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#1862738 - 10/27/09 02:46 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: ClingingToHope]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
STBX picked up D14 a couple hours ago. I helped D14 carry her stuff out to the car. I didn't say anything, gave D14 a hug and said I see her later and turned to walk away. As I'm walking away I hear STBX say a polite "Thank you Frank".

I turned around and said "We had a lot of fun this week" and she says "That's what I heard".

I miss D14 already. I see her every day after school but it was sure nice to have her here every morning and every night.
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#1862742 - 10/27/09 02:49 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: ClingingToHope]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

She said the hardest part was getting through her H's despair. Once he accepted it, everything was fine. Turns out her ex is a guy I've known for 12 years and he's a wonderful guy.

That's really what it's all about. Getting through our despair. It seems like a lot of walkaways just 'go' and don't look back.
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#1863019 - 10/27/09 04:36 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Been thinking about things last night. Talked to my DB friend Richie and realized that it's been 4 years since the first bomb.

I DB'd my heart out and we 'reconciled' but my needs were never met by her, I was always the one who put energy into the marriage and she was happy to be cared for.

I ended up crashing, turning to alcohol to feel better, and withdrew from life. Eventually OM #2 showed up January 2008 and the end of the marriage after OM #3 in August 2008.

I realize now that when things got really bad, I came to the rescue and 'saved' the marriage the first time. But she didn't ever try or do anything to make it work. Instead, when things get bad she goes into self preservation mode and does whatever she want s to make HER happy, regardless of the effects on the kids or me.

I'm probably going to be better off without her even though it doesn't feel that way. I think I'm fooling myself if I believe she will 'realize' what a mistake this is and change. The evidence just isn't there.

Regardless, my life is worth something. I have two great daughters who love me and I love them. There's a lot to live for and I think sometimes we forget that.

Just rambling a bit, wondering when I'll actually be divorced.
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#1863037 - 10/27/09 05:03 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Happy 4 Year Anniversary.

Nice rehash of the past...again.

Somewhere inside Frank the Wolf is wondering when he can get out of Frank the Rabbit.

: )

Love ya.

Mean it.
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Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1863042 - 10/27/09 05:07 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
I know you do Jack. The Wolf is coming out.
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#1863071 - 10/27/09 05:55 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
And actually, I posted the 'rehash' to say that I have had enough. I have been abused enough.
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#1863210 - 10/27/09 09:25 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Picked up D14 from school. Instead of coming to the house with me she decided she wanted to go to the condo. Said she 'spent all last week at the house'. So I took her there. Not sure what that's about but I'm not going to dwell on it.

Haven't heard from the Legal Aid person or STBX regarding the divorce paperwork today. I was going to send an E-mail saying when I was available today / tomorrow but I think I'll wait.
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#1863349 - 10/28/09 02:22 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Frank - it's OK to be sad. It's OK to rehash - as long as that's part of your dealingwithitandgettingoverit work.

I like how you acknowledge that you are holding on to an ideal of what you would like your wife and your family to be like. You're identified that you did the stuff that needed to be done the first time around, made a safe place for your wife to come back to, but it wasn't enough because she wasn't grown.

Marriages are important and obviously worth saving if it's possible. But you are important too. You are important enough to make choices about your life that might one day include the choice to be single, rather than partnered with a damaged person. In tact families are obviously the best place for children to grow and mature - but intact families where the partners are at different spiritual and emotional maturity levels can be equally distructive for kids ... they just live with 100% dysfunction all the time, rather than a moderately dysfunctional parent some of the time.

You don't really want to be a woman's care taker do you? wouldn't you like to have a partner who is willing to meet you half way?

You will be better off when you let go of the sadness and let go of the ansgst that you feel you've failed in some way because you are getting divorced.

You haven't failed ... you're just travelling a road you didn't expect. That's not wrong, just different. And it's OK.
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Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#1863354 - 10/28/09 02:36 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: Walking]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Thanks Virginia, you're right on about the dysfunction. One of my DB friends pointed out that if W and I were to 'reconcile' now, both of my daughters would be devastated because they see their moms dysfunction and expect it to destroy me again and again.
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#1863428 - 10/28/09 09:31 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Its ok to rehash as long as Frank doesn't get sucked back into the past.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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