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Thanks GIMA, I did mention it to him. I have no idea if he will control his mouth in the future, but I did make it short, sweet and simple and he heard me. I also told him to call if he was going to be late = as he was 1 1/2 hrs late.

He seemed to calm down when I "listened and validated" his need for space after that -= he said he is "really busy and stressed"???? and wanted time in the house alone if I don't want him to take S to his apartment for the night. In a good faith effort, I went to my neighbor's and watched tv for a few hours.

I feel like well he moved out why is he complaining he has no time for himself. But I did a 180 on my usual fighting stance - I would have normally just said that to him and said I'm not leaving my house. I am hoping the listening and validating tactic works - seems to be in that he is TALKING more and YELLING less (something the MC advised me on). However, I'm scared I'm just letting him have his way with getting nothing in return. Oh well, that is part of DB isn't it? Trying to meet their needs so they feel safe and supported without expecting anything back? In that way, I was successful.

However it still feels like crap because I'm afraid I'm just letting him push me around - at least I'm insisting he be doing it more calmly smile. Anyone who has followed my sitch knows the kind of verbal abuse he's doled out for so long. At least I'm dealing iwth getting that under control.

As for him coming back eventually? As for a Busted Divorce? Still seems like a huge huge road. Trying to focus on the small changes and successes.


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Keep yourself focused on the now.

And pick your battles on the things which are worth fighting over. On the ones that are truly non-negotiable, make those boundaries. Otherwise, giving a little is not a bad thing. Just don't become the only one giving or become a doormat.


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That's where I'm confused - when am I being a doormat vs. when am I picking my battles?


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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
That's where I'm confused - when am I being a doormat vs. when am I picking my battles?


This is a tough question to answer. But I'll try.

It has to do with how you view yourself.

How do you feel after doing or not doing a particular thing? Pick an issue and the way you handle it - does the way you handled it make you feel strong or weak?


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Well last night, I felt mixed. One the one hand, it was good because I didn't want to stay in the house knowing H didn't want me there - that makes me feel tense, like I'm getting psychic barbs. But I also felt weak because I was kind of letting him chase me out of my own home. I felt scared that if I didn't leave, he would continue his anger and blame and I didn't like that I was intimidated.

So, for the moment, it felt good because I protected myself from H's abuse and anger. Overall, however, I wish he would give more. I guess the strength came in facing the reality that H wouldn't compromise so I took care of myself and my own feelings.

Maybe it's like we don't want the WAS to cut us out of their lives, but in facing it and taking care of ourselves anyhow, we have personal power. It's not the power in "getting our way" - getting WAS to be with us because WE want them to - but it's the power in "letting go" and taking care of our selves and making good choices without expecting to control the external situation and outcome. That's DB, right?

It was kind of a GAL move - like "Ok, you don't want me around - I'm fine anyhow". And heck, I had fun at my neighbor's = we watched a good show and had some laughs. It was nice to feel welcomed and wanted.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/11/09 03:54 AM.

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This is good:

Quote:
Maybe it's like we don't want the WAS to cut us out of their lives, but in facing it and taking care of ourselves anyhow, we have personal power. It's not the power in "getting our way" - getting WAS to be with us because WE want them to - but it's the power in "letting go" and taking care of our selves and making good choices without expecting to control the external situation and outcome. That's DB, right?


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I get panic attacks before my H comes over - anyone else ever feel that way? The other night, I literally threw up when he was here. I get nausea in my stomach when he's coming over or when he's here.

Any advice?

I don't know what it's from - from all the abuse over the past eight months, over the stress and ackwardness of "DB"ing correctly, fear of his anger, fear of him leaving, or just the pain of separation and detachment? Trying to fake being strong in the face of this pain.


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Quote:
I don't know what it's from - from all the abuse over the past eight months, over the stress and ackwardness of "DB"ing correctly, fear of his anger, fear of him leaving, or just the pain of separation and detachment? Trying to fake being strong in the face of this pain.


All of that you have just mentioned. Stress can do strange things to us and our mind & body can endure just so much.

I don't know how you feel about taking medication for this, but I think you need to see a doctor who will give you something to help with the attacks. People can have heart attacks if enough of that stuff happens long enough.

I had heard of panic attacks before, but had never experience it until I had my WAW issues. Then.....not too long ago, I had some type of "melt-down" when my physical pain was so bad, but it was the emotions I was feeling that I didn't understand. When I explained it to another person, they said it sounded like a panic attack. It was awful and my heart sure goes out to anyone who has them. I don't know how you would handle very many.

Just wanted you to know somebody cared, sweetheart. Please take care of yourself.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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THanks,Sandi! The support means more than you know. I survived. Somehow tonight went ok. No fights.

I have been thinking about seeing a dr. about panic attacks. I've never in my life had them like this. I must say it's bizarre. I had a melt down last month too - and ever since, I"ve just been feeling panic attacks - usually around H showing up, occasionally just thinking and worrying about the whole sitch.

Shakey, headaches, nausea, vomitting, and it's so weird. It must be emotional, but it feels like it's out of control - like some bug is making me freak out. So, as much as I hate meds, it may be all I can do at this point.

Sandi, I'm not familiar with your sitch. What instigated your panic attacks? What helped them go away?

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/12/09 03:46 AM.

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I've found this great transcript of a radio show - this couple has been through hell and back and they are good at detailing many of their tips for success - guess what - they are so similar to DB!

Hope you like it...
http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/transcript11.php


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