And, according to what your W has said most of what she dislikes about you is your neediness, your inability to make decisions and act like a strong man.
So, do you think being her soft spot to land when it suits her and being nothing to you when it suits her (and she is with OM) is showing her that you *are* strong and you can make decisions?
We've gotta show others that we are strong enough and respect ourselves enough to let go of those who don't respect or value us.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think you can DB without being a hard@ss. If you are always a hard@ss, when does my W ever see that I can be fun to be around? When does she see I can be welcoming back when things go wrong in her R to OM? My goal isn't to rid myself of my W for the rest of my life. My goal is to be the better option. My goal is to show her that I am better than anyone else she is going to find out there. My goal is to show her that I can forgive and make things better. My goal is to make me better. I can still GAL and be a great dad and be fun to talk to and be around without being a hard@ss.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I was offered the tickets again today, but I went ahead and turned them down. I am not going to go. I could spend the money at the ball, or, or, or I could get the new Droid phone from Verizon next week which is totally freaking awesome.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
ok - well then I guess we will have to agree to disagree. If you equate setting boundaries that are healthy and could help a new type of R flourish to being a hard ass, well, I guess we won't ever agree on the purpose of setting boundaries.
You don't need to be a hard ass, mean, unkind, rude or anything close to set loving boundaries in a detached way. Then again, you aren't detached so I can see why our opinions about boundaries are so vastly different.
The problem is when I set certain boundaries, W retreats and becomes hostile. It doesn't seem to draw her back to me, but instead pushes her away. I have already pushed her far enough away, I don't want to push her further away.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Well of course she is hostile because things aren't going as she planned. You are letting her emotions and behaviors dictate YOUR actions.
I am sorry to have to be the one to break this to you but when she wants to talk, she needs something or feels like throwing you a tiny crumb she does. And she expects you to lap it up. When she has no need for you she treats you like crap.
Each time you start to show signs of detaching from HER control of course she doesn't like it! That means the power is shifting and the WAS wants to control it all.
We have been over this though so there is not much else I can say.
Seriously??? You know what he meant! That maybe you should go!
I doubt you will, but I highly recommend you go get the "Boundaries in Marriage" book by Cloud and Townsend, Christian authors. You can even get an audio version if you don't want to read it!
In short, if you establish boundaries, a person's initial reaction may be to pull away or get hostile, because you just changed the rules on them and they are thrown off...
If they value your relationship, it doesn't take too long for them to get on board.
If they continue to be hostile and pull away, then you figured out they don't value your relationship. Not just spouses, but friends, family members, etc etc...
The regular "Boundaries" book is great, too, more general. In the end it says that healthy boundaries help you realize which people in your life are there for the right reasons and which people are not good for you...
