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#1883892 - 11/30/09 07:59 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
volleydog Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 691
Loc: IN
Puppy I understand where you are coming from but doesn't it make a difference if the D is already final? You're not dating your own W you're dating a woman...I'm just wondering if/how it changes when the D is already complete.
_________________________
Me:40
W: 39
T: 17 years
M: 15 years
S-9
D-6
D final 11/10/2009

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."




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#1883895 - 11/30/09 08:02 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Like I said, it gets confusing. We did/are talk of R, that's where the piecing bit came in. However, we are full blown divorced, so, like I've said, it's a clean slate now. Sure, there's kids and the history of it all, but, it would start out as just 'dating'. For what it's worth, I find the concept of dating your ex-wife much more comfortable than your estranged, adultrus wife crazy .

So yes slow and graceful, and that's going to be hard because there was so much emotion flowing over the table last night, and no I'm not all melty gooey about it, I don't know how to explain it other than like that feeling when you know a person is going to be someone special when you meet them.

I mean, you got your W back right? Was that energetic feeling not there in your sitch and just slowly work it's way back in or something? That's why my situation has always perplexed me. Every body else seemed to just lose that feeling with their S all together. For us, it never left. Yeah, she was off with OM and all, but I could take comfort in I had something he didn't, doesn't and never will.


Edited by dday101798 (11/30/09 08:04 PM)
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1883935 - 11/30/09 08:45 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Yes, I do think it's different if you are fully divorced. I'm sorry I missed that "little" detail, Dday. blush

That being said, "it does, but it doesn't," kwim? Because it all comes down to establishing trust, and what the betrayed spouse is comfortable with. If Dday says "It is a matter of personal integrity to me that I couldn't date you if you were still in contact with the man who helped to break up our marriage," than that is his boundary, and he has a right to it. His XW then has a right to respectfully decline, saying "I understand, but I can't commit to that."

However, if she DOES want to try to help her XH rebuild his trust, and respects his boundary and agrees to it (and it sounds like she has? or is at least claiming that there is no more contact??), then I think Dday has every right to insist upon transparency, if they are to date.

It's a grey area, but it goes to the difference between "boundaries" and "ultimatums." Ultimatums are about the OTHER person, and are controlling: "I forbid you to see OM."

Boundaries are about YOU, and are matters of personal integrity: "I cannot feel safe in a new relationship with you, when you are still in contact with the man with whom you had an affair while we were still married." To me, that seems like a fair boundary, it's Dday's responsibility to communicate it clearly to her if that's indeed how he feels (and it sounds like he has), and it's then up to his xW what she wants to do with that information.

But I DON'T think it can work (not for Dday, anyway, and that's who we're supporting here) for her to say "OK, yes, I respect that," and just CLAIM to not be in contact with the OM anymore. Because -- on this subject -- she has already shown herself to be deceitful, and therefore untrustworthy.

Just my two cents.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1883942 - 11/30/09 08:49 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
volleydog Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 691
Loc: IN
Quote:
Boundaries are about YOU, and are matters of personal integrity: "I cannot feel safe in a new relationship with you, when you are still in contact with the man with whom you had an affair while we were still married." To me, that seems like a fair boundary, it's Dday's responsibility to communicate it clearly to her if that's indeed how he feels (and it sounds like he has), and it's then up to his xW what she wants to do with that information.


I agree 100% with that...
_________________________
Me:40
W: 39
T: 17 years
M: 15 years
S-9
D-6
D final 11/10/2009

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."




Top
#1883949 - 11/30/09 08:54 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
However, if she DOES want to try to help her XH rebuild his trust, and respects his boundary and agrees to it (and it sounds like she has? or is at least claiming that there is no more contact??), then I think Dday has every right to insist upon transparency, if they are to date.


Exacatmundo! wink
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1884344 - 12/01/09 02:14 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Well,

Hopefully the cleansing of OM has begun.

XW was to set up an appointment for S11 to get his physical done and I hadn't heard anything by the time I left work. So I texted her that I was leaving work and if there was any updates to when his appointment would be. She replied it is on Friday. Then a few minutes later she replied back "oh yeah, hi!". Being confused by this I replied 'hi' aswell, then she did the same.

Trying to drag humor into the situation I sent "lol, "hi" war", meaning what is this a war of 'hi's' until somebody gives up? She replies, "No I never want that ever" which I didn't get a chance to reply to right away because I was on the road. So she then comes back asking if I'm mad at her. crazy I said no, driving, and when I got home replied, "why would you think I was mad". And thus she finally calls. We made small talk over each other's work days, initiated by me asking how her day was, something I failed to do often thrughout the course of the M (yep, keeping the 180's going). That put her in good spirits, good enough to inform that she was resting in the (our) jacuzzi tub, sipping a wine and soaking, and was just thinking of things (we had some really good time in that tub after I installed it) shocked

That made my head kind of flutter and I did have the oven pre-heating for dinner and dog barking all over the yard, so she opted to let me go. Short converation, but productive.

Then, here's where things get weird. About a half hour later, she calls again, wants to know if I'm missing any money. As soon as I say 'no, I don't keep cash on hand', the phone's cut out. I call her back right away and get her voice mail and clarify the phones cut out and to let me know what is going on, figuring S12 has been hocking his video games or something at school again. No reply.

I wait an hour and call again, another voice mail. I should say this is also another 180 for me, I was always of the mindset of 'if it's that important, you'll back'. No reply.

Now, it's easy to think, and after texting her another half hour later, she sasys her phone died. She finally did call back, sounding upset, says she was tired and her back was hurting, but she sounded like she was crying, I even asked, she said no.

Anyway S12 apparently took his lunch money for next month and some money from Xw's stash and bought a bike from some kid was the issue. Why would you give him $60 cash? crazy

But any way, again, she said she was just tired, and laying in her bed, like trying to give me this visual.

Eh-well.

I have my suspicion OM is seeing the door close on him and is trying to get his foot in. Dang, I wish I still lived in town. Eh, well, I have utmost faith that if she wants what she says she does, she'll do the right thing.

I haven't received any message or anything from her yet today.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1884356 - 12/01/09 02:41 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
heh, haven't posted one of these in a while:

(from the Chicago Tribune)

Mine-
Gemini (May 21-June 21) -- Today is a 7 -- You need your imagination to figure out what others want. You accomplish a lot today through practical effort.

XW's-
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- Today is an 8 -- Ideas take you in two directions at once. By afternoon you decide which path to pursue. Results are good.

Sometimes those things are just waaaaay to creepy. crazy
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1884364 - 12/01/09 02:58 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Gnosis Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/09
Posts: 1779
Quote:
Sometimes those things are just waaaaay to creepy.

And most times they are so general you read what you want into them.

Yours is telling you to mindread (A DB no-no...) and tell me when was the last time you put 'practical effort' i.e. using your hands and you didn't accomplish anything?

As for your wife's... ahem... maybe she wants a new hair-do. One direction is to DIY or the other is go to a salon. Either way, results are good.

What makes you think I don't believe in Horror-scope? wink

Dylan you're focusing WAAAYYY too much on this. Find something else to occupy your mind. What's happening with your cousin and your moving out?
_________________________
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married
4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT

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#1884401 - 12/01/09 04:12 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Gnosis]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
LOL, no typically I read them at the end of the day to see how close they really were.

I do not use them to set the tone or direction of the day at all, just entertainment purposes. YOU my friend, are reading way too much into that. grin

I have plenty to occupy my time with a shrinking desk from incoming work, and the work of others it seems.

My cousin, well, she seems to think I'm just going to up and move in with my XW. I caan't stress how there is no way in the world that will be. XW has A LOT of clearing her head and life of OM. I have to get my finances and everything else straightened out, and without extra income, that ain't happening no time soon. frown

In the mean time, if XW wishs to get together for dinners minus the kids, cool. Go out for a night, awesome. It's a chance to rebuild should she so se fit. And right now, XW needs to show me she is willing to do that, if not, life goes on. wink
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

Top
#1884406 - 12/01/09 04:20 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Gnosis Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/09
Posts: 1779
Quote:
YOU my friend, are reading way too much into that.

You betcha!! Guilty as charged. grin

Quote:
In the mean time, if XW wishs to get together for dinners minus the kids, cool. Go out for a night, awesome. It's a chance to rebuild should she so se fit. And right now, XW needs to show me she is willing to do that, if not, life goes on

You know what Dylan? THAT ^^^^^^^ is the healthiest thing I've heard you say in a LONNNNG time.

Way to go! I, for one, hope to see more of this guy hanging around here and telling us how good life is.

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