A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

The OnLine Community updates are now complete and we are up and running as usual. Thanks for your patience.
Page 43 of 53 < 1 2 ... 41 42 43 44 45 ... 52 53 >
Topic Options
#1876157 - 11/17/09 09:05 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
After putting some thought into it (and talking to BrandNewDay) I'm going to compromise and let her have him Monday-Wednesday-Friday and any weekend day she wants.

And, instead of her coming to the door each of the mornings to drop him off, she can open the side gate and let him into the yard. We have a dog door so he can get in on his own.

There's no reason I need to see her each morning. It's not healthy for me.

I want him to have the contact, it makes him happy to see her.

However, I think this was all about setting boundaries for me.
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876175 - 11/17/09 09:18 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Well, she called and said that monday-wed-fri wouldn't work and could she have mon-tue-wed.

I agreed, simple enough. She will let the dog in the gate but said if she saw D18 was still home and not gone to school that she wanted to come to the door to 'get a hug'.

?????
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876223 - 11/17/09 10:08 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: frank_D
I agreed, simple enough. She will let the dog in the gate but said if she saw D18 was still home and not gone to school that she wanted to come to the door to 'get a hug'.

?????


BrandNewDay suggests that this is crossing my boundaries and I need to tell her 'no, stay out of my house'.
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876236 - 11/17/09 10:18 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
I would insist that XW not come in your house when you are not there. It is a big intrusion on your privacy.

Having joint shared dog custody seems strange to me. I mean, if you write down the arrangement/schedule, is that called a "mastering plan"?
_________________________
Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

Top
#1876248 - 11/17/09 10:27 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: KerryK]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I would insist that XW not come in your house when you are not there. It is a big intrusion on your privacy.
I'm usually there in the morning. I just don't want to SEE her.

Quote:
Having joint shared dog custody seems strange to me. I mean, if you write down the arrangement/schedule, is that called a "mastering plan"?

ha ha ha - fail!
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876290 - 11/17/09 11:23 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
You know Frank it's OK to say NO.

You don't have to agree to every nut-brain scheme your ex comes up with. Sharing custody of the dog???? Come on .....

The dog lives with you, he's company for you, you agreed he could have a sleep over with D14, he had it ... it often seems to me like you give an inch and she takes a mile.

Enough.

You shouldn't have to see your wife in the mornings during the week - not until you are way more detached from her.

Say NO. Make a boundary that puts your needs and healing first. It doesn't make you a bad man - it makes you a man who is taking care of himself.

Chin up. v
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

Top
#1876305 - 11/17/09 11:52 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Walking]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
I agree with Virginia.

And I think it IS enabling to an extent when we allow the one who chose to walk away to hold on to the "nice" pieces of the life they walked away from.

I'm reminding myself that in the end this is about spending time with a dog.

You're still detaching Frank. You're still in the process of de-coupling. You really don't need to get caught up in these kinds of matters, no matter how seemingly simple or trivial.

It's not unkind to simply reply "no" to a request that goes beyond a kind gesture that you chose to offer. And yes, I do think that in de-coupling properly (healthily) there are times that our response to a situation could be construed to be bitchy. But you know what? That's too bad.

You have yourself to think about.


I know you're picking up on the rather consistent responses to your ponderings about your wife, what she's thinking, and what it all means. I'm not sure that you've yet accepted that continually analyzing every last detail of every last interaction is nothing more than an ice covered road for you. You slip, you slide, you get stuck, and you spend a lot of what must be frustrating time trying to find a way to just wish the ice away.


Bit by bit, row by row...at some point you have to let go of her and stop wondering/worrying/caring about what goes on in her head.



One summer, many, many years ago, I decided that I was going to read An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser. I knew it was considered somewhat of a classic, and I thought it would be good for me to read some classic literature I guess.


That was the most god awful, agonizingly boring and tedious book I ever read. I thoroughly detested that book. But I read every word from beginning to merciful end. And all along I kept thinking, "I can't wait till this book is DONE, so that I can start a NEW and BETTER book."



Aren't you about ready to start a new book Frank?



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

Top
#1876311 - 11/18/09 12:14 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Walking]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Yeah, I already told her mon - tues - wed would be ok. Now I will need to take it back.

Oh well, she will get madder I suppose. But I do need to protect my own emotional self.

And, 3 consecutive days a week would confuse the poor dog. It needs to be more random.

Left her a message to call me back.
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876319 - 11/18/09 12:58 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Yeah, she called back. I told her that I didn't want to go from her 'hardly seeing him' to a scheduled visit like he was 'shared custody'. Explained that I spoke to several people and that it will just be too confusing if he spends too much time split between homes. And I also said I'm just not comfortable with the situation and I don't have to explain myself.

I also said that I wasn't comfortable with her coming over in the morning to drop him off, knowing that she might choose to come to the door to see D18 which I see as a violation of my boundaries. This is my home and I don't want her in it.

Her response, 'Well D18 lives there too so you have to expect that I will come and see her too'.

I said that may be true, but I am not comfortable with her coming by 3 days a week with that being the potential outcome.
She got angry and said "So I can't see him at all then?"

I said "No, I just am not comfortable going from you hardly seeing him to now it's a scheduled visitation. You can certainly see him 1-2 times a week if you let me know in advance. I'm just not going to make it a regular schedule like visitation is"

I told her I would drop him off tonight when I drop off D14 since I had already agreed to it.

You're right. Give her an inch and she takes a mile.

This stuff messes with my head. Too much people pleasing but as has been said, I HAVE to protect my heart. I have to.
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
#1876325 - 11/18/09 01:15 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
I spoke with D18 about this whole thing and she said one thing

"Mom is irrational, a dog is not a person and she's trying to treat him like one. Besides, she said, I don't WANT to see her in the morning. I like my space. This morning I was cleaning the bird cage and I heard this barely audible tap on the door. She was there waving her hands in front of the window. So I opened the door and let her give me the dog and she then left. "

I feel a bit better. I think I hurt STBXW's feelings a bit but too bad.

I told D14 that I had said to her mom that she could take Skylar home with her. D14 said "Nah, why not tomorrow night dad?"

So, tomorrow it is. I'm sure that will irk STBXW tonight.
_________________________
Current Thread


Top
Page 43 of 53 < 1 2 ... 41 42 43 44 45 ... 52 53 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004