I'm all moved out and living with good frieinds. I have our cat which makes me very happy and have a very comforatable living space with my bed, TV, couch, and other comforts. I'm trying out for a play, have a partime job I can do from home lined up to get me through this transition, am writing a lot, and all considered things are going great.
HOWEVER, got an urgent sounding E-Mail from a good friend yesterday. Sounds like W has had a major nervous breakdown and there may have been a suicide attempt Sunday night. She's in the care of her mother right now and being evaluated at a hospital today to determine if she'll need in patient or out patient care.
I've witnessed her through some wild ups and downs the past six months, and every time she crashes it gets worse. I kind of wish I knew what was going on. I did talk to my W briefly. She was crying and sounded glad to hear from me, but we didn't really talk long. I talked to her mother for a while too and it just sounds like all the responsibilties she's piled on herself are crushing her, plus all of her unresolved issues that she's ignored and swept under the rug rising to the surface.
It stinks that my W is having a breakdown and I can't be with her. I want to comfort her so badly, but I know there's that chance I could do that and help her through the most difficult time of her life and she'd just reject me again. Not sure how to handle this. I've told her and her mother that I'm available to talk and help however I can. Not sure what else I can do. And I'm not sure what I should do.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Okay, another update. I spoke with my Mother In Law and found out that my W is in a psychiatric ward. It could just be overnight, or it could be as long as two weeks. OM was there with them when she was admitted which makes me feel horrible and very angry at him. He leads her down this path of self destructive behavior then gets to also play knight in shining armor when she gets to this point??? He's sick. I really hope no matter what happens to our marriage that she can see that.
I gave a letter to my MIL to give to W saying that I'm proud of her for getting the help she needs and admire her courage. I told her that I'm happy to talk or visit her if it's something she wants, but I also have no problem maintaining distance if she thinks seeing me will be bad for her. Basically I don't want to put any pressure on her. I have a feeling she did this for herself because she feels she needs to isolate herself from everything and everyone in her life and figure stuff out.
It defiantely hurts though. I want to be there for her in sickness and health etc. I know she's the one who has destroyed our marriage and rejected my support but I still feel terrible. I think I would have an easier time keeping distance if I knew more about what was going on.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
This situation is very hard. I feel like it's eating away at me a little. I've been pretty good at distracting myself and accepting that I can only do so much.
My MIL gave W my letter but she's been very occupied by what sounds like round the clock group therapy sessions etc. It makes me livid to think that OM visits her and is probably acting in a supportive role while I'm squeezed out.
There are payphones there where I can get in touch with her but it's very difficult to get through. I've tried a couple times and nobody picks up. And even if they do she might be in therapy, (which is actually good!)
I know calling her is pursuit, but given the situation I feel I can adjust my DBing. It would be wrong in this situation to feel so much compassion and not express it to her, as long as I maintain my boundary about never discussing OM or her relationship with OM and don't put ANY pressure on her about our M.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
I am so sorry to hear about all of this. It is a very delicate situation and I am not sure there is a correct way to deal with it. I understand how frightened you must be and I am glad your MIL is able to give you updates (about your W's health I mean).
I think in situations like this compassion is just right. Nobody wants to learn somebody they care about is in so much distress they need to be hospitalized. I know when I was hospitalized my H did come and I was able to tolerate it (even though I asked him not to come) but it made my sister and brother in law very angry which made me more stressed. I later learned my H sat in the parking lot in his car all night. I am not sure there is a right or wrong thing you can do right now.
Let us know how you are doing. I wish I had some great advice to offer you.
I did manage to get through to W on one of the pay phones just a few minutes ago. She sounded very bitter and cold. She said she wasn't doing well and hadn't read my letter yet. I told her that I wanted to support her in any way that I could, whether that was by visiting and talking, or by giving her space. She merely said "okay" not indicating if she even wanted one or the other. Just from her attitude I feel like she doesn't want much to do with me right now, but she could just be masking her pain with anger which she often does. She got off the phone very quickly saying she had to call her mother and that she "wasn't getting out of there any time soon."
I did not expect something like this to happen. It's driving me a little nuts, but I think I handled the conversation as well as I could have. I guess I shouldn't call her again for now. I went out for a morning drive, got groceries etc and am going to make myself a nice dinner later. I have a cartoon I'm working on which hopefully will distract me today. I also found out last night that I got a lead in the play I tried out for which made me happy and excited. I have a lot to feel good about for myself, but my heart is just aching for this awful situation.
I guess I'm just going to have to feel the pain, keep life going, and keep an eye on my W's situation. I really hope this is a turning point for her. Even if we still get divorced she deserves a happier healthier life than the one she's been living these past six months.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
I think when people are hospitalized for psychiatric care it is generally a very overwhelming experience. There are group therapies that are not optional, everything is very structured, you are meeting new dr's and you are surrounded by people that are in dire straights. New medications are being introduced and I can imagine it's pretty frightening an awful lot to process.
I think you handled things very well. All we can do for another human being in such medical distress is let them know we are available if they so desire.
I am very glad to hear you have some GREAT distractions (new work, the play). It might help to sort of throw yourself in to a new project.
Thanks again. It does sound very much like what you described where she is. I'm trying not to take her coldness personally. I'm sure she's very distressed and probably coming accross as angry to everyone who's reaching out to her. She's probably going to be there until Monday at least. She may not have the time and energy to even think about whether or not she wants to see me right now.
I've taken some time to just sit and be sad, my beautiful little while cat came up to me and laid down on my chest with me. She's such a comfort. I feel like I need to just eat something and focus on a project, just like you said.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
I have never had the experience myself but a very good friend of mine recently did. She was trying to deal with so much in her life (both of her parents died really suddenly within 6 months of each other, she has very serious marriage problems, her H has been out of work forever and she has three small children). She had so pressure on her and she just sort of broke down.
I know everybody has a different experience but she said all she wanted to do was rest and cry but she had to stick to a very rigid program (therapy and such) and it was exhausting. I guess, from what I understood, routine is very important.
I am glad you have your cat - pets are so great! Yes, do make yourself some food and focus on work or a project for a while. Give yourself a little break from all this worry and stress. Be well!
I did spend most of yesterday afternoon and evening working on my cartoon. Talked to MIL and a good mutual friend of W and myself, and got some good feedback that I'm doing all I can and handling things well.
I have an appointment today with my IC so I'm going to try to make the most of that.
And the cat is good! She's having a bit of a stressful time I think because we've moved into a friend's house where there were already 3 other cats and a dog! She's used to being an only child. So far there's only been one high speed cat chase!
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
