You can take control of your situation, but you won't do it. You can't blame her for that.
I am not blaming her for the position that I put myself in. That falls on me. I should have used better control.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think a good idea might be to visualize your wife as something that can quickly cause you pain. When you and your W have a talk that starts to get heated/disrespctful or some sort of R talk imagine her as a stove. With each word that is said the burner gets hotter and hotter. Why would you want to touch a scorching hot burner and blister yourself? Logic tells us to NOT touch a hot burner to avoid both temporary and long term pain. Blisters from burns take a long time to heal and the healing process is painful. Your skin feels tight and hot and it limits your ability to function as your hand is not able to work as it should.
So, think of it that way. If you dont touch the burner you wont get burned. Instead, turn the burner off and avoid that blister that will hurt, take time to heal and limit your abilities to use your hand.
Nobody is telling you to ignore you feelings. Find a better outlet though instead of laying in to your W. Journal, blog or get it out here. Your current means of release are not appropriate or productive.
I am going to remember that analogy of the stove going forward.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Dont worry too much about this latest. In a week, it will mostly be forgotten.
Listen to what CityGirl says.
Dont arugue. Ever. When a man has an argument with a woman and loses - he loses. When he wins the argument - he still loses.
Learn to turn the other cheek.
For you to ever have your W come back and successfully piece your marriage back, you have much growth still. I can sense you are starting to feel like it is an impossible task, but it is not.
BTW... I have a gas stove. No warm up time for that. I never touch it.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I read your story about the wicked lady and the onion. I guess I am not catching how that applies to me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Your patterns are very predictable. She attacks and you attack back. You can walk away right or happy? Which is better? In the scenario you described walking away HAPPY with YOURSELF for not indulging her w/the reaction she expected would have been the best thing to do.
In college I took a psychology course and they talked about how people get trapped in role playing.
Your roles are she gets made, you get defensive and she gets madder. Even if you both know it's destructive you keep doing it because you are familiar with how it will play out.
Defensiveness just adds fuel to the fire as citygirl says. When she's attacking you, listen to what she's saying. Let her go until her anger burns itself out. If you defend yourself you are not validating her feelings and that just makes her madder. It doesn't mean you agree with her or that she's right.
My DB counselor, Dottie, asked me to read a book by Faber, How to Listen so your kids will talk and how to talk so your kids will listen.
That has really helped me with D10 and may someday help with stbxw.
I look back on our last argument that led me to moving out. W was pissed that the house was a mess after she was gone for two days and that D10 didn't study for a test.
I got defensive because I had an ear infection and let her go on a scrap booking weekend even though I didn't feel like doing anything more than lay on the couch.
So I defended myself, which made her madder, and caused her to bring up other stuff to justify her anger. I countered that and it got worse and worse.
Looking back, I should have just let her ramble on, validated what she was feeling and try to figure out why she was really mad.
In the morning, after she had calmed down, I could have told her I was sorry about the house. I had an ear infection and couldn't keep up with cleaning.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
