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#1878894 - 11/21/09 02:07 PM looking for advice
iamhurting Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/24/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Illinois
Hello, I just wanted some advice, anyoone. About three months ago, my husband told me that he wanted to leave me. (we have a 15 month old child). We have been together for nine years and married for three years. His reason is,"we never fixed our problems which we had for all those years" He claimed I never trusted him because I was always jealous about him with other women and was always nagging. So he claimed that he is tired of it. So I was hurt. I came to the conclusion that there had to be another women involved. So I snooped. I checked his phone, phone bills, receipts from his pockets. I found evidence that he is involved with another woman. I had called the woman but she claimed that they were just friends. For three weeks we argued because I insisted that he had something with that woman. He did not admit to it for three weeks. He finally admitted that yes, he had feelings for her but it was not mutual.
I reacted so bad and even called the woman again. We had a big argument that night. The next morning, he put a deposit for an apartment and moved in in the beginning of October. Since the time he told me he wanted to move out, I begged him and begged him and said millions of pleases, which drew him further away. A week ago, I spied on him. To make stories short, I found him and the woman in his new apartment. I reacted very bad, which made him think I am psychotic. I explained to him that I would not have spied on him and did all those crazy things if he just admitted to me that he was falling for somebody else.
Things just got worse and worse. I am so hurt that I have lost weight, couldn't concentrate at work and at home. I just couldn't believe that he left me and our child. Like I said, we always argued about my jealousy but we always managed to stay together. This would have never happened if he had not met this woman. I think that my husband is confused. Three days after he told me he wanted to leave, he was admiring the way I dressed and even mentioned that when he gets his raise, we will buy an SUV, he even kissed me in the church (when doing the sign of peace in Catholic mass). He even mentioned "when I move out, I will take the extra dresser because I don't want to buy a new one, I mig33ht come back". I just don't know what he is thinking. He doesn't feel bad at all for leaving me and our baby.


November 21. To be continued

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#1878954 - 11/21/09 06:58 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: iamhurting]
iamhurting Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/24/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Illinois
Nov.21

So I read the DR book. I tried "last resort" for a week and half. It did work. He even put the divorce on hold two times. Then one day, I told him that a second set of divorce petition came in the mail. So I asked him he was still going forward with it. He said that after he spoke with his lawyer, it is better to keep going because, what if we still do not end up together?, then he would have to file a petition again. So he said he was going forward with it. I couldn't hold my anger and said some bad words to him again, such as "i hope you die, etc, etc"

Today, it's probably been 3 weeks now. I am again doing the "last resort". I don't talk to him unless it concerns our baby. He knows I have been going out with my friends, sees me dressed up. He thinks that I have been going out on dates.

Here are my questions:

1. What are the things I need to look for if this technique is working?

2. He knows that I am not trying to work things out (not begging, not pursuing) with him anymore. How long should I wait until I tell him that I still care for him and want to reconcile? Wouldn't he think that I don't care anymore if I keep doing the "the last resort"?

3. Should I invite him for Thanksgiving dinner? or is this a way of pursuing? how about sending him a Thanksgiving card? how about a Christmas gift?

4. Should I show him any signs that I do care for him?


I am just really confused about what to do and to top it all really sad and lonely.

sometimes, I say to myself that what I need to do is to "do nothing and say nothing"

Any answer and advice would help. thank you.

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#1878969 - 11/21/09 07:28 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: iamhurting]
Gardener Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 3831
Loc: Connecticut
iam,
Originally Posted By: iamhurting
I couldn't hold my anger and said some bad words to him again, such as "i hope you die, etc, etc"
Yeh, I'd say those are bad words. whistle

Here are my questions:

1. What are the things I need to look for if this technique is working? Any small baby step changes - toward. Re-read DR. It explains it.

2. He knows that I am not trying to work things out (not begging, not pursuing) with him anymore. How long should I wait until I tell him that I still care for him and want to reconcile? Wouldn't he think that I don't care anymore if I keep doing the "the last resort"? Re-read DR Patience. Marathon, not sprint. If it works, he should start initiating reconciliation.

3. Should I invite him for Thanksgiving dinner? or is this a way of pursuing? how about sending him a Thanksgiving card? how about a Christmas gift? So, you are separated? Is Thanksgiving a big hoo-hah each year or just you and kids, if any? Do you want him there? No Thanksgiving Card. This is not a Hallmark kinda moment in your life right now. You have time until Christmas. Slow down.

4. Should I show him any signs that I do care for him? NO


I am just really confused about what to do and to top it all really sad and lonely. WE all understand that, iam.

sometimes, I say to myself that what I need to do is to "do nothing and say nothing" Often the exact right to do.

Any answer and advice would help. thank you. [/quote]

The Cavalry will arrive. But it's Saturday afternoon. People are out and it's often slow here. Have patience. The Cavalry is very wise.
_________________________
Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac



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#1878970 - 11/21/09 07:30 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: Gardener]
Gardener Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 3831
Loc: Connecticut
Also, I apologize for noticing and reading your second post only. So, I may be a bit off. Will reread in entirety later and get back to you.
_________________________
Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac



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#1879001 - 11/21/09 09:18 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: Gardener]
TooLateForMe Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/09
Posts: 407
Loc: Wyoming
Counseling. You have anger issues and likely some codependency problems as well. You (like me) are locked into old patterns that you think "worked." They didn't. Get a hold on your behaviors around him. I've been doing the same things (though nothing as extreme as you).

I react every time to my W's withholding behaviors by snapping. We're human beings and can make a choice. Choose to be pleasant because the reaction you get from being nice is the one you want. What's the reaction you get from telling him you want him to die? Do you want that reaction?

You said that "This would have never happened if he had not met this woman." Don't kid yourself. This is a symptom, not the problem. If it wasn't her, it would have been another woman.


Edited by Mark Evolving (11/21/09 09:19 PM)
_________________________
~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)

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#1879016 - 11/21/09 10:15 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: TooLateForMe]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
I read ur posting and agree with Mark. You need to work on you. Ppl wiser and much more experienced than I will be along. You can NOT control him. The sooner you accept that the better off you will be. As for the OW, ignore her. Dont even acknowledge her. Just dont. You're driving him closer to her.

SLOOOOOWWWW DOWN! This didnt happen overnight and its not going to be fixed overnight. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Forget about whats happened. Would YOU want you back? Take care of yourself. Take care of your child! Be the best parent you can be. Stay friendly , upbeat. Get out and have some fun.

Dusk

Gardenman is right, its slow sat afternoons.

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#1879040 - 11/21/09 11:31 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: PainfulDusk]
iamhurting Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/24/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Illinois
Gardener, Mark and Dusk,

I agree with all of you. I am seeing a counselor regarding my anger issues. I am working on it. I don't call the OW anymore. I agree, I have a codependency issue, because I just can't let go and don't feel like I can go on without him. But I really try to do my best to move on. It is just so hard and it is taking so long to get over it. I know, it is going to take a while.

I did accept what happened. Sometimes, it's hard when I start to think about it when I am not busy. Sometimes, I still think that there is hope, and that he will realize what he did and what he had lost, and that one day he will be willing to reconcile. I really do need to stop thinking this way because it doesn't let me move on.

I try to stay positive and stay upbeat around him when he comes to pick up our baby. Sometimes it is hard to put on a happy face, when really, I am angry at him. So I guess it is best to "do nothing, say nothing".

I am doing the "last resort technique" now. When do I give him a hint that I am ready to reconcile?

Thanks Gardener, Mark and Dusk

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#1879050 - 11/21/09 11:58 PM Re: looking for advice [Re: iamhurting]
kara Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 842
IAH

Hi. It is very slow here on the weekends, so hang tight and the experts will be along.

To respond to your query

"When do I give him a hint that I am ready to reoncile?"

You don't. HE WALKED AWAY. Not you. He KNOWS that you care and that you want to work on the M. Let him come to you. Let him raise reconciliation. It is beyond your control.

What you can control, and should, is your anger. It will only make a bad sitch worse Stay calm. Distract yourself by GALing, getting out there and enjoying life. The less time you spend dwelling on your sitch, the lesser the likelihood that you will obsess and become angry. I have/had a very exposive temper. I have learnt to control my emotions this past year. You will too. If you feel you will say/do something you will regret, leave the room or call a friend to "talk you down". Glad to see that you are working on it.


Calling the OW? So not attractive. It makes you look weak. Self confident women do not fight over men or call OW. We let men COME TO US, Because otherwise it is not really worth it.

I don't mean to be harsh but I have been here a while and I know the pitfalls to steer you away from.

((((Hugs)))
_________________________
Can't keep a good woman down

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#1879065 - 11/22/09 12:28 AM Re: looking for advice [Re: iamhurting]
Gypsy Offline
Member

Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 4577
Loc: Northeast
Hi Ms. Hurting..

Wow.. that's quite a story. Sorry to hear you're hurting so much.

How well do you know your counselor? How honest and straightforward are you in the sessions? Are you on anti-depressants? Do you drink?

In times of crisis the simplest things are the most important.

Get 8 hours of sleep.
Drink lots of water.
Exercise.
Eat more healthy food (rather than comfort crap food)
Do what it takes to be healthy.

If something hurts you, stop doing it.

Calling that woman.. hurts you and works against you.
Talking directly to you spouse hurts you because of the anger that spews, the hurt underneath it.

Fear has taken control with anxiety increasing its power.

The Last Resort Technique is for YOU, not him.

Stop what hurts you.

Instead of asking your spouse what he's planning on doing (being helpless) contact a few well respected lawyers (their initial consultations are usually free) and ask what your legal rights are.

Stop the wacky behavior. It's hard because you've never learned that boundaries that help you from going over the edge.

Boundaries are a good thing. You can do it. Make that a goal with your counselor.. and if it's not working with that person, try another.

Here's how I make a decision..

If it's the right thing to do, I do it.
If it's wrong or makes me feel weird, I don't.
If I can't decide or waffle, I don't do it.

You're worth it.

*hugs*
_________________________
Current

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

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#1879074 - 11/22/09 12:52 AM Re: looking for advice [Re: Gypsy]
iamhurting Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/24/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Illinois
Kara,
yes, I know calling the OW was unattractive. I wish I have done things differently. It's too late. I just have to watch what I do now. thanks

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