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#1885932 - 12/03/09 03:32 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
People who aren't emotionally attached to a situation are sometimes able to view it more objectively than those who are emotionally attached to it.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1886073 - 12/03/09 05:47 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: antlers]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9692
Loc: GA
Just preaching caution, boundaries, and accountability D. Nothing I wouldn't tell any one of my friends in any sort of R.

You know your W, you are better aware of when she is being sincere. I would love to see a success come from your journey, really I would, but no matter the outcome you know that you have grown and improved because of it, right?

Pierogie???? YUM! Unfortunately, the only time I've ever had real, handmade pierogie was about 12 years ago when I was visiting my family in Ohio. Otherwise I only get the frozen kind. Not many places in Georgia that have a polish population, so no restaurants that serve them.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1886081 - 12/03/09 05:54 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: mishka422]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: mishka422
but no matter the outcome you know that you have grown and improved because of it, right?


Absolutely. wink
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886168 - 12/03/09 06:56 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11337
DDay,

I'll agree that there are some posters around who do not seem interested in saving marriages, none of them are currently posting to you.

The posters here are looking out for your best interests, and they only have what you decide to tell us to base it on. The good advce offered is designed to help you avoid the pitfalls we stepped in. Or to show you what we have found to be successful.

Right now it looks like you are about to enter pie(R)cing.
It is hard. It sucks worse then 'standing', because you get to relearn everything. Things that you use to do to protect yourself, now become determental to rebuilding a new relationship with your wife.

You have to be firm with your boundaries, you have to be cautious, you have to be forgiving, you have to bend. And that is just you, you have to trust AND verify, and your wife, who has already shown you a history capable of hurting you has to do the same.

The first time you fight, you think it is over. The first time you have sex you think everything is going to be ok.

Let me say this though, based upon what you have written about you; you seem to be in the right frame of mind to make this work.

One last comment about advice:

If something said hurts you. You need to evalute it.

If I called you fat, and you are skinny, you aren't going to feel a thing and I'm just an asshat.

If I called you fat, and you are, I'm still an asshat but if you aren't ok with being fat it is going to sting.

Evalute the advice that hurts or stings, even if its just a little, it will shows you what you need to work on in yourself, for yourself.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1886185 - 12/03/09 07:07 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
DDay,

I'll agree that there are some posters around who do not seem interested in saving marriages, none of them are currently posting to you.


I guess I should have made my statement as more of a blanket statement. I have no beefs with anyone here in this particular thread, if I did, I'd openly call it out. Thus, my apologies to anyone who took it as directed at them.

Yeah, I got kicked in the go-nads pretty good yesterday, but I'm a big boy. wink

I just notice in some other areas where I'd like to help, there's some of those posters as you say. And I just get frustrated.

Thank you very much for the words of wisdom Jack. I think will be printing them out and reading them daily through the next phase of this journey.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886220 - 12/03/09 07:30 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Ok, I was tempted to throw this in the new thread "Transparancy" as this is going to be the main topic of discussion here VERY soon with XW.

The deal here is: XW's situation with OM. They were childhood neighbors for years, given the tightness of the community, she is involved with that entire family. OM's sister was XW's best friend all thrughout school, and was our Maid of Honor at our wedding. And, last but not least, XW and OM are god-parents to OM's sister's child.

Last year, when XW propsed wanting to break it off with OM and work towards us being friends with the chance to have a R later on, I told her I simply could not do so and trust her in having ANY contact with that ENTIRE family.

I still do not feel this to be unreasonable.

Thoughts/comments?
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886308 - 12/03/09 09:02 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans


The first time you fight, you think it is over. The first time you have sex you think everything is going to be ok.


OMG, that is soooooo true!!! laugh

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1886309 - 12/03/09 09:04 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Ok, I was tempted to throw this in the new thread "Transparancy" as this is going to be the main topic of discussion here VERY soon with XW.

The deal here is: XW's situation with OM. They were childhood neighbors for years, given the tightness of the community, she is involved with that entire family. OM's sister was XW's best friend all thrughout school, and was our Maid of Honor at our wedding. And, last but not least, XW and OM are god-parents to OM's sister's child.

Last year, when XW propsed wanting to break it off with OM and work towards us being friends with the chance to have a R later on, I told her I simply could not do so and trust her in having ANY contact with that ENTIRE family.

I still do not feel this to be unreasonable.

Thoughts/comments?


Has anyone else in this family (other than OM) shown that they are NOT supportive of your marriage?

I dunno, I'm as hard-core as they get around here, but this seems a little unreasonable to me, if she's that close with the other, female members of the family.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1886311 - 12/03/09 09:07 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11337
Thoughts.

Boundaries are for you.

If this is what you NEED then this is what it is.
Unreasonable? Throw that out the window.

The OM/OW boundary IS an ultimatum, but not to punish the spouse, it is to protect you. You need to rebuild your trust in her and she needs to prove she is trustworthy. Trust was broken in the past time for her to pay the bill. Actions have consequences, for you and your willingness to try, this is her consequence.

The OM...this shitbird is going to try and keep in contact. To that end, you're likely going to jump at the wrong conclusions.

If you lay this boundary down on her and she agrees to it. Then you must know that this guy is still going to sniff around your X.

When that happens, as long as she is not the one seeking him out, then you should as part of the boundary tell her to let you know when he calls, drops by or emails her, because when you find out...and you will, if you are smart enough to VERIFY her actions, it will be bad for her if she didn't inform you. Because now it looks like she broke your boundary..and well..bye the fukc bye to her.

I simply told my wife, "If he is in your life in any capacity, I won't be."
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1886318 - 12/03/09 09:15 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Has anyone else in this family (other than OM) shown that they are NOT supportive of your marriage?

I dunno, I'm as hard-core as they get around here, but this seems a little unreasonable to me, if she's that close with the other, female members of the family.

Puppy


Well, according to XW in prior conversations when I knew I shouldn't listen to word she says (and where this is concerned I didn't), she claims OM's sister opposed their relationship and asked XW numerous times "WTF do you think you're doing?". Again, according to XW.

Fact of the matter is, I believe that XW met up with OM at his sister's before the A was exposed on a few occasions and I know they were there after. To me, that says the sister certainly didn't support our marriage, which was a key point when XW balked at the concept of not speaking to her either. I said that since this person, our maid of honor, allowed this to transpire and come together under her roof, she is no friend of mine, and certainly no-one I could trust you around.

The rest of the family is mainly OM's mother whom I know XW can live without, and I've ran into on few occasion and couldn't even look me in the face when saying "hello" on the street.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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