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Okay... W shows up randomly last night. I was out to dinner, out with a friend and came home to find she had been trying to call me and showed up at my house desperately missing me.

She certainly took my lack of contact personally! Tried to put words into my mouth that I was done waiting for her and it was over. (Even though I've responded to every urgent call and email over the past few weeks.) I kept my cool, almost took the bait for some nasty fights but caught myself before I got too worked up, and she essentially sat before me worn and broken looking, scars all up and down her arms, begging to be held and comforted.

She's sending mixed messages. But she's TRYING to get me to "hang on" for the next few weeks until her play is over SUGGESTING that at that time she can dump the OM. At the same time makes no promise that this will happen. I have told her I don't care to discuss OM, that he has become a non issue for me and I can only take her seriously if she can prove I can trust her.

I did hold her. I understand that people in as dark a place as her do need some serious emotional support and she wasn't getting it anywhere else. It looks like she's been through hell and is crawling back to me, but not saying it in plain English. One thing lead to another and she wanted to lie down with me. We actually slept the night together in our bed for the first time since the beginning of July. And it was her choice. I LOVED it of course but I'm trying to think of it as a nice thing that happened and not read any more or less into it than I have to.

I have to admitt this is a HUGE step for her, and I'm tempted to come out of the dark a little, but I don't want to pursue or lose my cool confident demeanor that I've kept up the past 3 weeks.

I still agree that she must give up OM 100%, and give me full transparency. But I'm feeling like I can bend my rules a little until she very clearly passes on that option. (Two weeks). Until then I still don't want to actively pursue, but i think my ignoring made a point and was starting to go extreme and do dammage. Going to talk to the therapist tonight about how I can feel my way through this phase of things. The changes I made ARE affecting her so I want to be attentive to how she's changing and feel like I probably need to stop treating her like she's living her life EXACTLY the same way she was July-August. She is doing and understanding things differently.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Wow that's great news! You're right in saying that she has to be the one to put in the work. She has to be the one to start initiating and not just use you as a crutch.

Hope it continues to improve from here.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael


I still agree that she must give up OM 100%, and give me full transparency. But I'm feeling like I can bend my rules a little until she very clearly passes on that option. (Two weeks). Until then I still don't want to actively pursue, but i think my ignoring made a point and was starting to go extreme and do dammage. Going to talk to the therapist tonight about how I can feel my way through this phase of things. The changes I made ARE affecting her so I want to be attentive to how she's changing and feel like I probably need to stop treating her like she's living her life EXACTLY the same way she was July-August. She is doing and understanding things differently.


I know I always seem to be the resident Wet Blanket, but how, exactly, is she "doing and understanding things differently," other than throwing you whatever bone she needs to throw you to keep you at her beckon call? "I'm going to end all contact with OM" is like the federal government saying "I'm GOING to cut waste, fraud and abuse" -- they never really get around to it, and if they can do it later, why aren't they doing it NOW???

Excuse me if this is too personal, Michael, but did you guys ML? Just please be careful -- emotionally and physically, okay?

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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael
I have to admitt this is a HUGE step for her, and I'm tempted to come out of the dark a little,


too soon. this is just an initial response to her noticing you may be walking away. SCRIPT!

whats with the two weeks? hanging on until her play is over? whats that all about?

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No ML. My intention is not to do that again unless shes gives up OM and gets herself tested for STDs. OM ha ONLY dated women who are taken. I have to admit halfway through last night I realized that this policy might prove harder to enforce than I thought! I felt like were were about as intimate as can be witout any of the stuff assiciated with ML.

I'm definately trying to be careful. I know there's still lots of backslide potential.

The Play/2 Weeks situation is like this: My W and OM met as actors. OM was all set to be her assistant director in another production right before the Affair happened. I tried to warn her early on that this was going to be a big mistake but she was so gung ho, me and OM work so well together everything is going to be swell. Surprise surprise here we are, opening night is next weekend and she fully admits that having him as her A.D. was a HUGE mistake. Now there are social situations that "obligate" them both to see the project through.

I agree, it sure would go a long way to redeem her if she could say OM is fired and the show goes on without him. It's not like he's an actor and they'd have to find someone to replace him and learn all his lines. But I KNOW that's not happening. She doesn't have it in her. I'm interested to see what she does have in her by the end of October.

The optimistic way of looking at this is at least unlike an office romance, there is a clear and impending END to thier working relationship and they will have a conscious choice to work together again.

Sounds like they're both sick of each other, but how can I know for sure.

Still plenty of room for lots of GALing because she's going to be VERY busy with her show, so I'm going to try focusing on having fun and relaxing rather than playing a waiting game. Having lived through some truly awful Tech Weeks of shows I know if they're relationship is strained now, next week will be an atomic bomb. If they survive that I really ought to consider that D.


Age: 28
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Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
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Originally Posted By: Frosty Michael
No ML. My intention is not to do that again unless shes gives up OM and gets herself tested for STDs.


Very good. Sorry for prying, but there's more than one horror story on this forum about STDs, or even worse. It's actually more common in affair situations than most people think.

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I can imagine! I sure hope she doesn't have anything for her sake.


Age: 28
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Wrong choice of words.... frown

Quote:
I'm interested to see what she does have in her by the end of October.


the end of october is a long time away. The only thing I see her socially obligated to do is work on your marriage. Are you afraid to put your foot down about her having an affair partner or are you taking this month to decide whether you even want her back?

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Ha, woah I walked right into that one didn't I!

The thing is we're separated so it's not like I can put my foot down in any normal sense. All I can really do is suggest to her with my actions that I don't need her, and hope she thinks twice about throwing our M away.

Of course she's MORE obligated by her marriage than anything else, but I don't want to be completely black and white about it. Life goes on married or separated and this is one of her obligations just like getting up and going to work. I do fully support her pursuit of theater on the whole. It's just unfortunate (for her mostly at this point) that she had to get OM wrapped up in this project.

I'm not in any hurry just yet to decide I want a divorce, but I have told myself that November is the time to do a serious re-evaluation of her and what she is doing to make me think she's worth putting divorce (Or up and leaving) off any longer.

I actually kind of feel like the end of October is right around the corner in the grand scheme of this whole nasty business. Just not sure how much MORE of this I'd have to put up with to save my M.


Age: 28
Wife's Age: 28
Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off)
Married: Less than one year
Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
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Frosty, one suggestion: do NOT communicate your November deadline to her. Have that be "hidden in your heart," as it were. All she needs to know is that your patience isn't without its limits, no more.

If you communicate a deadline of November X, she will keep doing what she's doing until November X-1, at which point she'll promise you the moon and the stars not to kick her to the curb.

Puppy

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