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Gnosis #1884790 12/02/09 12:32 AM
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Make sure you're not plan 'B.'


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
Joined: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Make sure you're not plan 'B.'


ohhh, absolutely. The ball is in her court to show me as she eludes to, I was 'Plan A' all along, but she lost sight of that.

Much like yesterday, I put the notion to make and mantain contact on her for the day. We went back and forth on a few messages until about 10am then everything stopped, minus a text I had to send around 1pm regarding S11's P.E. teacher emailing me that he's about to be serving a detention for not being prepared again for class and has not turned in one assignment all quarter. No reply.

As 8pm rolled around and no contact I got to thinking, 'well, either A) she's gotten cold feet B)she's afixed on clearing her mind of OM, or C) she's with OM. Either way, I said to myself it doesn't matter, if she wants this, she's the one to work for it, I can go in any direction I see fit. [and it feels really good to have that mindset by the way]

No sooner than I clear my head of that, XW calls. smile Turns out she had a chaotic day at work, got 'home' late, and had since getting home was dealing with the situation of S12 and the other kids's parents regarding getting her money back for the bicycle the kid try to sell him. What a mess that was. crazy

so we worked together on that issue, than S11's school problems. Heh, the kid seems to have forgotten already what it's like to have dad AND mom tag team you when you slack off. Of course S12 refused to get on the phone as we still have yet to find out where exactly he got all the money to purchase this bike.

So, mainly an all business call, I wasn't about to probe to find out how things were going otherwise, she can tell me when she's ready or wanting to. It was getting late and she needed to do laundry and was just frustrated with the boys (and referencing how it sucked to be doing it 'alone') but had to go and get them ready for school today and all.

A few minutes after we hung up, her tone of frustration got the better of me and I didn't want her screaming at the boys, so I just shot a text 'hey, be calm but in control with them. Sorry I can't do more, but there's only so much I can do through a phone'. Not with intent to be cruel or anything, just a tap on the shoulder as reminder of not only how things are, but also what she said she misses. So, we'll see.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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You sound like you're head is in the exact right spot, good for you.

The only thing I may nit-pik with is the last text you sent...I understand the intent but sometimes texts can be taken wrong because the person reading doesn't know the "tone".

Keep up the good work.


Me:40
W: 39
T: 17 years
M: 15 years
S-9
D-6
D final 11/10/2009

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."



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Originally Posted By: volleydog
You sound like you're head is in the exact right spot, good for you.

The only thing I may nit-pik with is the last text you sent...I understand the intent but sometimes texts can be taken wrong because the person reading doesn't know the "tone".

Keep up the good work.


Hey v-dag.

Nah, it's ok, she' knows without question my tone where the kids is concerned. And if whatever reason she mis-read it, there suredly would have been a response, and she no problem exchanging 'goodnight wishes' later on. So, it's cool.

Yes, I am very happy with where my head is at right now. It's nice to finally know, from the person who made me feel so unwanted, so rejected, and so worthless, that I am not. And it is really nice to have the stance that I can chose whoever I want to be with. They may hurt me the same as XW did, or they may not, so it's up to XW to show me why I should chose to be with THE person who DID hurt me that way.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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So this little exchange transpired after XW made inital contact this morning with "mornin!" and some small talk insued, then:

XW: did (cousin) tell you to stay away from me?
me: no. why
XW: just don't want you in trouble, but can't stop thinking about you!

[pause as my phone memory was full and had to delete messages]

XW: sorry
me: sorry for what?
XW: if that made you uncomroftable
me: no, not at all
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right

I was walking back to my building, thinking, ok, this can no longer continue via text, nor even a phone conversation. If XW is proclaiming that she is willing to actually take the action and throw caution to the wind and work at a new relationship, that needs to be done in person. I need to hear this first hand, face to face. Then (and here's where puppy dog tails gets his treat) the boundry of OM being 100%, no ifs ands or buts about, GONE will be laid out. And we'll have to establish a transparency plan that ensures me of this.

Then, things will "flow" nice and slowly, casual outtings with the kids first while she clears her head of him. Progress will monitored for re-assurances that NC has been established, and yes, I like the idea that a letter be written, and approved by me, and mailed by me (and yes, I know his address so it will be going to the right place). Now, she opened up another can of worms in the fact she got him a job at her work. Well, guess what, she'll just have to get him out of a job there.

And once those assurances are established, we can then let that "natural" thing ride it's course like a normal relationship (that obviously has a more objective goal to it).

Thoughts, critisisms?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
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Quote:
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right
Keep in mind you know the mood I'm in this week! Plus, I'm a natural worrier. But....that sounds like typical WAS speak to me, "whatever flows natural and feels right"? I think esp. with kids involved, things have to go slow, and she will have to do work to earn on the R and to earn your trust back. If she's ready to do that fine, but if not, I think you need to run for the hills....D, I do think you have the right attitude now, but if she's not willing to get on board, then that's a huge red flag, which I know you already know.


Last edited by karen43; 12/02/09 05:36 PM.

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karen43 #1885204 12/02/09 05:39 PM
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Completely agreed Karen, that's the basic plan.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 691
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Sounds like a great plan...Letting her know things can't flow naturally if OM is in picture at all.


Me:40
W: 39
T: 17 years
M: 15 years
S-9
D-6
D final 11/10/2009

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."



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Yes, yes, exactly VD, um volleydog.... smile


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karen43 #1885228 12/02/09 05:47 PM
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ah crap, now my thread's got VD! sick

grin

comedy break


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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