That's the vibe I get also, and let me tell ya, I've been there, it ain't pretty, and it doesn't work.
If I might Jack, I think our stories are somewhat similar in the following way. We both came to the point that we were done. I mean DONE.
In Jack's case, his wife came back to him to try and work things out, he gave her one chance, she took it, and things worked out.
In my case, my XW sent out signals that maybe, just maybe she regretted her decision. And this took quite some time. And I had moved on. And I'm better for it.
I guess my point is that nothing changed in our situations until we moved on with our lives. You can't change someone else, you can only change you. Not to be corny, but it's like the saying that if you love something let it go. If it comes back, it's your's forever. (?) If it doesn't, it was never your's in the first place.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Drew and Kerry are both fantastic examples to aim for Frank.
I am going to suppose here.
I am also not trying to be mean with you, this is just what I feel from what you are currently writing.
That right now, you're hoping that she notices the pain blanket you have wrapped yourself up in and it makes her re-think what she is doing.
If we are going to suffer, we can suffer with quiet dignity; or we can suffer looking for attention.
We can also choose not to suffer.
I worry, truly about your cycles, and your seeming determination to suffer.
I actually thought about this earlier today while talking to a friend. You're right on with the 'suffering' part. I'm still punishing myself for MY perceived wrongs. I STILL don't let myself recognize her part, her wrongs.
I WILL overcome this.
You said this to Drew a long time ago:
Quote:
When I went Dark, I told her this is not for you this is for me, this is my armor against you and the stupidity of hoping you come back.
I've been pretty dark lately. Putting my armor BACK on now.
I guess my point is that nothing changed in our situations until we moved on with our lives. You can't change someone else, you can only change you. Not to be corny, but it's like the saying that if you love something let it go. If it comes back, it's your's forever. (?) If it doesn't, it was never your's in the first place.
Yep, and I know this. I've just been wearing my 'little boy' pants waaayy too much lately.
Fix them, use them as examples of what not to do and do better.
You dwell on them, and they beat you.
You truely accidentally kill a man... You can beat yourself up for it for the rest of your life and contribute nothing to anything. Or you make ammends to the best of your ability. You buy groceries for the family, you put aside money for his children's college fund.
That is definately an apples vs hand gernades example, but it should drive the point home.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
STBX didn't like some changes that were made. For the most part she thinks that even though that I have said I will take on our huge debt, and pay her $200/mo to help with groceries for her and D14, she want's $700/mo because she lives in a small Condo and I live in the 'big house'.
Never mind that it's all I can do to keep it out of foreclosure and service the debts we had, much of which are back taxes.
Her argument is "the taxes should have been paid on time, it's not her fault". She's also upset because I live in the 'big house' while she lives in a one bedroom condo. Never mind that I'm struggling with much higher overhead and foreclosure.
The California state 'calculator' says she gets $1000/month 'just because' of my gross income. Doesn't matter what I have in costs. That's the beauty of these calculators.
I'm being advised to agree to the $500/month because it will end when D14 is 18 and she's not asking for alimony. And, I know STBX buys clothing for her and other stuff so it's going to a good cause - D14.
Man, she feel so entitled because "Frank didn't take care of things."
The problem is California can screw me much worse.
Sometimes you have to give to gain. Having an X wife who does not think of her X husband as cheap can be a benefit.
$200 a month seems rather low if D14 spends considerable time with her mother.
I know our states differ in cost of living, but my state calculator has me for about $580 a month and that is for both kids combined. I make about 7 times more than my X and have the kids 50% of the time and pay for external child care which can be up to $400 a month. She does tend to have the kids more in the summer since she does not work, and as such, I end up paying $600 a month.
I would offer $500 a month. If she does not take that, then I would accept the $700 a month. It is much better than having her get a lawyer and fighting it out to possible court where you could also get alimony thrown in. If you can get her to sign now with minimal cost with no alimony in the judgment, that is a good thing.
