No, I haven't signed anything. He has put in the agreement a commitment to five months of MC but says now he considers it "family therapy" and that he sees no way I will change and he should have never married me in the first place. But he's agreeing to the MC "because I asked for that to be in the agreement" WTF??? I'm not sure if I should take him at his word on this one or not. He may just be too proud and powerful to admit he has any hope, and he may be just willing to go through the motions to get what he wants and fast, without drawing out a D. I just don't know.
Well, I realize I only hear one side of it, but it sounds to me like he's the one with a personality problem and is unlikely to ever change. He sounds like a bully to me.
Thank you, Lotus. I have been told this by - well, everybody. Time for me to believe it and stop being bullied.
I had a great talk with a woman today who is going through a similar sitch - and she put her foot down early on. She told her H that he has to do fifty percent of the changes or the marriage is over.
I have been under the impression that for DB to work, I have to do one hundred percent of the changes. But I see how I act like a silly doormat by basically taking all the blame for our issues and promising to do anything to save the marriage. I thought this was under the catagory of personal responsibility, but I have instead allowed him to continue his illusion that he has no emotional responsibility for the problems in our marriage.
Now I have to stick to it. I have to be ready to walk for good if he doesn't admit changes he needs to make.
Hope, this is NOT why you are sticking up for yourself. You CANNOT control what your H does/says. You are not doing this to obtain a result from him.
You are doing this for YOU, and only YOU. Do what is right for YOU.
If you stick up for yourself, or take any other action for that matter, with an expectation it will make H act/say something, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Take a few deep breaths, then think about why you are reclaiming control and your self-esteem.
Thank you GIMA, as always. I'm slowly but surely coming out of my shell to do this.
No. DBing is not about 100% of the changes to save the marriage. It's about understanding the changes you want to make FOR YOU. Then if those changes help save the marriage, awesome.
The part of the 100% being on you is that yes, if you want to save the marriage you may have to "deal" with some crap in the beginning while the WAS figures some things out. But it does not mean only you change....eventually the WAS changes too or you're right, it won't work.
Please forgive me for speaking plainly. When I read your sitch, I hear a description of a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive to you and your son. This is not a situation where I think 50/50 custody would be healthy for the child.
Limited visitation - maybe.
If you agree with my assessment, please start getting your ducks in a row from a documentation and legal advice standpoint.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I had a great talk with a woman today who is going through a similar sitch - and she put her foot down early on. She told her H that he has to do fifty percent of the changes or the marriage is over.
Hope,
You are responsible for your 50% of the MR and your H the other 50%. You need to give 100% to your efforts to effect change in yourself (i.e. your 50% of the MR)in order to hopefully sway your H to want to make positive changes of his own (i.e his 50% of the MR).
From your description of things your H is acting like a complete a$$. He needs to understand that when it comes to sharing your S5, he needs to be an adult and be fair and reasonable. Dia is right- this behavior of his could adversely affect the amount of custody he is awarded in regards to S5 in the future.
Is there anyone in your extended family that could have a frank conversation with your H about your sitch- preferably male- someone who might have a chance of setting him straight? What about your MIL?
You need to continue working on not putting up with your H's crap anymore. I still haven't finished "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson- I've been too busy with work and my own damn D- but I've liked what I've read thus far. I recommend you pick up a copy for yourself.
As far as the agreement to go to MC, this is shaping up to be just what it sounded like when you first mentioned it- a ploy by your H to get what he wants. I agree with what someone else above said about your H- he is acting like a bully. The only way you are going to impress upon your H that you are serious is by playing hardball of your own. In light of recent events, I'd consult with your L regarding your next step.
Hang in there.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I am meeting with my L this week. I have been documenting the verbal abuse and plan to use this in custody. Sadly, this looks like it's going to be a big fight rather than a simple agreement.
H has told me a hundred times that he has written the agreement to be as fair to me as possible so that it won't go back and forth endlessly in court. We'll see what my L says.
As for the abuse, I still heard from him last night the same old story - that he should have seen from the beginning how innapropriate I am and how I would never change no matter how much I promised to. The missing piece is that he never once admits to his role in things.
I am moving from wanting my H back to accepting that he never will because he refuses to look at himself. I am at an all time low, feeling a depression I haven't felt for many many years.
I know I'm supposed to be doing things for myself, but all I can do is cry. This is not DB. I'm supposed to be happy, upbeat, moving on. I just can't do it. If I could afford DB coaching I would but I don't see how I can spend one extra penny right now given the circumstances.
I know I need to play hardball. I'm trying. It's just not in my heart - I want to do all the pleading and begging but I haven't. Why do I feel so devasted by his leaving when he is the one that is so cruel? What is wrong with me? I need to move on. I just don't know how.
Hope - DB is for run of the mill troubled marriages. DB will not fix an abuser. It is NOT your fault that your H behaves the way he does. Blaming the victim (you) is a classic ploy to deflect blame from himself.
When you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you protect yourself and your child, and if that means leaving and divorcing, so be it.
Remember - no matter what he says, this is not about you!
Last edited by Dia; 10/21/0901:35 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Dia is right on point. I like BigJohn's post as well.
Hope, your H has a lot of growing up to do. A real man simply doesn't treat his W the way he's treating you. Maybe he wakes up at some point, but you have to look out for you and little one(s) now.
