K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

PMA,

I know that I have made many mistakes in the past year and have wanted to believe things that were not true. But I would truly be a fool to believe there is anything at all here to read into. This is about W wanting to change the kids schedule to further accomodate her social life.

I actually don't know why it requires dinner to talk about it. Oddly she is making one of my favorite dishes as well.

I think this is just to try and butter me up to get me to agree to her new plans that benefit her and nothing more.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

I think this is just to try and butter me up to get me to agree to her new plans that benefit her and nothing more.
Kevin

Wise man.

[Steve McQueen]

Steve McQueen, I hadn't thought about that. I will give it some more thought.

NO THINKING. You are walking around in a "fog" now. LOL.
You DO and ACT on what makes Kevin feel right. Why? Because. Wife you argue way too much. You are distant. You don't meet my needs, physically, emotionally, damn you arent even cooking what I want to eat for sunday dinner. I need my space.

You ever see Urban Cowboy? Bud gets Sissy back in the end.

[CityGirl]

I would not go either. You jumped at the first invitiation she offered. The children's exchange schedule can easily be discussed via the phone, a meal isnt necessary OR in your best interst at this time. And I think it sends mixed messages to your kids.

You should have declined, said you had plans and found a mutually agreeable time to have a phone meeting. And really, dont be too quick to bend to her "plan" about changing the schedule. If it doesnt work for you then let her know.

I would call and cancel and tell her that something came up last minute and you wont be able to make dinner and then set up a phone meeting.

[K4D]

I think she wants to have dinner because I haven't bent on the schedule. She has already thrown out a couple changes she wanted and I would not agree to them. I think this is to try and get me in to agree with her on this day.

Kevin

[K4D]

W suggested other times and dates. I agreed to change to Sunday after church since sunday night was interferring with her social life. She didn't like that and wanted to do it during the week. I said no. She then wanted Saturday morning. I said no. She then said Friday night, I said we can discuss it.

Then she asked me to come over for dinner to discuss it.

Kevin

[Steve McQueen]

I think she wants to have dinner because I haven't bent on the schedule. She has already thrown out a couple changes she wanted and I would not agree to them. I think this is to try and get me in to agree with her on this day.

Kevin

you that easy?

[Goodfight]

Kevin,
I'm very proud of you for not sending the letter and for changing the day your W wanted you to come over. She knows how you feel about her and so does God. So with the changes that you are saying that you are making and will make it will then show your W that you are a new person. You have helped me out so much with turning to God and that is what you need to do. Leave it in God's hands and do your best to become a better person (H) to your wife. She is the one committing sin right now, not you. On one of the CD's from rejoice ministries and in a book it said that Charlyne didn't pursue Bob at all and that is what you need to do. If your W didn't know how you felt then I could see sending a letter because a lot of prodigals don't know they can come home but your W does know that already.

Just keep on changing for God and for yourself and I believe it will work out. I know how you feel, because everything my H does or says I over analyze we both need to detach for a while and wait for changes and make changes and also wait for God's perfect timing.

[K4D]

Thanks all,

Today was a very long day. I didn't leave work til 8pm. This is my week with the kids so W kept them for me until I got to her place to pick them up. We got home a little after 9 and D7 went straight to bed and fell asleep. She was tired. D11 did a few things and then went on to bed. I wish I would have gotten to spend some more time with them. But some days it just doesn't work out.

Tomorrow night I was told we should expect to work late as well. But at least it is Friday and the kids will be up later.

My 2 bosses have been in town this week and we have been putting in some late hours. The OT helps so I can't complain.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I agree with detachment now. What a fool I was to think that God would just change her mind without me taking charge of me.

To me, this means You still don't get it, no matter how often you regurgitate what you think we've said a 100 times. Hear me out before you tune me out.

Be brave! Face that fact that the mother of your children has God Given free will & may not come back...sooo what do you do?
You be the best man & father you can be. You may not be her husband b/c she may not choose you to be, and thus far she has not.

But You seem to believe that anyone of great enough faith who prays hard, is sincere, and does the hard work of deeply changing themselves within, and truly deserves good and fair things in life...ALWAYS gets those good things... Well, They don't. My brother in law died last year of a brain tumor @the age of 42, and it wasn't for lack of faith or any weakness or sin of his. He had many greatnesses in him and one of them was his stoicism. I NEVER ONCE heard that man complain about life being unfair to him. NOT ONCE!! In a culture of victimhood, that really stands out. So Try Reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" b/c THAT Is a test of faith. I know You tell us of books you read that comfort you but I fear they also enable you to stay in the same thought pattern, that you think some person or book will have the "magic key" to make things go your way...but you don't read the books that prepare you for other options in life, such as surviving a tragedy b/c you just keep insisting it isn't happening (I'm NOT talking about theology now either, please)....

Having life throw lots of nasty curve balls your way, but still carrying on, still feeling gratitude for what you have, is admirable. I saw a lot of this while in the military and on the posts I visited this past week. I saw families with dead youths, maimed fathers, or mothers, families with both parents deployed so that an aunt has to come and get the kids and they pray that both parents will return...
Many people who "deserved" to get good things did not, and many good people who did not "deserve" a young death, got one anyhow. Yet most still carried on and believed, and are still grateful and still finding joy in life...[b]That's a faith that inspires, and it's a strength that endures.

I'm troubled by what I see in your "theology" which is really a bargaining angle you have...e.g., "If I'm really good, or change into being who I'm supposed to be(which I am going to do sometime in the future...) THEN God will 'make her' feel love for me & bring her back...in His 'perfect timing' --so I just have to be patient..."

Kevin, that is what you were saying. Maybe you don't mean that anymore. Maybe you woke up and saw the light and really "get it" now. I hope so but your words betray you at times. And theres such a pattern to it with you. You do the religious preachy stuff, you do the deny it's happening thing, you worry about small interactions with her, you stress about them, you often backslide in them, you get angry and frustrated, and then you go back to a biblical quote...as if it'll change what just happened again. Sure, "all things are possible with God..." I get it.

But I just don't see why you keep on with this behavioral cycle and it IS a cycle. Is it so much easier to cling to this belief system rather than the alternative??--The alternative-- which is accepting that bad things DO happen to good people, and in the real world, there is unjust suffering, which we don't fully understand, and in the real world, sometimes people walk out of their marriages for good reasons, for bad reasons, or for no reasons... ([b]And 12 step programs discuss how to handle this too!) You know, we "hammer" the AA stuff it into you for a reason. We know what we're talking about...sometimes I wish you'd just trust and just do... And worse things happen to good people all the time. A WAS sucks...but good God, look around the world and see the suffering down the road from you!

In 12 step programs, We learn to face life on its' terms, not ours. We take what comes and make the best of it. We don't keep nagging God, or pleading to go back in time to what we THOUGHT we once had with our spouses, and hoping that God makes them feel....'love/need for us"

Instead, we say the Serenity prayer and we do our best to LIVE IT. It's most definitely a spiritual road of growth Kevin, but it DOES sometimes mean accepting things we cannot change and MOVING on, not staying stuck on that spot in the road forever, or for a decade, etc... I'm curious...when you pray for your wife's heart to soften, or for her to return, do you Ever pray for God to help you feel less dependent/needy on your w? Or less frightened of life without her? Not praying for change in her, but in you only? Perhaps you can ask your priest for his opinion on that.

Last but not least, Kevin, if she uses her free will and chooses to finalize the divorce, and someday to be with other men, and to marry one of them...IF God doesn't "make her" come back to you, What kind of life will you create for yourself and your daughters? WE KNOW you say you are in a covenant Marriage, it changes nothing, etc etc, but it does change things for your kids and your wife and in all likelihood for you...So what will you DO for your daughter's happiness if not your own? And What harm is there in spending some energy on visualizing a life without your wife, that includes happiness and joyfor you and your d's?

Can you see the value of that in your d's lives, so they don't constantly fear you'll "lose your sh#@ again" if things don't turn around for your m? The value in them knowing that no matter what, they will be okay -- b/c you will be okay? I suggest this to ALL LBSers with children. "Hope all you want, but be ready to carry on no matter what" and GAL -- b/c you simply have to GAL. Rather sleep walk to death?

Don't make the girls carry the burden of their dad's mental/emotional health on their young shoulders...(Trust me, they have been shouldering so much on their hearts and you cannot put all the blame on their mother for this.) You have played a huge role in this but I don't want to hammer on that now.

Just saying they need to know you'll be fine no matter what. If you cannot imagine this or even go there, then yes, I think you demonstrate the level of growth you have yet to achieve and you have to get the help/tools for is asap. You're setting yourself up. Basically saying you'll give up and throw in the towel on life, (or refuse to even think it's happening) if this ONE THING doesn't ultimately go your way even though you know your wife doesn't "have" to do what you or God wants her to do...it's the "catch 22 challenge" we face as Christians, having our faith in God's will, and yet also knowing we and others, have free will to ignore Him as well. And to know that those we love may turn their backs on us and Him, b/c they can...

[color:#000099]But No one gets to blame another person for their own permanent sorrow. No one. Get out of the funk for real, GARL, means Get A REAL Life so there are no more "Filler" activities but things that involve you with other people and don't remind you of sad triggers or keep you stuck in the same frame of mind. Be a friend to others. You'll have more friends...be the best dad you can be and if that means being the best single dad in the world, so be it... (Serenity Prayer Time!)

I've been on military bases discussing the stress on military families this past week (helps one keep perspective if you get yourself out of the pity funk) and I know too many people who don't feel sorry for themselves but sure could, to see someone in your comparatively fortunate situation wallow. VERY FEW [b] of these men/women said "God let them down b/c they prayed so hard for their husbands /sons/ daughters/sisters/brothers to come back safe and sound or at least alive...but God let them die..." very few felt entitled to a guarantee on their prayers.
Most I met with, "get that they don't always get what they want or pray for", yet they carry on and still believe life is essentially good. [/b]

Be braver, Kevin. Face the scary possibilities even if only for a little while, so that you know no matter what your wife chooses, God has a good plan for you right around the corner. Have faith in THAT. Not "your" Plan, but His,...(and life's curve balls, b/c we have to allow for free will). Detachment helps you with that, as do 12 step programs if you actually Do the programs...

J-[/color]
I won't be making anymore comments about unconditional love. Detachment doesn't mean you don't still love them, it just means you have accepted the fact that right now you still have a life to live and have to make something of it.

Kevin

Well, yeah. Hmm, I think I heard that before, but where? Where??
Oh wait, now I remember...I heard it HERE, over a hundred times!!. (Wow, I Bet that's literally true...) so now...do you "get it"? Hope so.
Good luck!