I don't know if it's still MLC with STBX. My counselor still thinks it's a combination of a lot of things.
One thing that is clear is that in spite of everything that has happened with my drinking and her MLC / adultery, my daughters still treat me with respect and treat their mom like she is a 17 year old. I listen to D14 talk to her on the phone and cut her off in the middle of the conversation with 'bye mom, ok mom, bye'.
She never talks to me that way.
I feel sad for her, for all of us. As one of my friends in AA said to me the other day, "You are quite the pair".
I have been continuing my 'dark' mode. If she calls I don't answer but let it go to voicemail. If I need to respond I'll text or call her back. Mostly I don't need to respond as she is just informing me of something. Now she texts me more instead of calling or has D14 call me for related things.
The other day I had to go get some insurance papers from her at her condo. I avoid going there as it's uncomfortable. She gave me a neutral 'Hello Frank' and I asked her for the papers, thanks her and left.
Everyone who I know who gives me counsel has said the same thing. Let her go, avoid contact and work on your own life. So that's what I'm doing.
It's interesting that only STBX's mother blames me for everything. "If Frank hadn't started drinking then STBX wouldn't have gone elsewhere for love" or something like that.
Other friends / relatives as what she did to contribute to the problem, and what did she do to help. It's a mixed bag between those who value the sanctity of marriage and those who don't. Regardless it's just excuses that we each can hide behind to justify our choices.
I don't have any excuses. Just shock that after STBX had an affair 3 years ago, and I stopped drinking for a year and put my heart and soul into rescuing our family that in the end she just wasn't a person who could put her heart and soul into us. and I needed that. I needed help.
I'm finally done with all that victimization, just venting it here for the last time. Like Jack said, sometimes someone doesn't want to be saved. They just give up. Well, I've always been someone who thought I didn't need help. That's been my biggest lesson. Accepting help. And letting go.
I don't hold any of this against her. I let other men help me through my feelings rather than drink and isolate. Only men can help other men.
I don't 'go dark' to get a result or to be mean. I do it for myself because I'm too reactive to her, that gives her control whether she wants it or not. I want control of my feelings, to won them instead of let them be created by others.
Ah, went for a nice dinner with D14 tonight. She got to wear her Organization XIII Cloak around town tonight with me ($100 well spent!). We had a nice time talking video game lore and other important topics.
Later this evening D18 and I went for one of our drives around the countryside like we used to do. She remarked to me that October is starting out to be a better month than any we've had for quite a while. I agree with her.
Frank - you need to get one of them there "CHANGE" bumper stickers
Originally Posted By: Times They are a Changin
Come gather round people Wherever you roam And admit that the waters Around you have grown And accept it that soon Youll be drenched to the bone. If your time to you Is worth savin Then you better start swimmin Or youll sink like a stone For the times they are a-changin.
Come writers and critics Who prophesize with your pen And keep your eyes wide The chance wont come again And dont speak too soon For the wheels still in spin And theres no tellin who That its namin. For the loser now Will be later to win For the times they are a-changin.
Come senators, congressmen Please heed the call Dont stand in the doorway Dont block up the hall For he that gets hurt Will be he who has stalled Theres a battle outside And it is ragin. Itll soon shake your windows And rattle your walls For the times they are a-changin.
Come mothers and fathers Throughout the land And dont criticize What you cant understand Your sons and your daughters Are beyond your command Your old road is Rapidly agin. Please get out of the new one If you cant lend your hand For the times they are a-changin.
The line it is drawn The curse it is cast The slow one now Will later be fast As the present now Will later be past The order is Rapidly fadin. And the first one now Will later be last For the times they are a-changin.
