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You know, you're right. I have a journal that goes back about 2 years. It's full of hurt, failure and depression.

I threw it in the trash tonight.

Now I have a new one. It's going to be used to document growth and and progress in my new life.


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Working on being ALIVE today. Goals have been set and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, to get there...


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Monday would have been 19th wedding anniversary.

Instead it will be just ... monday!

Seriously though, last week was an incredibly hard week for me. This week will have its challenges but I'm choosing to change how I view it.


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Originally Posted By: frank_D
Instead it will be just ... monday!

Actually, you can still celebrate it differently... It is Miley Ray Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana) 17th birthday on Monday.

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Thanksgiving Day. Been a rough couple weeks but today is calm. The girls and I are making Lasagna for dinner. They didn't want turkey since they are going with their mother to her grandma's tomorrow for her famous turkey dinner.

These are some of the things I realize I'll miss - seeing Grandma M. and the whole family experience. After 18 years it seems weird not to go. But I didn't go last year either. However, this year XW is taking OM with her. The girls are not thrilled with that - they see this as a 'family' event and he's not family. That and D18 say's "He'll probably sit in a corner somewhere by himself since he doesn't talk much".

I'm sure it will be awkward for Grandma also. She still likes me in spite of the B.S. XW has told her. But she's in a tough spot and I worry about her. She's in her 70's but very spry.

D14 is staying overnight with me and going with D18 tomorrow on their own since they don't want to stay overnight at Grandmas. D18 has really matured in the past year and does a great job taking care of her sister.

So today I'm thankful that I have my daughters. I love them more than anything and they love and respect me too.

Yesterday I also decided to go see the doctor and get back on the anti depressants and ADHD meds. I had stopped them several months ago because they are expensive but the anxiety and lack of focus came back slowly and I realize that even though I'm broke, I need this stuff right now especially since it's the holidays.

I've also stopped calling people to vent about what XW is doing. Ozzie rightly pointed out to me that it's an obsession and has been enabling me to stay stuck. Whenever I start to feel that way I visualize myself laying down my end of 'the rope' on the ground and walking away.

Overall, I feel good today.


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Home alone today. The girls are at their great grandmas with XW and OM for turkey dinner. They both told me last night how they are dreading going because they will have to be around OM all day.

These are their burdens, I feel badly for them but there's nothing I can do about it. I would not want to be in that house today as I'm sure the tension will be heavy.


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I am stronger than this. I will prevail.


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Been on anti depressants / anxiety meds for about a week. They're finally starting to work but the anxiety is still there.

At my counselors suggestion I've asked XW to arrange to come and get the furniture that is hers as per the settlement. She hasn't been able to find anyone other than OM who has a truck and didn't want to use him as it could be 'a problem'.

I sent her an e-mail and told her specifically that I want the stuff picked up by Sunday, and that I will leave it on the back patio and she and OM can come and get it as I will leave the house before they come.

Also going to work with D14 and D18 to start looking through their things and decide what they need and don't need so we can pack up and be ready to move when the house forecloses. I'll sell off the furniture I know I won't be able to fit in a 2 bedroom house / apt.

Better to be proactive than caught off guard, and a victim.

Last night D18 and I spent some time going for a drive together and talking. She shared with me that when she went to her grandmothers on Friday for thanksgiving dinner, when she walked in the house and saw OM there, she had a breakdown.

She said she was used to seeing him at her moms condo, but being at a 'family' event seemed so wrong to her, that he shouldn't be there.

She said she just lost it and cried and ended up going into the bedroom with her boyfriend and sobbing.

She said her mom came in to talk to her, telling D18 that she is an adult and needed to act like one. D18 said 'mom was really angry at me'. D18 said she told her mom "I may be an adult, but I'm also your DAUGHTER". D18 said that after this, XW was visibly shaken.

Anyway, D18 said dinner went well and there were no more incidents. She also said that since they've been back, her relationship with her mom is different. Her mom seems to be affected by what happened.

I think this is the first time XW has actually seen the pain she has caused. Up till now she has seen anger.

D18 and I are getting closer. She told me that she likes living with me because I'm a parent, and I act like one.

Somehow I'm going to make my life work, and my daughters lives also. I'm getting over everything and not feeling sorry for myself any more.


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I am [censored] impressed. : )

Your daughter's response was awesome.

But you Frank... good for you! You seem different this time. Like real, not the BS hot air. But really coming into your own.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Your daughter's response was awesome.

Yeah, she also said to me "Dad, I really think I've matured a lot this last year". I think she has too. More than her mother has because she shows Compassion for others feelings.
Quote:

But you Frank... good for you! You seem different this time. Like real, not the BS hot air. But really coming into your own.

I made my decision abut a week ago that I'd suffered enough and will be better off without XW. And I also came to the realization that whatever happens to me also happens to my kids. I've been stuck a long time and let XW push my buttons and I react to her.

No more.


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