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#1869510 - 11/06/09 06:58 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
Anger can be a great way to heal and move forward. But you are at a delicate point in the final D process where anger will not work for you right now.

It might be time to review some of Sun Tzu's "Art of War" - you are trying to win a war without having to fight a battle. There are psychological means that you can utilize to get a new age spiritual whacko to sign a truce (ie divorce papers).
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Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

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#1869511 - 11/06/09 07:00 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: KerryK]
Virtually_Handsome Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/06
Posts: 13424
Loc: AZ
You are both getting caught up in things that really are not relevant to the question... her on the "big house", and you on the expenses. It's turning it into an emotional argument rather than an intellectual one.
_________________________
Jeff
The poster formerly known as dry_heat

Me-49
D 11/30/09
S12,16,21,22
Current:Wandering Poster 56-Take a step that is new...
Where the Rockettes Play!

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#1869517 - 11/06/09 07:12 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: Virtually_Handsome]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Quote:

Give the $500 and run!

Yeah, that's what I decided.
Quote:

It might be time to review some of Sun Tzu's "Art of War" - you are trying to win a war without having to fight a battle. There are psychological means that you can utilize to get a new age spiritual whacko to sign a truce (ie divorce papers).

Got it on my desk. She was amicable to the $500 but wanted me to also pay her part of the health insurance ($104/month)

Quote:

You are both getting caught up in things that really are not relevant to the question... her on the "big house", and you on the expenses. It's turning it into an emotional argument rather than an intellectual one.

If you do the math, in a community property state she should be paying 1/2 of our back taxes with me. She isn't. She isn't paying her quarterly taxes right now either.

Her gross take home is $2k/month.

Fine. Could be much worse and she's desperate right now. Hopefully she will accept the compromise and we can move on.

Funny how when we were living in the 'nice house' I bought for her and the kids she didn't worry about things because she knew I would always find a way to make it work.

Even now, I find a way.
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#1869521 - 11/06/09 07:46 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: KerryK]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: KerryK

$200 a month seems rather low if D14 spends considerable time with her mother.


I just wanted to point out that I am forgiving her of 1/2 of our $60,000 IRS back taxes.

She just wants more because it was 'my fault' we got behind in taxes.

Kapiech?
smile
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#1869526 - 11/06/09 08:17 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
Child support (and parenting plan) should be calculated separately and not be part of the other financial equations. Remember, you or your XW incomes can change in the future and child support values can also get changed. Do you have something written down about college expenses?

The other stuff is assets, which includes debt, retirement and possible alimony which all needs to be negotiated. You get the house, but also have the huge tax burdeon and debt. I dont know if that is a fair deal or not. Do you get to claim the kids for tax purposes and tax credits?

Just remember, at $2K a month income, that is not much for her to survive on where you live. I doubt any court would assign debt to her.

Sometimes the free legal aid people dont get all the details and you dont want to have to be in court a few years from now for something gone wrong in the divorce dissolution document.

Frank, trust me, I too got raked over the coals and it felt like I was rewarding my wife for having an affair and breaking apart my family. And to top it off, she lives with a very rich guy and she was still fighting me for alimony. I may have won in court - my lawyer said 50/50 chance on alimony being awarded her. If she had been awarded alimony, I would have been paying at least $1000 a month for 5 years in addition to the child support. I did not want to take that chance and instead bought her out of alimony to the tune of $40,000. I was able to refinance my house to pay for that and the additional division of assets. In the end, I feel like I came out pretty well. I still have good equity in my company which she did not fight for and I am surviving.
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Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

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#1869530 - 11/06/09 08:47 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: KerryK]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Kerry, I get what you are saying. I figure if she only takes child support to the tune of $500/month plus health insurance, over 4 years I will end up paying 25k or so. That's as good as it gets.
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#1869544 - 11/06/09 09:20 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Well, no news tonight. beeyotch
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#1869612 - 11/07/09 12:05 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: frank_D]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
Winner Winner. Chicken Dinner. $25K over 4 years is a drop in the bucket. Imagine how much you were paying when she lived with you. Maybe your wife was not high maintenance.

I know in my case, my wife always needed to go out for dinner. She needed to hire my brother and his wife to clean our house every 2 weeks even though I was able to help. I also bought her lots of things like diamonds and guns (what a combination crazy). She shopped compulsively. Basically, she was high maintenance.
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Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

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#1869709 - 11/07/09 11:56 AM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: KerryK]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
She wasn't high maintenance. Except emotionally.

No, I see this as an adequate deal. House will likely be foreclosed anyway so it irritates me that she uses it as an excuse.
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#1869791 - 11/07/09 05:03 PM Re: The Warriors quest [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
sofaraway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 10111
Loc: Memphis, TN
Quote:
I would not have felt bad for my boys. I wouldn't have allowed that, I would have built and was in process of building the best life I could provide for them. Feeling bad for them, meant I would have let them feel bad for themselves, and I see that leading to a life of excuses.


First things first, you wouldnt have let your boys see you feel bad for them, but you would have. Sometimes the all mighty Oz makes statements based on how they would like to believe they would have acted, reality is a very different thing. Not trying to piss on your fire here pirate, just pointing out that sometimes we speak of which we don't know and it comes off as demeaning.

Frank, I get you. I understand completely how you felt that day and it is completely normal. Having completed this process recently and speaking from actual experience it is a very sad day. Even if you recognize that it is what is best, it is the ending of a vow you believe you made for life, in my opinion its perfectly fine to feel that for a day or so. Just do it in private and don't let your feelings impact your kids.

Now, the other part of this.

You were the bread winner in your family. Your $60k tax debt was your responsibility. How long would she have to earn $2k a month to incur that kind of debt. You argue over things and it will come back to haunt you.

California enforces alimony. California enforces community property. The costs that you could be looking at are astronomical. I guarantee the only reason you are getting out this cheap is because the attorney that she has consulted with has assured her that your taking on the IRS debt is a reasonable offset to alimony payments for the 4 years. She uses the house as an excuse because a lawyer advised her to.

It sucks, and it is bullshitt, and in the state of California a man is dog meat. So you deal with it and press on. The child support set between Carrie and I by the way is $390 a month. IN Memphis, TN. you are coming out just fine on this deal.

Before you come back at me wondering about why I say she has consulted an attorney. It just sounds like it from what she is arguing over, from her previous actions I don't believe she would have the fortitude on her own to stand up and fight.


Ian
_________________________
M- 42
XW- mentally 14
KIDS- 3- S14, D17, D23
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09


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