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#1830543 - 09/02/09 09:42 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
OK - great! Well done on that - that's a 180 you can be proud of and it will make him see you are becoming strong, confident and independent - you DON'T need him to do the banking for you, you have now sorted it yourself!! Well done Rabbit - have a carrot!!

Now that you have that bit right, I am jumping to your last sentence where you say that you have him to do a few bits of banking for you - so, now that you are chuffed about doing what you have done in your 180, why not extend it and tell him that you will do it all for yourself. Take those reigns ... keep pulling up the slack until you are in total control. H will be wondering what is going on!

Something that's on my mind from your last post - are you opening his mail - how else would you have known about the lessons? If you are, I would advise you to stop immediately. Ask him to redirect his mail or get some alternative arrangement. I learned this one quickly. My H accused me of opening his mail, which I had not, but he straight away pointed out that it was immoral and illegal to do so! I reckon that he would have taken me to task on that, if I had done it and he could have proved it! Just a thought there for you. Also, if you don't open his mail, you can't find things that hurt you - or incriminate him. Don't be that person.

As always, these are my genuine thoughts only. Others may disagree or have other ideas to add. You must make up your own mind what is said here and do what feels right for you - just add the advice that's offered to plump up the words in DB or DR books and plan your way forward.

Remember, this is all about YOU so matters not what we think, we are purely trying to stop you falling down a rabbit hole! I have had some great pearls of wisdom cast before meo n my threads so read away, if you dare!

Good Luck for this afternoon - I truly hope that you get this job. Try to act as confidently as you can and 'act if' everything in your world is just peachy! Let us know how you get on!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1830910 - 09/02/09 06:08 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Oh dear dont you hate it when life shows you what you are and not what you thought you were!

After doing my 180* this morning and then missing both H's phone calls I went off to my interview. It was with an agency regarding some temping work, and when she asked why go back to work now I explained that my H had gone and now I needed to give myself some security, but having been out of the workplace for two years I want to break myself in gently. She was very supportive and I left feeling that I wasnt so far behind in IT career as I had led myself to believe and that it was worth giving some of the jobs a go and not settling for not so well paid admin prospects.

I sat in the coffee shop feeling a little glum and decided to return home, then the penny dropped.. OMG what had I become, a needy, clinging, chicken.. Over the past few years I had turned into a klingon, that relied on my H to do everything and had lost all confidence in my ability to be a (as my friend said today) a kick ar*e woman, well she is back lol. So this afternoon I have organised my Iphone which I have wanted for ages, along with a new sim card I haggled my provider down as I am a valued customer and told them its about time I got something back.. asked about their broadband service as H wants to change it over as its cheaper still as I am already a customer. This evening I have applied for two IT contract jobs, not in the town I really want but hey its a start and if I can get a foot in the door maybe next contract can be in the town I prefer.. I really want to get into IT Project Administration, thats my ideal job as H says I can organise for england and have a great deal of common sense!

Now how to I quell this over whelming desire to ring up H and tell the "kick ar*e girl" is back.. Dont panic I know I cant.. just have to show him whilst being short, blunt and mysterious lol, that should be a challenge then.

Had a very therapeutic hour packing up all of H's clothes that he has shrunken out of, yep he is in full MLC, lost three stone, got new glasses, has signed up for italian lessons, well that might come in handy one day if I ever get him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear! But it felt good like I was packing him away too.. Had a very lazy tea a juicy bacon roll, naughty but I did enjoy it and my PMT required it. My son phoned and started talking about his dad and I politely managed to say I dont want to know that which he respected and stopped, bless him he is a good lad, just wish he wasnt in the middle of the mess.

Tomorrow, well got Chiro first thing and then I will have to find something to rejuvanate the "kick ar*e gal" mmmm what to do suggestions on a post please!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1831047 - 09/02/09 09:15 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Pheewwww H phoned, and I managed to stay short, calm and definitely mysterious. Explained that I had seen an unusual payment and knowing that he would have said if it had been him lodged a dispute with the bank and was awaiting the form to reclaim the payment. I also asked that once he had paid the mortgage and checked out what was due, could he put a large sum into the bank account (he normally moves several hundered over every week) so that I could take paying everything onboard. He also asked about the other account and taking my name off it so he could use it and I replied I was still thinking about and left a big pause as in Im not done thinking about it so he had to move on to another subject.

He asked about having a computer that is upstairs and I politely said no as I had things that were on it and he would be capable of building a new one, he immediately said I know its my problem, and I replied politely please dont put words in my mouth I didnt say that!

He asked what I had been doing and all he got was "keeping busy there is always lots to do" although I did mention I had sorted out a new phone and whilst on there had asked about the broadband which he wanted to change to, so will go ahead with that.

I didnt ask anything about when he was moving in or how he was, or how was work, although he did say he was at work, (usually when he is at work late bearing in mind he has been there since 7.30am he is tired and fed up) I asked if he was still going to look after the cat when I went away for the weekend at the end of September or should I put her in the cattery.. Apparently he will as he has a firing turn ( he fires steam trains for a hobby) early on the saturday, he mentioned he didnt know when he would come up.. big pause.. as if he was waiting for me to scream come stay here my love he was mistaken.. and neither did I ask him if he was coming up on saturday even though my heart was desperate to say so! He said that of course we would be in touch before then, and I said well that is up to you! His parting words were for me to take care of myself, my reply was that I am sure I am quite capable of that.. and there it ended..

My 180*s

Not to be needy
Not to want to know every aspect of his life
To remain calm and confident
To say No politely (instead of losing it) to what I wanted
To sound as if I am coping
(not falling apart which tbh even my son thought I would take to my bed and mope and bless him he said he was proud of me for not doing so)but I am coping intermitantly but H doesnt know that..

I know he will have found it very strange not to hear that I love him lets face it he has heard it nearly every day for nearly thirty years and what ever he wants of his life now I know that has got to hurt him, as under all this MLC he is genuinely I believe still my dear kind lovely husband! One can only hope cant they!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1831056 - 09/02/09 09:38 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
L R,
You are an inspiration! I am separated after only 11, not 30 yrs. of marriage but I truly feel like you, how can this be, after all that time together, doesn't he miss me etc? For only being separated a month you are doing a TREMENDOUS job of DBing in my humble opinion. I will check in on your thread for inspiration & know you have my support - though you are so strong. Your 180 list looks really good & hope you don't mind if I borrow from it! GREAT JOB! Also Eskimo, your input is right on target & I need to hear those reminders. Thank you for the strength & wishing you the best,
LFA

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#1831072 - 09/02/09 10:09 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
LFA you are too kind! We have only been married for twenty three years but I met him when I was sixteen and knew from that moment he was the love of my life, so in all I feel as if I have been married for nearly thirty years.. Its kind of you to say I am an inspiration, when in truth I found DB because I knew that what I had been doing wasnt working.. I am a 100% trying to do a 180* on more of the same.. Please god my only hope is that it will work. My H is now two hours away from me as he has moved back to where we used to live ten years ago.. Ironically I feel like I am competing with another county for his affection, as all I get is "its so easy to do things here" but I just keep reminding myself he hated it ten years ago and it most definately has got worse.. I havent like to post much on most peoples sitch as they seem to have folks that have been inputing for a long time and I feel like I am intruding! Nell has been kind enough to adopt me and even though we have only known each other a few days I feel like I have known her for years.. I will try and find a post of yours and pop in if you dont mind LFA x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1831097 - 09/02/09 10:41 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
Ooops, I meant 23 - did read that in your 1st post - but still! More than twice as long as me. You are really doing great. What you said about remembering the kick a** woman you used to be, I loved it! Gave me lots to think about... I don't often post on a lot of other people's threads, just those who post on mine usually - unless I read something that really speaks to me, like yours! Though I am still a newbie I don't think most people will feel you're intruding, most have been very open & caring. I think you'll find a lot of support.

Sure, stop over on my thread - it's called Scared & looking for advice. I can get a little wordy though :-) so hope you don't mind slogging through it! But can sure use all the insight I can get. Keep up your great efforts & I'll stop back too - even though I may not have answers you'll always have my support! x LFA

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#1831113 - 09/02/09 11:41 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Adopted Rabbit!!!!
Thank you for brightening my day before it has even started! I am still chuckling that you feel that you have been adopted by me but that's more than fine, just gives me another purpose in life!

I could not be more proud of the way you are handling things at the moment - I am in awe of you! One word of warning has to be handed out though and that is - beware the crash, for it will come I am afraid! You may then even retreat to moping in bed for a day or two - most of us have done it and I know that I do it frequently! It's the roller coaster effect or the wave, that you may have read about here.

Not to dampen you though, you most certainly have that kick a**e spirit for now and you must use it to your full advantage. Plenty more of 'missing phone calls' and saying a polite no will make your H start to wonder what is going on! I like that you have paused before answering and it's even good to say "I can't answer that right now but I will give it some thought and get back to you" ... it's not a yes, it's not a no but it puts across the message that you are no push-over and it starts to command some respect. See it out.

Now, there were one or two things that I wanted to pick you up on so let me go back:

1) "I asked if he was still going to look after the cat when I went away for the weekend at the end of September or should I put her in the cattery.." Don't ask this of H. I did the same twice and twice I was sorry that I had. It's asking them to come back in to the home that they have run away from and it's asking to 'control' them for a weekend. They don't like it, they are scared and it feels like they are being herded back in to the fold. It makes them feel vulnerable again and H will resent you for making him feel that way. It also takes away your good efforts at showing your independence. You have a cattery that you use? Then use it!! He has left your home, he has left your cats. Harsh words but you are ready for them.

2) "Had a very therapeutic hour packing up all of H's clothes that he has shrunken out of" - done this too! It is therapeutic but the therapy only lasts a little while and it means that now H doesn't have the opportunity to pack his own 'dirty laundry' - why is that our job? If he wanted to leave, he should be cleaning up the mess that he is leaving behind him. Don't pack anymore! Sure if you want to gather things all together so that you don't have to be falling over stuff, then do so but don't make it easy for him to erase his life from your home. Get some boxes, put it all in there and then close the door on it. When he comes back to get his stuff, it will make him think.

Out of all the stuff that you wrote in your last two posts, that is all I can pick you up on and I reckon that you should go to the top of the class for being so quick to pick up on this DB'ing so fast! A+ Student!

The things that I really liked were that you have ordered your new iPhone, got out there and decided what job you are after, worked out that you have become a klingon (!), done some great 180's, held your tongue on ILY speech [that is so hard when it's been our vocabulary for all these years], didn't invite him to stay for his firing Saturday, told him that you were capable of looking after yourself (!!) and most of all, you handled the conversation with your S so very well, which he appears to have respected. Rabbit - you are bounding along!

I'm glad to see that LFA has also dropped by. Keep up that contact too. The more the merrier in so many ways, you only have limited perspective otherwise and it's good to get more than one opinion. Be careful though as there are one or two unscrupulous people here who purely have their own agendas, so keep your own counsel and do what YOU feel is right.

Will check in again this evening - you should be in bed now as my day is just starting. Marvellous start Rabbit ... you will be standing in the guru's shoes before long, I just know it!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1831295 - 09/03/09 10:27 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Well jumped up feeling good this morning and headed off to the chiro. My chiro is lovely she is actually more like a freind I go to see every eight weeks for a chat whilst she bashes the kinks out of my body that I have built up riding madam! It was good to be greeted with "you really have lost lots of weight now" and "you look good" really did my PMA a power of good. I started trying to lose the weight I had put on when ill, back in Feb 09 and Im now just about back to my normal weight and happily sitting here in a pair of size ten jeans. Need to sort out some work clothes got a few bits from before but my wardrobe certainly needs updating as I have held off knowing I wanted to drop another size. Also need some new riding breeches as Im fed up of having a baggy bottom every time I ride, very Nora Batty lol. Unfortunately the ones I want are very expensive so will have to hang on till I can buy them myself.

Nell and LFA thanks for popping in, it gives me a purpose several times during the day to check and see how you are getting on and also that you are in similar sitch helps, my chiro asked me this morning why it has become so popular for WAS these day, and I said because everything has become throw away able now so marriages/relationships can be dumped without question! I told her about the book and she was really interested especially as I said it was a good book to read even if you thought your marriage was happy as it was so insiteful on how relationships do/dont work..

Now to answers for Nell!

H had already sorted out what he didnt want and put it to one side in the wardrobe, as I have clothes I have shrunk out of I said I would put them in the "sally army" bag when it came round again. If he wants things to take with him he can blooming well fetch and pack them himself, want him to have the full effect of seeing his empty wardrobe lol.

The cat sitting he had said he would do it several weeks ago, but I wanted to check he was still doing it as I she has never been in before so if I was going to do it I would like to have taken her for a day to let her get used to it first. But I asked purely for her sake not mine, and the bonus was I got another 180* as a freebie lol

Ok now I carry on GAL and being Kick Ar*s until the next wave, cant say I am looking forward to, but heyho if I keep DB'ing the next one wont hit so hard if Im lucky..

Will pop in later and update with the rest of the day, take care all x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
#1831304 - 09/03/09 10:55 AM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Hey Rabbit - gotta go out and so don't have time to answer right now but will be back in the morning! Hang on in there :o)
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1831511 - 09/03/09 04:42 PM Re: After 30 Years! [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
The morning seemed to go so fast, but knowing how slow the evenings go I went out again. We have a nice garden centre and around it is several outlet stores so I bought myself a new handbag, not really a handbag/shoe sorta girl but its seems to have sprouted wings since H went as I feel I want to be more girlie, another 180* its a bright leafy/limey green... H hates green and normally even though I would love green I wouldnt buy it as he wouldnt of liked it.. Today my brain screamed NO NO NO I AM HAVING GREEN and my heart said if he comes back he will just have to learn to live with it lol! Basically I should have been think I want a green bag but heyho got halfway there at least. Struggled this afternoon I am tired and my back is sore from chiro.

My Iphone arrived and its now on charge awaiting the new sim card, and I read the manual with my glasses on, ooh that was a 180* from last week I stopped struggling and bought a pair of reading glasses, will get an opticians appointment as soon as I have a job and get my eyes checked properly. And went online to read all about my phone, the last two I have had the same as my son got him to show me the basics and never looked any further.

So just as I was expecting to settle down to an evening on my own, my son phones and says hi mum guess what Im on my way home, girlfriend is off out for the night so he thought he'd pop by and see if he could scrounge some tea, cheeky so and so but Im pleased to see him, and it will be nice to cook for someone, and of course I can compare phones with him this time lol.

My new book arrived today the five languages of love, although Im re-reading DR and bought a notebook to use this time around. I have refound my love of reading now I can see with my glasses on, and also today I bought a little cross stitch project, it has a kitten on a rope on it and its says "keep hanging on" very appropriate for the sitch I believe.

Whilst out shopping I went past the tropical fish store, H really wanted a fishtank and I always had said no as he was away so often and it would have been ending up cleaning it, one half of me said "he can have a fish instead of a wife now" no much of a trade in the scheme of things, but one half what the heck why did I kick up so much over a fish.

So all in all I have swung from cheesed off to kickar*e back and forth today, just hope I can go to bed as kicka*se tonight fingers crossed.. Hope all of you have a good day tomorrow x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

Top
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