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K4D #1866378 11/02/09 05:56 PM
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It's not that you are a fool, you simply keep trying to find "things" that will avoid you having to detach as an individual.

Faith and religion are important parts of life but they are for you and you only. It seems it was much easier for you to rely on your religious beliefs to "fix" things rather than just get down to business and detach. And really, the time has come for you to do that.

The only true possessions we have in life are our ACTIONS. Superficial entities such as salaries, aesthetics and monetary possessions do not create our core.

It's important to have goals to better your career or earnings if you are doing it for YOU and the betterment of your life and your children's future. If your road to self betterment completely excludes your W and what she will or won't notice, appreciate or take a second look at THEN and only then are you on your way to rebuilding your core to become the man and individual you want and need to be. Not for her but for YOU and your children.

IMO you are afraid of progress. Anytime you make an inch of progress you become paralyzed with fear and you take many, many steps back. Only you can tackle that fear of progress. Its a barrier that you have to decide you are ready to hurdle over.

You may have your own apartment and your own job and on the surface your life is different but deep down it seems you view this as temporary so you are not going full throttle in moving forward. Personally, I don't think your "new life" is temporary but if it is, you still need to do better for you.

And "doing better" doesn't mean making more money or looking better or wearing fancy clothes or driving an expensive car. No, "doing better" means building up a new core and foundation for YOUR life.

AA, counseling and faith are *very* important parts of this process but they need to be "assistants" to you and not crutches for a fix.

And, FWIW, I did stop posting to you because I found the comment you made about my mom and step dad to be rather offensive. Not that I owe you *any* explanation but my parents were married for 32 years and for those 32 years my father refused to get help for his depression and drinking problems. My mother want to marriage counseling alone for TWENTY years as my father refused to go. Eventually things were so bad my mom's health became very poor due to stress. My mom did not "bomb drop" when she left my dad and stayed around for an additional two years hoping he would get on board to at least get help for himself.

My mom was alone, by choice, for TWELVE years before she remarried. In those twelve years she enjoyed her life. She made tons of friends, she traveled, started a new business and continued her dedication to the church and volunteering. During that twelve year span she had one "boyfriend" but it was more of a companionship type R and to this day they are still friends.

My stepfather is an amazing man but I don't need to convince you of that because I *know* he is amazing. Your judgements though without knowing anything about anything go from annoying to personally offensive.

I think once you get to know and change YOUR core you wont be so quick to judge others. That should be your goal.

CityGirl #1866393 11/02/09 06:09 PM
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CG,

I shouldn't have said anything about your step father. However, on that particular day, I was very discouraged about another man in my W's life as well as the possibility of being in my children's lives. Especially someone that would step in WHILE we are married. I let my own personal angry feelings about my unwanted possible situation bleed into everyone else's situation.

I am sure that your step father is a great individual. It sounds like he really is from everything you said about him. Whether or not I agree with the concept of remarriage, does not mean that someone who does is a bad person. For that I apologize.

I can admit that I like my W's stepdad very much and always have. He is a very generous and caring person. He does anything he can to help those who need help. I may not agree with his choice of remarriage, but as a person goes, he is really a great person.

Thanks for posting to me.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1866420 11/02/09 06:38 PM
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If you were detached the idea of another man in your W's life would not be such a burden to you. You would accept she is on her own journey to find happiness and you would accept that even though you don't agree on the way she went about finding happiness it will all be fine for YOU.

What you said above speaks volumes about the control you so desperately seem to want and need. You cannot control what your W does w/other men. If you do divorce you cannot control who your W brings into your children's lives or if she remarries.

If your W does decide to bring a man into the lives of your kids then what your children will need is your support as it will be a transition. You can't offer that support if you are not detached and remain staunch in your judgements about what your W is doing and how "wrong" it is. You *will* have to find a balance.

And you spend an awful lot of time speculating. Your W has a new BF... so what? What indication do you have that this man has *any* interest or desire in being a step dad? You have none. You have to learn to separate your thoughts of your W as a woman and a mom. As a woman she is moving forward as she sees fit. That doesn't mean she can't be a good mom too. You seem to think because she *is* moving forward with her life as a woman it makes her a bad mom. It doesn't.

If you love your W like you say you do then you also have to trust that she will make the right choices for your girls when it comes to another man. And if you can do that, then you will know you are detached.

CityGirl #1866465 11/02/09 07:22 PM
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Thanks CG,

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1867887 11/04/09 07:40 PM
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So W wants me to come over for dinner Sunday night and discuss changing the schedule around for when we exchange the kids. We normally do it on Sunday nights, but she wants to start doing it on Friday nights. I said I am willing to discuss.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1867899 11/04/09 07:55 PM
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Just make sure you only discuss issues that are kid related. Please.

smith18 #1867906 11/04/09 07:59 PM
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Agreed. Do not read into this. Validate and show respect PERIOD. If she says something that upsets you that you dont agree with. Show restraint by saying "I will think about it and get back to you."

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LAST MINUTE PLANS Kevin.

"I am so sorry but I cant make it to dinner, something just came up. Mind if I pick up the girls an hour or two later than usual. We can talk about switching up the schedule tomorrow." Then show up dressed to kill. and smiling your ass off.

YOU ARE NOT READY! You only decide to "walk away" a week ago. This is your first test to see how true a walk-away-spouse you really are. You ever play video games? This is like the very first level that teaches you how to fire your weapons and crawl under barbwire and walk around. Pass this level and you get to do some real damage to the divorce fantasy. But you got to pass this level first.

Last edited by Steve McQueen; 11/04/09 08:23 PM. Reason: this level is called, "I got much better things to do than argue with you"
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KerryK, That is all I am going to discuss.

PMA_BABY, I am not reading anything into this at all. It is simply about changing the schedule up. There is nothing to read into it about.

Steve McQueen, I hadn't thought about that. I will give it some more thought.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1867956 11/04/09 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: K4D
PMA_BABY, I am not reading anything into this at all. It is simply about changing the schedule up. There is nothing to read into it about.
Kevin


Kev. Who r u kidding? Remember we have been reading your posts for a year. You think dinner? Maybe there's a chance. I'm just trying to get you to DROP all EXPECTATIONS and focus on DETACHMENT. Better yet cancel like McQueen suggested. Try a 180. Create some mystery.

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