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MrBond #1837095 09/14/09 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: stuck808
I think she was asking in what ways are you getting help. Not generic focuses. Those didn't seem to help you much.


exactly. As in, professional help. K4, there's no shame in needing professional help. We are not all equipped for all things, and sometimes life throws us a curve ball we don't have the tools for, OR throws us more than one at a time.[i] I am one of those people who got professional help, so I know how important it is for you to stop being this miserable and lonely for this long. [/i] You have had longstanding problems with depression before all this happened, which may have lead to your drinking, and you still avoid making hard choices, and you still want others to make them for you. This is not helping you at all.
There are a hundred examples on this thread, of a fundamental inability of yours, to move forward or to truly change, from within. Bandaid approaches are just that, bandaids for a sucking chest wound that needs much more treatment. No one seems to be able to reach you or if we do, we don't for very long. I don't think it's willful on your part. But that feeling you have of being "overwhelmed by normal events" is by definition, not normal.

So yeah, when I say "work on you," I mean for you to get some serious analysis or therapy or counselling --or better yet a full work up, to rule out physiological problems along with behavioral, and start getting better.

That's what I mean. I think you have emotional problems that are not getting better and as bad as we ALL have felt at times here, you have been stuck in the same pattern for too long and it's hurting your "cause" and it's probably not too great for your kids to watch.

Plus, don't you want more from life? If I felt as lonely and sad and bored as you sound on your posts, I would do just about any damn thing I could, to stop feeling that bad and start healing.
I am sure of this.

j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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do you still talk to your priest friend? I agree with 25 in that you need to actually talk to someone. Kind of like a sponsor in AA. You really need one and just reading the bible alone isn't cutting it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1837242 09/14/09 02:13 PM
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Yes, I spoke to my priest friend on Friday. My appointments with him have been changed to Fridays since D11 has choir on Mondays now.

And believe me, yes I am sick to death of feeling this way. I am sick to death of being lonely and in limbo about my life. I am also sick to death of my kids having to go through this. It is unfair to them and their mom has really become very hard nosed about everything in life. And the whole image thing has just moved to new levels with her. She is becoming more and more like her mom all the time. Her mom is a very miserable person with huge emphasis on image and money. It has really gotten to the point of ridiculous.

This past saturday I took D7 to a new dance class. She danced for a good portion of it and I guess then got a little intimidated because the kids were older than her. She is 7 and it is a class for 8 to 10 year olds. But D7 is so tall her mom put her in there. Well W shows up and D7 was sitting over in the corner towards the end. This didn't go over well with W. She said that is unacceptable and we need to tell her that. I said wooa. This is her first time in this class. She danced most of it. Give her a chance to get comfortable before you start telling her what is acceptable and what isn't. Let her ease her way into it. W didn't say anything to D7 about it after I said that. But its things like this that are just constant about W feeling like everyone has to ask how high if she says jump. There are other examples to. That is just one of them. She is a major control freak. She signed D11 up for a solo without asking D11 if she wanted to first. D11 had to come to me and tell me she didn't want the solo. I told D11 that she needs to let her mom know then. She just takes it upon herself to assume what everyone should be doing without asking people, especially the kids. It drives me batty.

Last night I dropped off the kids at W's house. D7 had decided she wanted to get dressed in her pajamas and head over. So I let her. I get them over there and W says that is unacceptable and that they are going out to dinner with her mom and the kids needs to be dressed properly. She even made D11 change who was wearing a dress. Well, nobody had told me they were going out to dinner and D7 usually is dressed.

W put a garage door opener on the house that is finger print oriented. I guess she wants to make sure I cannot access the house. It is also a security feature.

I don't know. I wish she would wake up and realize the issues she is causing in all of this. The kids are going to have a maimed version of love for her as this goes on, not an admiralble love. She herself has a maimed version of love for her parents because of them pulling the same stunts when she was a kid and she doesn't even realize it. Our kids could have an admirable love for her, but she is killing that.

I'm not pinning all the blame on her. I have my own issues which everyone knows about that I am having to work through. One thing I noticed is that W constantly has to be active in some form of way. She can't ever just relax mentally. And she has admitted this. She stays up til the wee hours of the morning and has for years either chatting, working, cleaning, something, being on the go with friends, family, shopping anything to keep from slowing down. And she has told me that she cannot shut her mind down and I personally witness it. But now it has really moved into total control freak mentality and disgust for those that aren't in agreement with her.

I don't know.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837246 09/14/09 02:16 PM
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I have my birthday coming up in 2 weeks on September 27. Not sure what I am going to do. But I am pretty sure it won't involve W. It sure would be nice to ML on that day like I got to last year while this was going on. But I am pretty sure that won't be offered and I won't be asking for it. I will spend part of the day with my girls and then probably that night just go to dinner with friends or something.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837252 09/14/09 02:39 PM
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It looks like Retrouvaille worked for Orich. I would be so blessed to even get my W to think about attending the one coming up here. She is so hard nosed against anything or anyone that isn't in complete agreement with her stance. She is a tough one. If only her parents had never divorced, I would have a lot more going for me in my favor. I knew I was taking this risk when I married her though even though she convinced me she didn't believe in it and it was never an option no matter what.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837263 09/14/09 02:59 PM
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Kevin...you have the mindset of a stalker. I don't mean you're dangerous, but your inability to let go of this person and stop concentrating on blaming her for not being in your life is how stalkers think. Doesn't matter if she was your wife.

She is a SEPARATE PERSON.

You say you've been to some AA meetings, have you done any reading or thinking of the 12 steps? Read them and substitute "your wife" for the word "alcohol."


Me-42,H-41,M-14
S-12,9


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Kevin,

As you know I know the feeling of remarried IL's. And you are right if the parents are divorced it doesn't help us at all.
Kevin, at least you got something on your last birthday. LOL

I haven't had anything since Oct. Going out of my mind. LOL

Can you hop over to my thread? Wish I knew how to attach it to these messages.

K


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H 35
D 12
S 18
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Kevin,

First, I would agree that you should talk with a counselor, preferably a Christian counselor, not a counselor that is a Christian, if that makes sense. I have been related to a lot of alcoholics so I know that most drink because they are searching for something to make their depression go away. If you have had an issue with drinking, you have probably been depressed for a long time.

We all have issues. The important thing is to confront your issues and, in most cases, you need someone's help to do it. And then, you need someone to stay by your side, supporting you.

Regarding your M, and your faith, believing that God will heal your M, is something you are probably receiving from the Holy Spirit. I have questioned myself many times to make sure that this is not my own wishful thinking or if God has put it on my heart that He will heal my M...someday.

My biggest challenge to overcome is control. We have free will but God asks us to turn our free will over to Him and let go of control. He knows better than anyone what is best for Kevin and Kevin's family. He first wants you to trust Him completely, in every area of your life. Scripture supports this throughout the Old and New Testament. You should avoid taking back what you have given Him to take care of. If you make mistakes (we all do), you are likely delaying what God will do in your life. The reason is that your R with God has to be more important than anything else. If it isn't, what is your reason for a R with God? Is it to get your family back? If it is, He knows that. If you are having trouble with belief, remember the scripture in Mark 9:14-32 where the man comes before Jesus to have an evil spirit removed from his son and in Mark 9:23-24 Jesus says, "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

This father was real! He admitted, while he believed, he knew that he had some disbelief and asked for help. Kevin, if you are challenged with your belief, ask the Lord to help you with it. He understands. He knows our weaknesses. He knows everything. And He can soften your Ws heart as He has done with others (supported scripturally). You cannot do this directly but your W can witness the "real" changes in you.

You wondered how long your W can keep this up and I agree indefinitely. You have been married since '97 so how long may she have prayed that you would change? How long did she suffer? I am not taking her side. I am taking the side of your marriage.

If you have read about Hosea (he was a minor prophet) and Gomer, there are some excellent lessons to learn. Gomer was beautiful. Extremely beautiful and Hosea loved her deeply. They had a child together. Instead of staying home with her new family, Gomer started to go out, leaving Hosea to take care of the baby, while she partied and slept around. Gomer became pregnant and when the child was born, it was fairly obvious that it was not Hosea's. Gomer continued her ways and had another child, leaving Hosea to take care of three children. At this point, Gomer, probably in the throes of a MLC left her family and took up with another man. While I cannot tell you the details of how Hosea acted and reacted to this situation, I can tell you that he expressed sorrow.

When Hosea learned that his wife was living in less than ideal conditions, he confronted the man that Gomer was sleeping with and gave him food, clothing and perfumes and instructed the man not to tell Gomer where they came from. The man gladly took the items and credit for everything and gave them to Gomer. Gomer enjoyed the items but still left this man and became a temple priestess for a pagan god.

Most people would tell Hosea what a fool he was to wait for Gomer, that their marriage was over and that she would never return, and giving the gifts to the man sleeping with his wife was completely idiotic. God, however, instructed Hosea to continue being His prophet, to take care of the children and to wait...patiently.

A temple priestess wasn't much more than a whore, providing the priests and whomever they wanted to sleep with the priestesses. The priestesses exchanged their bodies for a life of leisure and plenty.

One day, Hosea came upon a slave auction and saw Gomer being readied for sale. He recognized her even though she was extremely thin, gray and her once beautiful face looked drawn and haggard. He still loved her and felt that he should win her in the auction. He ended up buying her freedom and, while others witnessing this said Hosea should not treat her well for what she had done, Hosea put her in fine clothes and led her in a cart back to their home. He had his staff clean her up, feed her and instructed them to treat her as the lady of the house. Gomer did not feel worthy of this expression of love. Hosea did it anyway. At the end of the book, Homer spoke lovingly and respectfully of his wife and how she was an incredible mother and wife.

This story was real. It wasn't a parable although it was a comparison to what happened between God and Israel. God didn't cause Gomer to leave. It was her choice but He was able to make good of what happened. And Hosea listened to the Lord and was patient. Apparently years went by from the time the children were small until she came back with grey in her hair and the children nearly full grown.

When I read this story, it would have been easy to think of me as Hosea and my wife as Gomer. And maybe that is somewhat accurate but not completely. I was nowhere the faithful servant to God that Hosea was or even close to being as good a father or husband as Hosea. God uses situations to help people become more like who He wants them to be -- more Christ like. I believe that I have changed but I know I need to change more in order to be the man God wants me to be as a Christ follower, a father and a husband. I know that I have to move toward selfless acts just like Jesus did when He was crucified and killed on the cross on Calvary before I can be prepared to be in a daily marriage again. I will never be perfect. I can't but I will try to do whatever He wants to please Him and not anyone else. If I can, I will know more joy in my life. And if I allow God to work in my life, He can soften my Ws heart to Him, which is more important than my M.

Kevin, this is a journey. A never ending one. And like most journeys it helps if you have a good leader on your journey. Let Him be your guide. Trust Him completely.

If you aren't reading the bible daily, do so. It is an instruction manual and as I heard in a good move, a love letter.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" Psalm 119:105

Don't stumble around in the darkness. Cling to Him.


Me:56, W:51
D:26,S:24,S:22
Married:18
Bomb 9/27/06
Separated 11/27/06
Divorced 10/6/08
Leaving it up to God
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MMF,

I know the story of Hosea. It is infact one of my main inspirations. Like you, I was neither as close to God as I should have been either. But I am working on being as close to God as possible and letting him work things out. I am not interfering with my W and His plan. I am not taking it back. Just because I pray for her and us and I happen to notice things or she says things when we are together or I happen to think about her at times when we are not does not in any way at all mean that I am taking it back over.

I work on prayers that I can say at different times of the week. I pray daily and I stay out of it.

I pray that God brings her out of this and changes me and restores our M and family. I'm not giving up on her and our family. And I am doing what I need to be doing in the mean time.

I have an audio bible that I try to listen to at nights as well to get in his word as much as possible.

This morning was weird because I started to wake up thinking she was there like she always was and of course, she wasn't. But it was just strange as I was slowly coming awake. It almost felt like she was there beside me briefly while my eyes were closed. I had a dream last night that she told me she was not coming back. But I have also had 2 dreams where she told me we are back together. I am not sure what either mean if anything at all. This of course is over several months that these dreams occured.

The apartment was quiet this morning and felt empty as I got ready for work. I am always happy to get out of there when nobody is there.

I have D7 tonight which I am looking forward to again.

Lost41, I will jump over there shortly.

breakaway, I am not stalking her at all. Just because I think about her and our situation does not mean I am stalking her.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837480 09/14/09 07:04 PM
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I think breakaway means you're developing a stalker's mindset. From your post about your dreams, etc. sure sounds like it.

I think you need to re-read, seriously re-read your own posts. You are still blaming your W for your current sitch. You're still asking "why" she doesn't she, or "why" she can't come back, and all the blame on the ILs. You really need to "let go" of all these ill feelings. Give them up to God if you need to, but you have to get rid of them. That's what's eating you up. These constant ups and downs are what's wearing you down.

You get on a high talking about God, how you're standing, etc. Then the next day you complain about how pathetic your life is. You want only positives? Well right now there aren't any because you still aren't digging your way out of the hole you're in. Get help and you'll start doing that.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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