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Loc: North Carolina
I agree with Virginia.
And I think it IS enabling to an extent when we allow the one who chose to walk away to hold on to the "nice" pieces of the life they walked away from.
I'm reminding myself that in the end this is about spending time with a dog.
You're still detaching Frank. You're still in the process of de-coupling. You really don't need to get caught up in these kinds of matters, no matter how seemingly simple or trivial.
It's not unkind to simply reply "no" to a request that goes beyond a kind gesture that you chose to offer. And yes, I do think that in de-coupling properly (healthily) there are times that our response to a situation could be construed to be bitchy. But you know what? That's too bad.
You have yourself to think about.
I know you're picking up on the rather consistent responses to your ponderings about your wife, what she's thinking, and what it all means. I'm not sure that you've yet accepted that continually analyzing every last detail of every last interaction is nothing more than an ice covered road for you. You slip, you slide, you get stuck, and you spend a lot of what must be frustrating time trying to find a way to just wish the ice away.
Bit by bit, row by row...at some point you have to let go of her and stop wondering/worrying/caring about what goes on in her head.
One summer, many, many years ago, I decided that I was going to read An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser. I knew it was considered somewhat of a classic, and I thought it would be good for me to read some classic literature I guess.
That was the most god awful, agonizingly boring and tedious book I ever read. I thoroughly detested that book. But I read every word from beginning to merciful end. And all along I kept thinking, "I can't wait till this book is DONE, so that I can start a NEW and BETTER book."
Aren't you about ready to start a new book Frank?
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Yeah, she called back. I told her that I didn't want to go from her 'hardly seeing him' to a scheduled visit like he was 'shared custody'. Explained that I spoke to several people and that it will just be too confusing if he spends too much time split between homes. And I also said I'm just not comfortable with the situation and I don't have to explain myself.
I also said that I wasn't comfortable with her coming over in the morning to drop him off, knowing that she might choose to come to the door to see D18 which I see as a violation of my boundaries. This is my home and I don't want her in it.
Her response, 'Well D18 lives there too so you have to expect that I will come and see her too'.
I said that may be true, but I am not comfortable with her coming by 3 days a week with that being the potential outcome. She got angry and said "So I can't see him at all then?"
I said "No, I just am not comfortable going from you hardly seeing him to now it's a scheduled visitation. You can certainly see him 1-2 times a week if you let me know in advance. I'm just not going to make it a regular schedule like visitation is"
I told her I would drop him off tonight when I drop off D14 since I had already agreed to it.
You're right. Give her an inch and she takes a mile.
This stuff messes with my head. Too much people pleasing but as has been said, I HAVE to protect my heart. I have to.
Loc: Ventura County, CA
I spoke with D18 about this whole thing and she said one thing
"Mom is irrational, a dog is not a person and she's trying to treat him like one. Besides, she said, I don't WANT to see her in the morning. I like my space. This morning I was cleaning the bird cage and I heard this barely audible tap on the door. She was there waving her hands in front of the window. So I opened the door and let her give me the dog and she then left. "
I feel a bit better. I think I hurt STBXW's feelings a bit but too bad.
I told D14 that I had said to her mom that she could take Skylar home with her. D14 said "Nah, why not tomorrow night dad?"
So, tomorrow it is. I'm sure that will irk STBXW tonight.