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#1840800 - 09/20/09 01:38 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Well he'll file for D if I don't. The set up is - do it legal sep his way, and he'll be fair in the terms.

Fight him , and he'll take me to court and we'll spend thousands on lawyers fighting out the terms.

At this point I don't have the money, but I'm starting to think I need to fight in court rather than give him what he wants.

I'm just feeling bitter tonight because in every way, I feel he gets what he wants and I get nothing. If I give him the legal sep., I get five months of MC and a guarantee H won't file for D for one year. It buys me time.

I agree it feels like a set up. I just don't know what to do. It seems in every arena - from scheduling, to any conversation really - it's his way or the high way. I have been going along with it in my effort to DB, not fight, show I am validating, not pursuing, etc. But it's starting to hurt. Today was a symbol of that. I didn't want to jump when he called me to pick up S. I'm tired of feeling powerless. But he's fighting me no matter what. I either fight back, and get blamed for fighting, or I duck his punches best I can and wind up feeling beat up.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840812 - 09/20/09 02:30 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
I'm sorry you're having a down spot.

Keep this in mind though. You're not powerless. You're never powerless. You ALWAYS have the power to say enough is enough. Or you have the power to continue DBing.

What you are doing is your choice. I'm making the same choice in my sitch. We're choosing the harder road because we see that in the long run it could be so worth it.

I hope tomorrow brings you a better day.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1840857 - 09/20/09 06:11 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
EB thanks for checking in as always. You're right, it's gotta be worth it - some day.

And thanks for the reminder I am not powerless. This has been my mantra tonight.

I fear he is with OW tonight because he was evasive. Holding my head high and doing small things for me.

Big day with MIL tomorrow. God help me.

I'm going to have no expectations of H (except that he be mean, scowly, blaming as usual - and of course skip out on the evening - lol). I'm going to play it cool, keep it light and positive, enjoy the day with my S.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840874 - 09/20/09 07:03 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
He just gets more p.o.ed and drives off like a maniac mumbling something about maybe going to the East Bay (OW i figure).


Hope,

Do you live in San Francisco? The reason I ask is because the courts there should be pretty favorable to you as a mother. Your H may not have it as easy as you or he thinks. In the event of a D, he is going to have to prove he deserves 50/50 joint physical custody. I know this because I'm going to mediation very soon up here in the North Bay (similar venue) and it's not going to be a cake walk for me even though I'm a dedicated father.

Regarding the legal separation proposal, I don't know why your H is making such a big deal out of this. The only obvious benefit to legal S over D is that you can maintain your family health insurance. Could this be some sort of power play on his part? A bluff of some sort?

Also, there is no marital misconduct issues since California is a no-fault D state. (How I wish you and I lived in Florida where Stronger lives right now.)

Hope this puts your mind a little at ease.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1840953 - 09/20/09 04:34 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Guys, listen to me: Florida was the FIRST NO FAULT state. Being no fault doesn't mean anything in terms of marital misconduct....you still can't cheat on your spouse. And if they are spending money on OP, even worse for them.

Find out more about it.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840964 - 09/20/09 05:04 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
He just gets more p.o.ed and drives off like a maniac mumbling something about maybe going to the East Bay (OW i figure).


Hope,

Do you live in San Francisco? The reason I ask is because the courts there should be pretty favorable to you as a mother. Your H may not have it as easy as you or he thinks. In the event of a D, he is going to have to prove he deserves 50/50 joint physical custody. I know this because I'm going to mediation very soon up here in the North Bay (similar venue) and it's not going to be a cake walk for me even though I'm a dedicated father.



I'm in the north bay too - Marin. My lawyer says the courts favor 50%-50% so I don't know how easy or hard it is...

As for legal sep. - health insurance is a big part of it.

As for the rest - I don't know. I'm really sad and tired today.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840973 - 09/20/09 05:30 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Stronger
Guys, listen to me: Florida was the FIRST NO FAULT state. Being no fault doesn't mean anything in terms of marital misconduct....you still can't cheat on your spouse. And if they are spending money on OP, even worse for them.

Find out more about it.



Stronger - will def ask my L about this when we meet. THX!!!!! I may just fight him on this.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840975 - 09/20/09 05:32 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
PS - my task now is to back waaaaaaaay off. Detaching. I think I'm having too many expectations. LIke STronger suggested a while back, I'm going to lighten up expectations of "scheduling" and just go on with my life. I need to stay focussed on this letting go f - keep me on track people!

\Now off to the dreaded MIL visit - ugh!



Edited by Hope4Luv (09/20/09 05:32 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841249 - 09/21/09 12:48 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
How are things?
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

Top
#1841344 - 09/21/09 02:39 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
thx for checking in, STronger.

Day with MIL went surprisingly well. I did my best DB - stayed cool - kept light, positive, fun - imagining if H was coming back in 30 days - how would I act? I just was cool and focused on having fun with S and not focusing on H. H mostly talked with his brother, and MIL was surprisingly supportive. She looked at me and said I will always be her family, no matter what happens. It was nice.

H argued with me only about S's dinner - again. I'm tired of this. I took some space from H at S's bedtime and then called him to say we need to talk about the discipline thing around dinner times. We had a calm and productive conversation about it - productive. We also talked about some things we will get into when we go back to MC - I told him I feel we need to go deeper than we have the last time we were at MC - and he agreed - He seemed to warm up last night, and having that calm tal, and being open to MC was def. babysteps!

Then H wanted to go back to his apt. I did a DB no-no , I asked him to stay. He look really sad and so did I and he said,
'ok...but don't use this against me if we D." WTF?

This thing about "if we D" is governing his behavior so much. H feels if he's staying over here and it's not just for S, then I can argue that we weren't really separated. He claims this will feel better once we are legally sep. - same old argument. It really is driving his behavior, I told him he can't control the future, he can only act from his feeling now, but I don't think I got through.

I had ahuge panic attack about OW saturday night - H has been consistently defensive and elusive about his Sat. night whereabouts, which he hasn't been for a few weeks. I cried all Saturday night. I'm still in pain over it. I am trying not to bring it up, per DB, just focus on me, let it go, not make it worse, etc...sooooooooo
hard. I told him I don't think I can be ok with him having Fri and Sat off from being with S any more. It's really more for me. He's out Fri and SAt and I"m home with S - he has opportunity to be with OW and I"m at home crying? I don't want to be controlling, but why should I enable this? H said he was "open to negotiating that".

I need to work harder on my DB -- I'm a loser in that dept. I don't back off well. I think I"m not pulling back enough to make him miss me or whatever - I'm always available and he knows I want reconsiliation, and he keeps telling me he thinks the "odds are against us," so he's acting "in case". He is weird. I dno't understand who this person is that I thought I knew or what motivates his behavior. I guess he's telling me but I don't know if I believe it.

I had a dream I murdered the OW! lol

Sorry, you got way more info than you bargained for STronger!

Thoughts? Advice?
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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