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Quote:
Wrong! You were expecting something even if you can't admit it to yourself (see above quote). Just changing a lightbulb for her isn't letting her cake eat. She asked and you said okay. End of story.

IMO I would change the bulb because you said you already said you would. Don't seem like an @$$ and then tell her you changed your mind.

A real man follows through on what he has promised regardless on who it is for.


I think you are right about needing to follow through with the lightbulbs. I don't want to come across as an @ss since I already said I would do it.

I understand what you are saying about expecting something. But I wasn't expecting anything out of her for doing it. Maybe by me saying it is letting her have her cake and eat it to you are thinking that I was expecting something. I am not sure what I would be expecting by me simply changing her light bulbs for her. A romp in the hay would be nice, but I know it ain't gonna happen, so I don't expect it. And I definitely don't dare ask for it.

Kevin

Last edited by K4D; 12/16/09 09:54 PM.

Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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You were expecting her position to be that she was intentionally taking advantage of you. It's like how you keep expecting her family to have some kind of underlying motivation to ask you to join them for things.

She probably just asked you for a favor. But this like so many of the other instances, you read into the smallest things. Like when she said she was home but you thought she wasn't. Who cares? You're just torturing yourself.

Go out and get a lady companion to get your mind off of her if you can't do it by now. It's been almost two years and I don't think you can't be co-dependant. I think you need someone there to take care of you or to say that what you're doing is okay.

Again, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you're going to insist on standing or whatever, then make a plan and do something about it rather than analyzing everything your W is doing.

Whatever happened to your GAL. And let me tell you, hanging out with a priest (although great) and people from the DB boards, does not constitute GAL. What have you done that doesn't involve the R with your W?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
Verrrrrrry interesting.

Kevin, as a classic "Mr. Nice Guy," you still operate from a basic paradigm "If I am nice enough to people, I can get them to do what I want," regardless of whether or not that is healthy for YOU, or attractive to THEM.

And despite thousands and thousands and thousands of posts, back and forth to you on this forum, I don't see that having changed one iota.

Hint: it needs to. For your own health and happiness.

Puppy


Isn't it kind of the old thing about treat people how you want to be treated? I guess that is what I was trying to do with MIL and W. I think it has changed things a bit, somewhat with MIL. And it has even changed things with W and me as far as us being able to coparent now and be together for certain situations. Funny thing is, as long as nobody else is around, W doesn't seem to mind sitting with me and last night asked me to save her a seat. But that does seem to change if people are around.

The smart thing is to probably go ahead and separate the remaining accounts. But can anyone who knows my sitch honestly say that if I went further and filed that it would make one iota of difference with regard to my W?

I know the general consensus is do it for me and my health or at least finish separating things and move forward with my life and let her decide the finale. I have thought at times about going ahead and filing and either being done or seeing if it changes anything. The only thing I think it would change is her feeling free and relieved to pursue OM and another M. I don't think it would be any kind of wake up call to her at all with regard to us. I don't even know that it would lead to any kind of new respect being as how she expects me to stand since that is what I told her I would do. Plus it says I was willing to go ahead and do what I said I would not do.

Yes, I am struggling today with considering moving forward a bit more in this process. I just keep thinking what if she is getting more and more back on the fence and then I do this and it pushes her right back off the fence and forward.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
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"I know the general consensus is do it for me and my health or at least finish separating things and move forward with my life and let her decide the finale. I have thought at times about going ahead and filing and either being done or seeing if it changes anything. The only thing I think it would change is her feeling free and relieved to pursue OM and another M. I don't think it would be any kind of wake up call to her at all with regard to us. I don't even know that it would lead to any kind of new respect being as how she expects me to stand since that is what I told her I would do. Plus it says I was willing to go ahead and do what I said I would not do."

Again with this?!

You are thinking of filing because you are hoping that she's going to turn around. If you're going to file, file because it will make you happy. Period.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
You were expecting her position to be that she was intentionally taking advantage of you. It's like how you keep expecting her family to have some kind of underlying motivation to ask you to join them for things.

She probably just asked you for a favor. But this like so many of the other instances, you read into the smallest things. Like when she said she was home but you thought she wasn't. Who cares? You're just torturing yourself.


Ok. I honestly didn't read into anything with the lightbulbs until it was brought up about not doing it and some cake eating talk today. But I can concede if you want me to.

Quote:
Go out and get a lady companion to get your mind off of her if you can't do it by now. It's been almost two years and I don't think you can't be co-dependant. I think you need someone there to take care of you or to say that what you're doing is okay.


14 months. But who is counting. A lady would help take my mind off of things somewhat, but I would feel guilty inside like I am doing something I shouldn't be doing. Tried it.

Quote:
Again, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you're going to insist on standing or whatever, then make a plan and do something about it rather than analyzing everything your W is doing.


It is just hard.

Quote:
Whatever happened to your GAL. And let me tell you, hanging out with a priest (although great) and people from the DB boards, does not constitute GAL. What have you done that doesn't involve the R with your W?


I guess GAL lately has fallen by the wayside. I haven't been dancing in a while. I have actually made another friend that I have been trying to help keep calm and help him see the positives in his situation. I went over to his place this past Saturday night and played some board games with him and his friend and had a good time. I have also been trying to keep things up around my place and trying to bring in the Christmas spirit there with my girls.

I also helped out at the church some trying to get the new church and house for the priest fixed and set up.

I have also been helping out another friend who is just getting screwed left and right by her H in court for a D that she has been trying to prevent. That is quite a story she is living. So I have been trying to help her.

But you are correct in that talking with my priest and on the boards does not constitute getting a life. I even let excercising fall by the wayside and I am trying to get back on that again.

There isn't much I haven't done that doesn't have anything to do with the R with my W.

I am thinking about getting my cert like I said earlier, but of course for 2 reasons. One it would further my career and bring in more money, and two, maybe having a better career would be more attractive to my W since she does seem to put importance on that.

Oh, and 25, whatever my reasons were, it still boils down to the fact that I did pass the job onto my W. But I don't disagree with what you said about my reasons for doing it at the time as I had said that as well and am not disputing it. But it was still passed onto my W none the less.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
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Quote:
Again with this?!

You are thinking of filing because you are hoping that she's going to turn around. If you're going to file, file because it will make you happy. Period.


There were 2 modes of thought at different times. One time was to see if it would change things. The other time was to finally be done and move on and give up. They didn't both occur at the same time.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
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I know there is a lot of posting today. I am just trying to make sure I am considerate and respond to each post. I am trying to be better about that as people graciously take the time to post to me and deserve to be answered.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
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Quote:
14 months. But who is counting.


Actually 15 months now. I decided to count real quick.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Joined: Mar 2007
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Kevin,

You're not listening.

"maybe having a better career would be more attractive to my W since she does seem to put importance on that"

Anything you do JUST to impress her will backfire. She'll see right through it.

Good gawd man, do something for yourself!!!


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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"But I can concede if you want me to."

"I" don't want you to concede or do anything! Stop letting people control you. I was just making a freaking point.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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