At least be honest with yourself. You don't want to split the bills because it is one of the last things you and your W share and you are fearful to move forward.
This is true. I can't deny it.
Yep was just going to post this...I'm pretty sure you're a lot like I was, trying to figure out any way you can to have contact with W, since you think that's the ONLY way you can work things out...It doesn't work and it's obvious, trust me.
I think you're missing a HUGH issue here...There is nothing wrong with asking W to Christmas Eve dinner as long as you're ok with her saying no, that's what detachment is about...If it's going to hurt you for her to say no (I think it will) then don't ask, if not ask.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Again, something else that you resent about your W yet you do nothing to change it on your end. You are her safety net when she needs help covering her bills, when she needs to switch days for your children or when she needs some other errand/favor done. There is a difference between being a safety net and being used.
I am not sure why but I am amazed that you feel splitting the finances would be the last straw. Do you really think that having joint or individual finances would be the vehicle that turns things around? I don't think so.
My H e-mailed me out of the blue on Monday to tell me (three weeks later) that I hurt his feelings on T-day because I never responded to his text wishing me a good holiday. And he said "I must admit I miss talking to you on the phone and over e-mail but I guess I better get used to you treating me this way". LOL!
NOTHING has changed with him. As per usual he holds in what is bothering him until he can't take it anymore instead of addressing what is wrong when it happens. Less than 30 days ago he was telling me how he would never turn his back on me, he would do whatever he had to do to earn a spot in my life and he would work harder than he ever worked to be a part of my life and earn my trust and respect back. I never heard from him again and when I did (the e-mail about T-day) it was the same old, same old.
The same BS with him just a different month. I can imagine your W feels much the same way.
My response: Sorry to hear your feelings were hurt on T-day.
I am tired of the same discussions and crap with him and all his empty promises and his fear. All I can do is remove myself from it. Maybe your W feels the same way.
There is nothing wrong with asking W to Christmas Eve dinner as long as you're ok with her saying no, that's what detachment is about...If it's going to hurt you for her to say no (I think it will) then don't ask, if not ask.
She probably will say no and it probably will hurt. Maybe I am better off not asking and just doing a good Christmas eve dinner with my girls. I know they will want us all to do it together and I would to.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Again, something else that you resent about your W yet you do nothing to change it on your end. You are her safety net when she needs help covering her bills, when she needs to switch days for your children or when she needs some other errand/favor done. There is a difference between being a safety net and being used.
It does feel like I am being used sometimes. But I also feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her if she needs help with something. I also feel like by turning my back on her that she will just further look the other way for help from someone else such as OM.
Quote:
I am not sure why but I am amazed that you feel splitting the finances would be the last straw. Do you really think that having joint or individual finances would be the vehicle that turns things around? I don't think so.
My H e-mailed me out of the blue on Monday to tell me (three weeks later) that I hurt his feelings on T-day because I never responded to his text wishing me a good holiday. And he said "I must admit I miss talking to you on the phone and over e-mail but I guess I better get used to you treating me this way". LOL!
NOTHING has changed with him. As per usual he holds in what is bothering him until he can't take it anymore instead of addressing what is wrong when it happens. Less than 30 days ago he was telling me how he would never turn his back on me, he would do whatever he had to do to earn a spot in my life and he would work harder than he ever worked to be a part of my life and earn my trust and respect back. I never heard from him again and when I did (the e-mail about T-day) it was the same old, same old.
The same BS with him just a different month. I can imagine your W feels much the same way.
My response: Sorry to hear your feelings were hurt on T-day.
I am tired of the same discussions and crap with him and all his empty promises and his fear. All I can do is remove myself from it. Maybe your W feels the same way.
Except that I don't make empty promises with W. I try to really see through anything I say to her. But I understand your point.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I did just call our cell phone provider and they said I could split the bill and we each have our own separate accounts. I would take one of the kids cell numbers and she would. The customer service rep also suggested this because she said that W is using far more minutes than I am and I can reduce the number of minuets on my plan individually.
If I take her off the auto insurance, my bill would also drop since I am paying half of our insurance bill which includes W's new vehicle in terms of full coverage where as my vehicle is fully paid for and only on liability.
It may be best to do that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Wow just realized you have 2300 (and one now) posts on THIS thread in five months...That's an average of 15 a day, got to be a record by a mile.
I hadn't looked at that. That is quite a bit.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I did just call our cell phone provider and they said I could split the bill and we each have our own separate accounts. I would take one of the kids cell numbers and she would. The customer service rep also suggested this because she said that W is using far more minutes than I am and I can reduce the number of minuets on my plan individually.
If I take her off the auto insurance, my bill would also drop since I am paying half of our insurance bill which includes W's new vehicle in terms of full coverage where as my vehicle is fully paid for and only on liability.
It may be best to do that.
Kevin
See?! A bonus already. Now do the email suggested above. Be ready for a not so nice response, but she is cake eating. Did you tell the cel and insurance companies that you wanted to do this by a certain date?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
See?! A bonus already. Now do the email suggested above. Be ready for a not so nice response, but she is cake eating. Did you tell the cel and insurance companies that you wanted to do this by a certain date?
I only called the cell company. I didn't call the insurance. I am fairly certain the insurance company will do it.
I didn't provide a date. I said I just wanted to know what options were available. I am thinking it over.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me and the girls did decorate our tree last night and also set up Christmas decorations around the apartment. D7 was totally into it. D12 just went along with it. It was fun doing it with them.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
