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Sandi, thanks. I understand that many people can't relate and it is hard for them to hear because it is so painful. I would feel that way too if I were on the outside looking in.

I'm trying to learn how to stand up to him as I have just only recently - since being on this board actually - realized I was verbally abused.

My main issue is my child.


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Another good day of babysteps. I asked H to call to discuss Sep. papers and although he did not call me back that night - which irks me - I stayed cool and let it go. H called me the next day and we talked successfully - no fights, I did not show any emotion, no begging or crying. It used to be everytime we talked re: separation, I would do the no-no - cry, plead, etc.

so I stayed cool like no biggie. this is big improvement for me. We talked about some other stuff too.

When H came home it was way better than it had been, although it wasn't fabulous or anything. But the abusiveness has mellowed again. He began tossing orders at me when I walked in the door, which I hate, but they weren't as anger filled as usual, so I let them slide. We had an ok dinner - H still is insisting on disciplining S through dinner but he stopped just short of being too harsh, as he often is. It just felt like he was trying to hold back his anger, and that means a lot.

H was still snappy at me a few times- he doesn't realize how he raises his voice and has this whiny, irritated tone. It's really horrible.

Now that he's not actively verbally abusive, and I'm starting to have hope that we are working on things due to the therapy and his more recent openness and attempts to control his temper, I can see the problems that drove me away in the first place coming out. He's still difficult to live with. It's still painful, even when he's at baseline. Like he starts shouting "Get the cat! Get the cat off me!" in this voice that sounds like panic and a demand - so I rush over and grab the cat, then he gets annoyed at me that the cat was clinging to his pants and pulled (a tiny) thread. He shouts at me, "He tore at my only pair of pants! Calm down!" Seriously? Me calm down? He was the one freaking out and shouting orders and I am supposed to calm down?

Well it's uncomfortable (but not torture) and I am now conscious of what I put up with for so many years that led me to start spending every evening and weekend out doing theatre. I just feel like I can never do anything right.

It's still a marked improvement from his months of extremely angry behavior.

I went out to GAL after S went to bed - watched a movie with GF. When I returned it just kills me that he gives me the silent treatment. Not even a hello or good night. Ugh. I keep praying for a better day. However, even before we were separated, he was so cold. Never a hug or kiss hello or good bye. So, is that so far off from how he used to be? Or is it still his way of communicating rejection and anger?

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/17/09 08:58 AM.

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ok, I'll just keep journalling...

So my new attitude of strength seems to be working. Working hard in therapy on not taking any verbal abuse and it goes along with DB in terms of GAL, 180s, focussing on self, detaching, dropping the rope, etc.

I told H point blank that I'm thinking of taking S to the snow. This has been a "family" winter tradition and instead of asking H to come I did my 180 and did not mention him at all. He says "Hey, I should be able to come" and starts throwing out ideas for dates and hotels. I couldn't believe it. If I had asked him to come he would have said no. Since he wasn't invited, he wanted in! If he changes his mind, I'm still going - working hard on regaining my power.

It's up in the air, and I still said we'd sleep in separate rooms because inside I'm getting stronger. I'm no longer the "LBS" who will do anything to get WAS back. I'm getting clearer each day that he has a lot of work to do before I accept him back. Everyday he calms down is a step -= and today he was calmer than yesterday.

S5 had a holiday singing concert at his preschool and we all got along great. I do not want to get my hopes up but things are starting to turn more stable around here.


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Hope,

Even though I haven't posted to your thread a lot lately, I'm watching, and I'm sure others are too.

Everything looks good. Just don't get your hopes up. Remember NO EXPECTATIONS - and that is hard not to allow to happen. I know.

One other suggestion about this:

Quote:
I told H point blank that I'm thinking of taking S to the snow.


Next time, don't tell him you are "thinking" about taking S, tell him you "are" taking S. If he decides to join, then great. If not, go anyway.

Hang in there.


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Thx GIMA, will do. I thought the same thing afterward, so I booked the room - for me and S. The rest is up to H.

Had a nice morning with H and S since S is now out of school.

When H started shouting orders and demands, I handled it will calm and cool. I said I get it, end of discussion.


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Sounds like you are doing much better. Once you recognize the difference in how you handle things you know that even if H isn't making the necessary changes, you are. And that's what matters right now. If H recognizes them too, it may give him that boost in the butt to follow in your footsteps. You're doing great!


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Thanks, Britt, good to see you over here. H has been responding to my new strength in combo with the MC> I'm really hopeful - although as GIMA says, don't get overly so!


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Well, more positive signs. Early evening was challenging as we talked out some parenting disagreements (but we did so trying to really hear each other instead of arguing and shutting down!).

Afterwards, I went out for a GAL - a good play some friends of mine are in. When I returned, H was here. Usually he ignores me, sucked into his computer, but we started chatting and opening up and relaxing - we actually started talking like old times. I don't remember feeling that comfortable with him since the bomb. No big things, we were just joshing back and forth, in a connected way, and it was great to feel him FINALLY dropping the defensive, angry, know-it-all front he's been putting up.

H softened, cracked, and I saw a peek of the more vulnerable H that I haven't seen in many long months. I feel really good.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/20/09 09:22 AM.

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H4L

Just read your stich... wanted to say "hi" and tell you that I think you are strong and doing the right thing.

I myself am a wishy washy type. Never been that way before but lately, being lost in my mess, it seems to be the order of the day.

I will Pray for you as I do all. I hope things go super great for you from here on out.

You give me hope as I read. I have popped in a few times but never know what to say to folks.

I will keep watching. God Bless!


Me 43 / W 40
T 29 / M 15
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11/4/09-ILYBINILWY
11/10/09-Separated
12/1/09-W admitted EA
12/5/09-W admitted PA
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PatPat! Thank you!

Yes, cross our fingers and thank God things are showing signs of turning around. I'll check in on your sitch later.

Another good day with H - the BEST yet.

The open, softer H was back - ALL DAY. This is unheard of, people. I have not experienced this since pre-bomb eight months ago. We even had a family hug with S. We all made Christmas crafts - gingerbread houses and ornaments and H was fully participating. Lots of chatting, talking, laughing - nothing heavy.

The miracle is that the verbal abuse is lessoning - perhaps because of the holidays, perhaps because H has a few days off, perhaps because our finances are settled, perhaps because we started MC, perhaps because I've been stronger and standing up to him, perhaps a little of all these things.

And the few times he was the least bit snappy -= and they were very few and light - he apologized immediately.

It really is like the old days. Well, except he doesn't live here smile But he is here half the time and we are talking again - both about parenting issues, and in just a real fun way we used to when we were married and things were good.

God help us in MC we'll be able to carry these good communications into the harder stuff of our marrraige - we did last week bring up that we want to learn how to have a stronger and more healthy marriage-= that perhaps we never really had it to begin with. Like so many of you have said - the old R is dead and we are here to build a new one (or be done). So the rebuilding stage begins....

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/21/09 02:19 AM.

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