I must say, I have come far to not have any emotion or thought of them and let her speak candidly of him, whereas before even just referencing OM as him or you know who would just bring my blood to boil.
Dday, I hear what you're saying, but don't give her TOO much deference/respect when speaking of them. This:
Quote:
I just replied now, no, but if I could ask, are you? We'll see where that goes.
is too supplicating, in my opinion. Now is the time for calm STRENGTH, and loving boundaries.
Perfect. Now is the time to ask her to send him a "no-contact" letter, and to set up a full transparency plan with you. You'll know in short order how sincere she is then.
Way ahead of you Puppy, as said, she knows NC is a must or no-deal. And, as indicated by XW's message, OM is now not talking to her so he's getting the picture, hell she painted the picture right in front of him. Game's up buddy.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Now is the time for calm STRENGTH, and loving boundaries.
Yes, which is why I'm letting her handle that on her own for the moment. She already knows, NC is a must and I will let her deal with it for now. She needs to end that, lose the contact and assure me of it and set her head straight. She's far too fragile to be barking orders at right now, and quite honestly, it's not my position to do so at the moment.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I must say, this seems like an amazing turnaround. I know this has been said before, but be very careful for yourself, and it looks like you are doing so.
Wishing you luck, man, and strength whatever you run into coming up!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I'm happy for you if that's what you want. I agree with Puppy and others; about the no-contact and transparency. Make her work and show you she truly wants this. I think going slow would be good for you and your boys also. I think she has to earn back your trust, and really work for that.
Perfect. Now is the time to ask her to send him a "no-contact" letter, and to set up a full transparency plan with you. You'll know in short order how sincere she is then.
Way ahead of you Puppy, as said, she knows NC is a must or no-deal. And, as indicated by XW's message, OM is now not talking to her so he's getting the picture, hell she painted the picture right in front of him. Game's up buddy.
I'm sorry, but that seemed like a dodge of an answer, Dday, unless I'm not understanding you properly.
DID you ask your wife to send a no-contact letter to OM, and DID you insist upon a boundary of total transparency with you?
It's not enough to say "she knows where I stand" on these critical issues. A no-contact letter, the content of which should be approved by YOU, and which should be MAILED by you (so that nothing is added) is imperative so that OM understands that just because they're not in contact NOW, doesn't mean he can re-initiate it LATER. It also lets him know that SHE will not be initiating it later.
Transparency is her sharing her log-on/passwords for e-mail, Facebook, etc., and getting detailed billing on her cellphone (after changing #s, preferably), the bill now going to YOU. Exchanging daily schedules, leaving her phone out and unlocked, etc.
Have you discussed ANY of these specifics with her?
Well, Puppy, I see where you are coming from and that's where it gets complicated.
I'm sorry if in my giddiness last night if I mislead anybody, but it's not like she's coming home or anything, we don't have a home or M anymore. All of this just came to surface in the past few days and what she says she wants to do. She has not made a commitment yet that this is what she will do.
So if I just start laying out what she can and can't do, I'd might as well start throwing darts at the calander for March of next year, as that is when she'll speak to me again at the earliest. However, when she "wanted" to come home previously, and we had a home and a MR to come home to, YES, I did at that time lay those boundries. And each and everytime since, especially now this time given how serious she seems, I only remind her, those boundries have already been set and she knows what she needs to do.
I don't know, does that make any sense?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
No, not really -- I'm kinda confused (but then again, I haven't really followed your sitch, as I said). You mentioned moving to "Piecing," which is why I thought you two were talking about reconciling.
If not, then I'd just suggest you go slow and date each other, and see where it leads. But I think you need to do so with your OWN heart set on the fact that she will probably still be in contact with OM. If you can date your own wife while she's still seeing someone else, more power to ya, but I couldn't.
Otherwise, it's not really a boundary; it's more like a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."
If she claims she's ended it, but you're not yet willing to discuss no-contact and transparency with her, then your reply should be "I really wish I could believe that," or some variation.
