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Trying the no contact separation

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Okay. I have been married 2 plus years. I am in the Army Reserves and was deployed several years ago long before i met my wife. last october my wife lost her job at the school she taught at and continued to work at her part time job periodiacally. Every year I go away for several weeks and while i was gone for three weeks in august my wife left. she has an apartment near her mothers house but doesn't want me to know where. its a good two hours away from our house.
we had an arguement prior to our anniversary in which she expressed her desire to have a trial seperation. i was the typical husband and i couldn't beleive any of what was happening to me. she asked about counseling and i said i didn't want to see a stranger about our problems. we discussed children and the fact she may not be able to have any and like an idiot i told her i wanted my own children and adoption was out of the question. i thought we had come to an agreement and went out for our anniversary twice because the movie we went to see sold out that was in july. in august i went away for three weeks. we talked every night on the phone the second week she went to a confrence for her coaching job its part time also. when she returned she aparently called the movers and by the time i came back she had taken everything. i got a text message from her the night i was to arrive home. my father and a freind showed up and talked to me so i wouldn't flip out.

i arranged to meet my wife that sunday (two days later) things didn't go so bad i was very emotional begging and pleading. she agreed to see me again. i met her at a mall and had her help me pick out weddign gifts for some friends of ours. i went to the wedding by myself. we made a date and went bowling we had fun and then she went out of town for work again. several weeks went by and i convinced her to go to counseling. she went and the therapist told us to make a date. after the session we spent several hours together. we planned a date and went on a haunted hay ride. i think it went okay we laughed alot and she commented on my hair and it was nice to see me shaven.

i had been calling her like everyday i know it was a bad move. we sceduled some more sessions which she claimned to be sick. the flu was going around and she couldn't talk on the phone she had no voice. so the fourth session was coming up and i reminded her about it but she told me she wasn't going to make it and wrote me an email. in it she dropped the bomb. i was shocked as i thought things were going better. so i left her be for a whole week and asked her to go to the next session. i cleaned the whole house and took her all the possesions of hers i could find. she showed up for the session and the therapist asked me to step out for a few min. i came back and my wife had told her that the relationship is over but she wanted us to be freinds. i was upset and she left and waited for me in her car for 30 mins. or so. I went out to our cars and we talked and decided to go to a local coffee shop. she loaded all the stuff in car and we left.

we talked for a few hours again and we laughed she even started the ribbing. a woman i do business with suggested to me i should take my wedding ring off before the next time i met my wife. she had taken hers off in september. while i was eating i saw her look at my hand and then back to me and then back to my hand. she looked very hurt from the realization of what i had done.

we hugged and she said she would look in her appartment for more of my stuff she took when she moved out i made 14 boxes of her stuff she left behind and i got a shoe box. she wrote me another letter confessing to me her sins against me. she didn't repsect me and all the decisons i made about our future. i work a full time job and have a business on the side. she claimed she flirted with men to help boost her ego she claims nothing ever happened. she was sorry for not keeping the house in order.

so i have read several books she moved out "the divorce remedy" among others i have decided to leave her alone and not call or anything.

over the holiday my family text her. my brother sent her a message telling her he was sorry they had not talked lately and if there was anything he could do to help he would be there for her. my father wished her a happy thanksgiving and hoped things were different.

so here is my current dilema. yesterday after work she text me "555-5555 is mom or dad? my old phone wont turn on" i waited and knowing it was brother called him and asked why my wife would be asking me about his phone number.

once i realized what he had done i simply replied "neither its my brothers #. i get "ohhh ok. i don't have anyones in my book thanks." so then she text me "5555 is moms right?"

i replied again nope thats dads number. i waited several mins and text her "moms # is 5555" and to that she replied "thanks jeepmanw518 bunches!)" to that i have replied nothing.
my original plan was to not call her until the 18th of november and offer to meet her for coffee at a borders in the mall. i had planned on meeting her for 20 minutes and then tell her i have shopping to finish before christmas and leave her wanting more.

the phone thing bugs me because she knew it was someone from my family and she could have called them instead of asking me who it was that contacted her.. maybe i shouldn't have responded

I have been working on me since she left. I have been going to counseling privately and anger management through the Army. I have been doing the Army thing for 11 years and I know I have picked up some bad habits.

she thought i would be so mad when she took all her stuff( i was) but she left the couch and the tv's but took the bed. i have spent a year in the desert with 40 guys in a 100'x50' tent
with much less(power, running water, beer). it so reminds me of college and crappy looking furniture. lol. it really does suck though

i bought a WII last week because she took ours and have been losing weight from stress. I thought that I would like to use it again since i have been throwing myself into my work. i need a break from life and it was that or get a puppy. she took her dog also and i never thought i would miss the dog either.

she moved without having a job. I have been paying for our car and health insurances as well as the mortgage and all other utilites. she got a job at an insurance agency and lasted three weeks before they let her go. i'm not sure why she hasn't tried to find a teaching job except alot of schools are cutting music.

i gathered from her facebook page she started a new job today after a month of looking for another job. its a temp job. the aprtment she rented is a month to month lease. all things that pointed too when she moved out she wasn't sure if she wanted this to be permanant.

she gave me the "I love you but not the way I should" speech after she moved out. the therapist told me don't believe everything you hear and less than 50% of what you see. which i also read in the divorce remedy book.

so i'm not giving up on her. it has been very hard to not talk to her.

I have been talking to my best friend and his fiance about this whole thing trying to get a womans perspective. she told me if her ex husband had tried half as hard as i am she may have taken him back.

I'm not going to say I was the perfect husband but I worked very hard to afford to live while she worked part time. i was not always home and she would make dinner for me and then when i got home and let the dog out i would go to the shop to work on stuff for the business. so she was lonely. big mistake on my part.

she had surgery in april for endometrious for the second time but this time she was on bed rest. I'm sure that i was not a great husband being that i could have been more supportive.
when she felt better she went and played in the civic band over the summer which meant trips to her mothers on wednesday's and came back on thursdays. i thought that was great seeing how last summer she had carpal tunnel surgery done to both of her wrist and couldn't play at all.

she also started a diet plan around that time. she lost 50 pounds over the next 6 months and looks great. she is now a health coach for that program.

she wrote on her facebook that she was thankful for her friends and family but "she was glad she could move out and move on and be safe" which i don't get i never abused her pyhsically but maybe thats what she has been telling people to get them to help her out?

I really love her still and hope that she will realize the grass isn't greener and that running away from her problems will not solve anything.

she was planning on going back to school next year to be a guidance counselour because so many schools have cut music programs.

thanks for reading i know this is a really long post.

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three days since she text me and i haven't called.

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she has overdrawn our joint bank account more than once since she left. i noticed she has been getting netflix with that account. should i close that account?

i asked her to release me from our cell phone account so i could get my own plan but when i tried to do that she had a portion of the bill in collections so i payed the over due amount and the current bill.

i will go this weekend and see if its feesible to stay on the account and pay it or get my own and let her deal with loosing the phone.

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Hi NB. Sorry to see you in this forum.

Yes, you need to close the joint account.

Unless you are going to pay the entire cell phone bill, get your own.

As for the rest, let me ask you this. Are you ready for the long haul? This is a situation that will not be resolved overnight. I am willing to give you some advice, but not all of it is going to be pretty.

what do you say?


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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i think she really doesn't know what she wants. she moved closer to her parents. but when we were in counseling she said to the therapist that when we go out we have fun together and we get along.

I love her very much and I am willing to do what ever it takes to get her back. even if it takes till next christmas to resolve all our issues.

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You either need to close the account, or get your name off of it. Same with the phone.

How old are the two of you? How long did you know her before you married? How much have you beem home, and not deployed, in that time? Despite the length of your post, there is still a lot of backstory missing!

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We are both 28 right now. we dated for a year lived together for a year after that and got married after a total of two years. I'm a reservist now so I have only been away for summer camps two to three weeks at a time.

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I have not been served with divorce papers and it has been almost a month since she told me she wanted one.

should i be concerned?

should i consider filing myself or will that upset her?

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Originally Posted By: nb1
I love her very much and I am willing to do what ever it takes to get her back. even if it takes till next christmas to resolve all our issues.


You wrote the above yesterday which makes we wonder why you are even considering the below:

Originally Posted By: nb1
I have not been served with divorce papers and it has been almost a month since she told me she wanted one.

should i be concerned?

should i consider filing myself or will that upset her?


I think you need to stop and take a deep breath and just relax a little bit. You seem to be all over the place on this right now. Take a time out from worrying about what your W is and isn't doing and all the why's of what it might mean. Instead work on your GALing and making positive improvements in you.

S4H

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When everything is spinning in your head, the best thing to do is nothing.

Just wait.

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