when you allow her to do it.

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Maybe. It's tough not to at least acknowledge what she's saying to me if I'm trying to keep a cool demanor. I have a feeling if I just flipped out and said I refuse to discuss this it would make me look like a jerk to her. I want her to know she can come to me with problems when I'm available.

In my defense the most I commented about her "relationship" this time was to say, "If you don't make him happy that's his problem. He's already proven to be immature, disrespectful, and unreasonable." Then immediately moved on to say she needs to focus on taking better care of herself.

In the past I've tried to go farther to disprove him worth, but I've already told her I no longer care to discuss him with her multiple times and want him to be a non issue in my life.

But yeah I'm probably trying to justify this too much. The first "everything okay?" email was probably fine. The second message was overkill. Her move.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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I'm not saying to run him down -- that would be counterproductive. But a polite (but firm) "I'm sorry, but I really don't appreciate it when you talk to me about your boyfriend. It's very disrespectful to our marriage" would be MUCH more appropriate.

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If you disagree, why not start a separate thread called "Is It OK to Discuss Affair Partner with Wayward Spouse?", and see what kind of responses you get.

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I agree with PDT.
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You know, I think I do agree for the most part. But since he exists in the situation still I feel I'll have to acknowledge him here and there and he may factor into advice I give her.

But I think a polite, "I'd really rather not discuss your relationship" would be on the money. Going forward I'll try to not so subtly steer the conversation away from him and focus on the problems she can solve without him. Thanks again for the input!

I guess the good news here is that this strategy is working and if she's coming to me like this then she is UNHAPPY. Push will hopefully come to shove, but I'm still counting on it taking at least another month or two.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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